Expect More: A Soapbox Response to a News Article and the Comment that Followed

I guess it is time for me to get up on my soapbox about a comment that was made to a link I saw in my News Feed on Facebook. The article was through Edge Media Network and is about a lawsuit that was filed Tuesday in Mississippi and the lawsuit says gay students are being bullied in a southern Mississippi school district. This bullying included a lesbian student made to sit alone in the class when the other students were split into boys and girls. (The article can be found at this link: http://www.edgeonthenet.com/news/national/News//153237/lawsuit:_gay_students_bullied_in_miss_district .)

While the information in this article and the act of bullying in any way are despicable, there was a comment to the link, in which Ms. Landry commented, saying, "I live in Mississippi & I love my state but honestly you can't expect much from a state that still holds KKK conventions! If Blacks can't have respect in 2013 why expect that for LGBT?" There are two things I find erroneous about this comment. The first is that we can indeed expect more from the people of Mississippi who are engaging in such horrendous bullying tactics. Just because the KKK conventions are being held does not mean that we cannot expect more. Expecting less is the reason this bullying warfare (yes, warfare because the students being bullied are bombarded with assault after assault) continues to go on in school districts. Expecting less of the teachers who allow this cruelty to continue is the exact reason bullying continues in the school districts. Expecting less of the parents is the reason the children aren't held to a higher standard when they are in a public forum. Expecting less of the kids in the school and not asking for more respect and decorum in schools is the very reason bullying continues. And finally, expecting the bullied students to just sit back and take it because the teachers, parents and the school district will do nothing to protect them is despicable and should never be expected of them simply because they live in a district that continues to hold KKK conventions.

Finally, stating that because we are in the year 2013 and other's can't expect any respect then why should the LGBT community. Stating that it is the year 2013 does not give any credence to the idea that we are in a civilized world. The year has nothing to do with the mindset of the people...obviously! Also, the LGBT community, the Black community, and every other community can indeed expect respect. It is a right given to us simply by being. And if the communities think because they are Christian that gives them the right to treat others as though they are lesser beings, these same Christian communities need to revisit their Bibles and the words of Christ. Even Christ would not judge the harlot when she was brought before him. If Christ and his words, which are the very essences of Christianity, will not judge a harlot and also state, "Love they neighbor as thyself," what makes it okay for someone to treat LGBT kids or Black people any less than Christ would treat them? Perhaps, they need to rethink their affiliations with Christianity. The message of Christ is love and has nothing to do with color, gender, or sexual identity. Just love! So, no matter what century we are in and no matter what race, gender, sexual identity, or any other thing that identifies us as different, we can indeed expect more. We, in fact, need to expect more or we will, in the end, destroy ourselves.

Expect more of each other. Expect love from your neighbors and your teachers. Expect change from school districts. Expect more! We are all a part of the great human race and simply because we are different from on another does not give anyone the right to treat us as though we are lesser. We all breath. We all love. We all live. And to do nothing and expect nothing is one of the greater sins. Is it not?

Namaste. 

Happy Birthday, Grandma: Gratitude and Love to a Great Woman

At the end of day seventeen, I need to send out a very special thank you to the woman that made my life and my dad's life possible. Today is my grandmother's birthday and she deserves every bit of recognition I can give her. Along with the recognition, I owe my grandmother the most deserved thank you. Without her, I could not be and without the way she raised my dad, my life would be very different.

In all of the days I have known this great woman, part of them with her other half and part of them

Grandma with Aiden, Ashlan, and Kaly.

without him, she has worn her faith on her sleeves and has shown a great example for her children and grandchildren. Grandma always went to church when should was able. She and Grandpa served a mission, and no matter how busy she was, she was always looking after the people--especially the people of Pioche, Nevada. Service with a smile was one thing that I learned from Grandma. No matter how busy she was with family, she always had time to help someone out. I am grateful to her for her example of faith and service. 

I am very grateful to Grandma for raising Dad to be a man of faith and a noble and loving man. The way Grandma raised Dad was shown to me in the way Dad raised me. Through her teachings to Dad, I learned to honor the name I bore; I learned to show kindness in word and deed; I learned to keep my word; and I learned to love without exception. The person that I am today is in part due to Grandma who raised the man that raised me. I am grateful to her for raising Dad the way she did. I would not be the man I am if I didn't have the son she raised to be my dad.

