My Eulogy

I've found it. I know what I want people (family or friends, it doesn't matter) to read at my funeral for my eulogy. I know it sounds morbid for a thirty-one year old to even be contemplating death and a funeral, well, really, a cremation and the services, but a man has to be prepared for the unexpected or the possible unfortunate day when the darkness wins and my body loses to my mind to take the life inside. I'm not saying suicide should ever be considered, but I'd be lying if I said, when the darkness has risen to its strongest and the abyss is ready to swallow me whole, I have never considered killing myself. To lie about never being consumed by the darkness and considering death would be stupid; the darkness has been with me a long time. I have been fighting it off since I was a teenager. So, I prepare for the inevitable end.

My eulogy is from Willa Cather's My Antonia, when Mr. Shimerda fights homesickness and loses his battle with the dark, he takes his own life with a shotgun shot to his head in the barn. After all the preparations are made, (the coffin is built; the frozen ground is broken and dug up; and Mr. Shimerda is lowered into the ground) grandfather is asked to pray for Mr. Shimerda.

Grandfather prays, "'Oh, great and just God, no man among us knows what the sleeper knows, nor is it for us to judge what lies between him and Thee.' He prayed that if any man there had been remiss toward the stranger come to a far country, God would forgive him and soften his heart...[He] asked God to smooth the way before [those left behind] and to 'incline the hearts of men to deal justly with [them].' In closing, he said we were leaving [him] at 'Thy judgement seat, which is also Thy mercy seat."'

I want to acknowledge the just God that I know is merciful and will see my heart along with my actions and will judge me mercifully. So, whether by my own hand, the hand of another, or nature takes me, I want whomever prepares my services to eulogize my life with this great quote. And then God take my soul.