Fear is my own personal manager. Fear manages what I say and do because the fear of hurting or offending someone reigns in my mind. I am a passive aggressive person and I think, beside being my personality flaw, I am a passive aggressive because of this fear. "What if someone is offended? You probably shouldn't say that." "What if someone's feelings get hurt? You probably shouldn't write that." Also, "What kind of example are you setting? You probably shouldn't do that." These kinds of sayings or one-sided conversations resound in my mind.
Fear has kept me silent and that same fear of hurting, disappointing, frustrating, destroying, etc., keeps me lying. The lies just flow out of my mouth unpracticed and unbidden, but they naturally flow out of me because I don't want to hurt anyone. Lying has become habitual because of the closet I lived in for so long. I didn't want people to reject me because I was gay, so I lied. I put on the fake facade and lived life with two masks; one mask I wore for the public and one mask I wore in public.
I tell lies and omit truths because I don't want to hurt and I don't want to be hurt. I have protected my heart for so many years and the shell of my heart is hard to break. Some closest to my heart have hurt it before. When I finally allowed myself to come out to family and friends as gay, when I was twenty-five, some of them didn't take it as well as others and said some things that have scarred me. Being compared to pedophiles and people who sleep with their animals (bestiality) is not the most welcoming and loving things to be compared to and made me cry. I was very hurt, so I lie to keep this from happening again.
I lie to others to survive and hope that we don't come to a confrontation; I fear confrontation. I don't want to have to confront anyone, but this is mostly because at the height of my emotions in a confrontation, I feel like my words escape me and my voice goes missing. I often end up not communicating correctly what I feel or want to say. Then, I feel like I can't breathe, so I lie.
How do you learn to stop letting fear and lies control your life? It's a serious question which I don't have the answer for. Fear and lies have been with me so long, they are almost second nature to me. They are part of the flawed personality that I have created over the years. How do you change things second nature? Do you start "one day at a time?" Is there a Liars Anonymous group I can go to? Or is it not a fixable malady like malignant cancer that wasn't caught in time and just takes over, becoming the ruler that kills its host? All I know is that if it is cancerous, I have to find a way to rip it out and keep it out so that my relationships can become stronger and last longer. But how?
Fear has kept me silent and that same fear of hurting, disappointing, frustrating, destroying, etc., keeps me lying. The lies just flow out of my mouth unpracticed and unbidden, but they naturally flow out of me because I don't want to hurt anyone. Lying has become habitual because of the closet I lived in for so long. I didn't want people to reject me because I was gay, so I lied. I put on the fake facade and lived life with two masks; one mask I wore for the public and one mask I wore in public.
I tell lies and omit truths because I don't want to hurt and I don't want to be hurt. I have protected my heart for so many years and the shell of my heart is hard to break. Some closest to my heart have hurt it before. When I finally allowed myself to come out to family and friends as gay, when I was twenty-five, some of them didn't take it as well as others and said some things that have scarred me. Being compared to pedophiles and people who sleep with their animals (bestiality) is not the most welcoming and loving things to be compared to and made me cry. I was very hurt, so I lie to keep this from happening again.
I lie to others to survive and hope that we don't come to a confrontation; I fear confrontation. I don't want to have to confront anyone, but this is mostly because at the height of my emotions in a confrontation, I feel like my words escape me and my voice goes missing. I often end up not communicating correctly what I feel or want to say. Then, I feel like I can't breathe, so I lie.
How do you learn to stop letting fear and lies control your life? It's a serious question which I don't have the answer for. Fear and lies have been with me so long, they are almost second nature to me. They are part of the flawed personality that I have created over the years. How do you change things second nature? Do you start "one day at a time?" Is there a Liars Anonymous group I can go to? Or is it not a fixable malady like malignant cancer that wasn't caught in time and just takes over, becoming the ruler that kills its host? All I know is that if it is cancerous, I have to find a way to rip it out and keep it out so that my relationships can become stronger and last longer. But how?
I am sorry for the things I said that hurt you! I hope you will let me help you heal and breath and to not be afraid! To be honest, we are all afraid, but I have learned that faith and fear cannot coexist and I have great faith in YOU and in GOD so help me learn to not be afraid either! I love you! Your eternally loving (but imperfect) big sister, Kirsti
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