I could go on and on about the many things I owe to Grandma and for all of those things I owe a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid to one of the greatest women I know. My words will never suffice and will never be able to repay her for all that she has done for me. I will never be able to repay her for the example she has set for me. I just want my grandma to know she is amazing. I am grateful to her and for her everyday. Thank you, Grandma. I love you and owe you so much.

"Can You Hear Me Now?": Grateful for the Technological Advances of Our Generation

It's day 12 of my days of Thanksgiving. As I thought about the something that I am grateful for, I was thinking about the phone call I received this morning from my mother. She called to tell me she has been on an emotional journey.

 "What made you go on this emotional journey, Mom?" I asked, driving back from the gym. It was common of her to call me during the week, but usually the reason she has been on an emotional journey is because of something bad that I may have done, said, or posted, but since I knew I hadn't done anything like that, I waited for her reply.

"I read your blog today," she said. I waited for her to continue, but there was a silence on the other side of the line. Then, I could hear her sniffling and I knew that she was crying. "I am grateful for the way that you write," she cried as I imagined the tears welling up in her eyes. "You write with such emotion and some of the things you write about, I wouldn't have even thought of. It is kind of like you say when you say that we take for granted some of the things we have been blessed with. I am proud of you and just wanted to tell you that I love you. I asked your dad if I could make comments on your blog. He said I could and then he said that I could just call and tell you, so I decided to call and tell you."

"Thanks, Mom," I said as the tears began to well up in my own eyes. When my mom cries, whether good or bad tears, I always cry. "That means a lot to me. I am glad that you are crying happy tears this time and not the kind that I have made you cry in the past. I guess this kinda makes up for the sad tears I have made you cry." I laughed and could hear the sparkle in her own laugh. We continued to talk for another ten minutes and then we said our goodbyes and went on with our separate days. 

Tonight, as I considered the conversation, I realized that without the blessing of technology (cellphones, satellites, and many other things), I wouldn't be able to just randomly call my mom and dad and talk to them. I wouldn't be able to pick up my cellphone and send them pictures or random texts. I wouldn't be able to tell friends and family that I love them even though they are miles away from me. So, today, I am very grateful for the blessing of technology.

I wonder what it would be like without the technology we have today. I realize that life would be different and we would be back to the old fashioned way of sending messages via the coach or the post. E-mail and text messaging make conversation, though digital, a lot faster and a lot easier to know that the ones we love are still at the touch of a button. Life would definitely be a lot different if we didn't have the gadgets and gizmos that we have in abundance. So, I am grateful to the brilliant minds that came up with the technology that we enjoy everyday of our lives and that allow me to keep in touch with the ones I love. I am truly blessed.

What are you grateful for....?

Within Me

I touched the rock
    Upon the mountain
To know of its strength

I picked up the pearl
   From the mouth of the clam
To gain knowledge of patience

I breathed deeply
   The tender breeze
To understand how to be gentle

I drank slowly
   The calming water
To understand how to soothe

I  observed the toddling child
   Who loves without question
To understand how to love

But the thing I didn't observe
   And all that I seek
Is within me
Ready for my call.

There Was a Time, But Times Change

There was a time in my life when I would wake up everyday feeling like the world was crushing me under its thumb. I felt like with every step I took I was being pulled into the quicksand of life. During these times of my life, I would pray to God, everyday, to take me home, to crush me under a rock, or run me over with a car. I would beg for everything to be over with. I couldn't stand being. With every breath I breathed, I felt my lungs burn inside of me. Every time I looked at myself, I would sneer in hateful derision. I was nothing and I felt that that nothingness needed to be snuffed out. And there were times, when God didn't answer me, I tried to take the life and snuff it out for myself. I wanted my light to stop shining.

There were times in my life, from the time I was thirteen years old to barely six months ago, that life seemed to be burdened with my existence in it. But something has happened to me. I am not sure, as I have written many times before, what has happened. The abyss no longer craves the blood that flows through me and the darkness is quelled by the light that shines in my song, my voice, and in the words that bleed from my veins. I have changed, though probably not in the way that my family has thought the change would come.

Years ago, I was talking to my mother about life and the challenges that plagued me. I was talking about the darkness that surrounded me. (I know the pain that I felt was felt by my mom; she and I have always been so close. The closeness must stem from the bond that she and I have shared since my conception. I would call my mom one of my best friends and I think she would agree with me.) During our conversation, she told me of an experience she had while she was praying. She said she was praying for me and praying that I would be okay; she said she was praying that I would find joy in life. And she said she received an answer to her prayer. She said she heard that I would be okay; she knew that I would be happy and find joy because of the answer to her prayer.

She and I, however, have different interpretations of the answer to her prayer. She knows that the answer means that I will come back to the church, marry in the temple, and find joy in raising a family. While that is a very beautiful interpretation of the answer to her prayer, I have told her on different occasions that that answer doesn't mean I will no longer be gay. I have told her that my joy in life may reside in something other than how she and my dad have found their joy in love and marriage in the temple.

No matter the true answer to the interpretation of the answer to her prayer, I believe I have started to walk the path that will lead me to be "okay." I know the path I walk on is taking me to joy and love and peace. God is answering my mom's prayer. Life is taking me down a path that I don't know the end to; of course, I don't know that there is an end, but life has me walking down this path and my head is held high. The days of wanting God to crush me under His thumb feel years behind me. The times, when I wished for life to take the energy and the body it had given me and snuff out the light in me, seem to be just figments of illusion.

These days, I walk with my candle burning bright for the world to see. A smile comes easily to my face. A laugh leaps to my throat for all to hear. A song resides in my breast and sings for all to hear. A spark of life dances in my eyes like the twinkling light of the stars at night for all to witness. These days, though I know death is coming, I don't rush headlong into the fray hoping for death to take me. These days laughter is what I crave. Love is what I need. And life is the most exciting and brilliant adventure that I find myself racing with to a brighter everyday. Namaste.

Finding Comfort and Joy in Sangha and Dharma: A Prayer of Hope for my Loved Ones

It is a true act of love and support for any one of us to do the opposite of what we currently believe to show support for what our loved ones believe. Today, I am blessed to be tested in my support of my nephew who, at the age of eight, is being baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My own views of life and spirituality have shifted from the days of my childhood. Life has given me a different way to see the world and the way I see organized religion. However, as I talk about my own disdain for organized religion, I see the need for the community of belief and faith.

In Buddhism, the community is called the sangha and is a necessity for the seeds of faith and belief to grow and flourish. It is a place that is meant to share, communicate, and discuss the teachings and beliefs or the dharma of those who went before us. So, this test for me to enter, or re-enter, the Mormon sangha is an immense test, but I love my nephew; I have decided that in spite of my own beliefs, he is important and I would rather he believe in something than wander in a darkness of disbelief and confusion. I am happy for him though I no longer fully believe as he believes.

As I sit here in support, I am trying to remember how I used to believe and I am trying to remember the day that I was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church. But memory escapes my grasp. My parents and one of my sisters say they remember my confirmation. They say I must have really been feeling the Spirit of God because I was weeping and they have never seen an eight year old cry like I was. It makes me wonder what feelings I was really feeling that day. I wonder if it was the Spirit or if it was something else entirely. Like I said, however, memory remains a fog of forgetfulness and mystery; the mystery, I suppose, will forever remain.

In spite of my lack of memory and my disdain of organized religion, I have a deep residing hope today that my nephew may retain his memories of this time and I have a hope that the God he believes in, as his Heavenly Father, will keep the promises given my nephew in the form of blessing, given to him through my brother. I have a hope that he can continue to believe and live a life that is free of suffering and pain. I know we all suffer, but may his and all my other nieces and nephews' lives be as free of pain and suffering as possible. May their lives be full of the promised joy and happiness through their beliefs and hopes. And may they be blessed with their memories, so they may walk through those memories with constant remembrance, free from the foggy banks of mystery. Finally, I hope they embrace the sangha and the dharma of the Church and may the dharma and the sangha of the Church embrace them back, keeping them in that embrace. Namaste.

Happy Anniversary to the Greatest Parents I Am Blessed to Have and Know

Yesterday, my parents celebrated their anniversary. My dad was on the Church History Tour; he takes high school graduates to different historical sites of the LDS church. My mom was with my sister. Though they were apart, which is not different than most years, they acknowledged their union and their love. They renewed their vows, in a sense, by celebrating all the years together.

As they celebrated their love together, I also got to celebrate the initial start to their journey and the eventual beginning of my own life and path. Without their union, I would not be here as I am and I would not have walked the path I am on. Though, in the past, it may have appeared that I was cursing the life I have lived, and I may have been at the time. However, as I look at who I am and where I am, I have come to realize that I have been blessed to be a part of an exquisite family. A family who loves me and blesses me with that love every moment of every day.

The anniversary of my parents' wedding reminds me of the many, many generations that it took to create two  of the most wonderful people I have been blessed to know. I am graced by the many unions in the past who have brought the formation of my body and the blood that flows in my veins. My soul has found its home in flesh and blood because generations on generations fell in love and created the two people who fell in love, created their family, and I am blessed to call them Mom and Dad.

I cannot find words sufficient enough to thank the two people whom I love and care for deeply. Thank you just doesn't seem like enough. Thank you will have to be sufficient for now until I discover the actual way to best show my indebtedness and my gratitude.

Body, bones, and blood are not the only gifts given to me from my parents union; they are simply the physical gifts and, though sometimes I complain and joke about being the garbage dump for all the bad genes, I truly am the person I am because of them. Their examples of loving devotion show me the kind of relationship I deserve to have and be in. I see how they treat each other, with respect and adoration, and I know that that is what I want and how I want my relationships to be.

The combination of their personalities has created me. They have a joy of life and an ability to see the humor in things that makes me see life differently. Their love of life has allowed me to see life from their perspective when life seemed bleak, unimaginably uncertain, and painful.

I am a blessed man because two people fell head over heals in love. I am blessed to have lived thirty-two years with the most amazing parents someone could be lucky enough to have. I don't know how to thank them for all they've done or for all they are. Together they are complete. And I love them more and more everyday for the love they share.

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. You truly are the greatest parents a kid could ask for. I hope for many, many more years of celebrating your lives together. I love you and could not ask for more than you have already given me.

To My Beautiful Mother on This Mother's Day

On Sunday, we have the privilege of telling our mothers how much we care for and appreciate them for every sacrifice they made in their lives for their children. We will be able to say "Thank you" to the great women who gave us life and who, at the risk of their own lives, gave us form and breath. Three days after we celebrate our mothers on Mother's Day, I get another day to celebrate the birth of my mother. And with whatever material gift I decide to give her, which is usually another flower to add to her yard because she was the one who gave me my love of all things beautiful, I've decided that I will give voice to the memories that occasionally find their way to remind me that among all the people in my life, Mom is the woman who has shown me what it is to love without condition and who taught me that love is, as the Bible says, patient and kind.

Her love for me, my siblings, her sisters, her parents, strangers, and my father has given me hope that when the darkness is at its worst and I feel like I have no one to turn to, I will always have her as my safe haven of love and light. And with these small memories, i hope to show to those who only barely know her that a goddess has blessed me with love and life. She has never given up on me even when I have made decisions in my life that she hasn't agreed with. Mother is love.

I wish I could bring memories of my infancy about, but I was not blessed with this gift; however, as I watch her care for her grandchildren, I get a glimpse of how she was with me and my siblings. She is always making sure she has cookies, Popsicles, ice cream, crackers, and healthy snack options for my nieces and nephews. She is right there to make sure they are okay when they fall. She holds them when they cry, even though it hurts her arms and back. She seeks to find resolution and peace when they fight with their cousins or siblings. And she makes sure they feel like they are always welcome with a hug, a kiss, and a welcoming smile as soon as they walk through the door. I know when I see this, all of these moments of shared affection, that when I was an infant to my teenage years, and even now, she did and does the same for me however and whenever she can.

When we lived in our old, old, old, old house, the house I was raised in and the first home I knew, Mom strove daily to make life an adventure; she strove for all of us to be happy. Though the house only had three bedrooms, and, granted I was only a child, I never felt cramped or felt like there was not room for me among my nine siblings. The boys slept together in one room, the three youngest girls in another, and my oldest sisters had their own room, while my parents had a bed in the living room downstairs. The house, at the time to me, felt massive and when I would get lost or scared in its expanse, I always had Mom to turn to for comfort.

Mom used to wear silk pajamas and a navy blue robe with colorful flowers all over. In times of fear or pain, when I needed her presence to comfort me, I would turn into a chick, hiding under the wings and legs of its mother. I would latch onto her leg and refuse to leave her side. I would hold the silk material between my fingers and rub that softness between my fingers and I would suck on my left ring and pinky fingers; I would relish in her loving, protective presence. I knew as long as I was there everything would be fine. My fears were quelled in knowing that Mom would protect me.

As I grew older, though still in diapers, I began to venture away from under her wings. I would play outside in the always manicured lawn, running through sprinklers, playing in the ditch, or hiding in the hole in the lilac bush. As Spring came every year, the flowers Mom planted would bloom and the garden that she and Dad planted would grow. I loved to see the flowers, smell their perfume, and play in the dirt from which they grew. Nothing was off limits in my play.

I knew Mom loved her flowers. I knew they added to the beauty and welcoming feeling she was trying to provide for her family and friends. I knew Mom loved them so much. So much so that one day, I went out and picked all of the blossoms of the flowers in one of her gardens and brought them to her. "Look Mom, I picked you some flowers," I said grinning. 

Though her once full flower garden had been innocently robbed of its blossomed beauty, and though it marred the outward beauty of our home, Mom didn't raise her voice and yell at me; she didn't punish me. She simply smiled and, smiling, took the gift from me. She sent me off to play once more. I'm sure she mourned the loss of the flowers in her garden, but she loved the innocent child who robbed the garden of its beauty. She showed his importance to her over the flower garden. Her children were always more important.

When I was two years old, I suffered through some agonizing pain because of a birth defect dealing with a muscle growth near my left kidney and my ureter. I don't remember much of this pain; I assume that I blacked out so many times that I forgot. What I do remember is the care my loving parents gave me. Mom says that I used to be in so much pain that I rolled around on the floor and wouldn't let her hold me until I passed out from the pain. I can only imagine what it had been like for her to watch her child suffer and not be able to do anything.

They eventually found out what was wrong and surgery fixed it. All of this is lost in memory; however, I do have one distinct memory in this time. I remember going in to get an X-ray. Mom held my hand as the doctor poked me with a needle to inject me with the iodine for the contrast X-ray. The doctor had me lay on my back on a cold metallic table; the only thing keeping me warm was the thin cotton gown and my underwear and socks. 

The doctor took Mom behind a door with a window while he took the X-ray. I remember Mom protectively watching as I shivered on the table, trying to remain still. As soon as the doctor was finished, Mom was at my side, caressing and holding my hand. She did what she could to calm my fears. She was always calming my fears and always at my side when I needed her; she never failed.

As I grew older and we moved to a new house, Mom always maintained a beautiful pristine home. She filled the house with the aroma of homemade bread, freshly baked cookies, and good home cooking. The menu was always changing, but the aromas of Mom's cooking were always inviting. I imagine the cartoon hand coming from the food and, reaching my nose, beckoning me to the dinner table. I always looked forward to Mom's cooking; I still do.

One of my strongest memories of my Mom, besides her welcome embrace that calmed my fears and dried my tears, is her guitar and her angelic voice. Mom always had a song on her tongue, be it a jingle, a hymn, a country song, etc. She was filling the world up with her joyous melodies. My love of music and the necessity in my life for music stems from the ever present musical notes that filled our home. When the aromas of her baking and cooking weren't filling the home, her melodious voice filled the void. Sometimes the mixture of the two was the most pleasant and joyous part of life as a Campbell. Mom made and makes life joyous.

In her late thirties, I'm sure due to the stress of a large family, Mom went grey. She was still very young and beautiful, but for some reason, the grey is a marker of being a grandmother and not a mother. We would be walking into the grocery store and a stranger would bend down to ask me, "Oh, is this your Grandma?" To which I proudly responded, "No! This is my Mom." I always knew that this comment from strangers would hurt her, though she never showed her hurt.

Mom started to dye her hair so that the grey didn't show and so no one would ask if she was my grandma. But, no matter her hair color, I was always proud she was and is still my mom. I always thought she was beautiful and as I grew older, I would start to ask her why she dyed her hair because I thought she was beautiful no matter the color of her hair. Eventually, she stopped coloring her hair and now she has the most beautiful white hair to match the perfection everywhere else.

There are so many memories of my wonderful mother that I could write a biography and I would still never be able to encapsulate the woman I know; the woman I am blessed to call Mom. I will never be able to do justice to her beautiful being and soul. However, as we celebrate Mother's Day, I hope to have shown parts of the woman I know and show my gratitude to her. I wish you all could know the woman I know.

To my blessed Mother, I love you with all my heart. There is only one person that can fill your spot in my heart and that will forever be you. I am blessed everyday to have a goddess like you to call Mom. No one can or will ever replace you. When my turn comes to care for you and give you comfort, I can only hope to come close to giving you what you gave to me.

In the children's book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch, the life of a child is shown culminating in the birth of his own child. At One point in the book, the young man comes into his mother's house and rocking her, the man says, "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Mommy you'll be." Thanks for being you, Mom. No one could have done it better. All my love. Forever and always, "As Long as I'm living, my Mommy you'll be."

Nothing to Fear in Death

Is it weird that I do not fear Death? I have considered this oddity many times and find it different or abnormal from the beliefs of family, friends, and strangers. I haven't known what to think, but as I consider what is to come, I think, "What need is there to fear or dread?"

My sweet Grammy passed on last June. However, before she passed on, my mom, my mom's sister--Aunt Phyllis--, and I had a night of watching my Grammy suffer in pain. We held her hand as she laid in her medical bed Mom and Dad had set up upstairs. We told her we loved her. I was blessed to try to comfort her by singing. She always loved to hear my voice and this was my pleasure to sing to her; the tears, however, made it hard to get the words out.

As we gathered around her, I struggled to see her suffering, so I leaned in to her and, holding her hand, said, "Grammy-love, you don't need to suffer. We have had you long enough. It's time for Pappy to have you back. Stop fighting on this side. Let go." One of the sweetest ladies I know, looked at me and, through the pain, managed to say, "I love you."

For most of that night, the week previous, and the day she died, she continually said, "I love you." She couldn't go without it being understood that she loved us. The very next day, after we sat with her and I told her to stop fighting, the beautiful woman who I was blessed to call my Grammy passed on.

The night that I said what I did, after we were able to get Grammy to sleep, my mom asked me how I was able to say the things I said to Grammy. I told her that there was nothing to fear in Death. I said that if we truly believe in a just and merciful God, we have nothing to fear in Death. She still didn't understand how I said what I did and, sometimes, I wonder how I said the things I said.

The Truth is that I truly believe in a just and merciful God. I know that God will judge me on my heart not just my deeds. And I know that death is not final; Death is the beginning of the next journey. Death will inevitably come, so why fear death when I can celebrate life.

I used to often contemplate death. In fact, at one point in my life, I tried to take that life because I felt so alone. I often considered death to be the only solution that I had available to me because like was handing me so many cards; I didn't know how to play with the ones I was dealt. A common thought that ran through my mind was, "If I'm going to go to Hell for killing myself and I'm going to go to Hell for being gay, I might as well get it over with." It is sad to repeat those thoughts, but I think it is necessary to say because I want people to understand that what is being taught and being said to others, can make life a very difficult thing to continue living.

Because of what I was taught in church, I saw myself as an abomination and a mistake. Thanks to Leviticus and Romans, in the Bible, I thought that God hated me, that he made a mistake in me, and that I was going to burn in Hell. Because I was in so much emotional turmoil, I knew that I needed to kill myself and start suffering early because I felt that God was going to me punish me anyway.

The thought that I considered death daily is very sad and disheartening. I know that there is so much to live for, but at the time, I was stuck in an up and down cycle of despair with  brief reprieves of happiness. Now that I've found the solution for me and the strength within, part of which I think comes from the energy and love my Grammy gives me everyday, I am not haunted by the constant preoccupation with death and I know that I am not a mistake; the god I believe in loves me.

This preoccupation with death, in my past, has given me a lack of fear of the end of life. My acquaintance and fraternization with death has allowed me to see the joys inherent in life and has allowed me to see that, though death is but a journey, I don't need to fear its advent. I know that whatever is next, whether paradise or reincarnation, I know that my energy, my soul, will seek out and find my loved ones again and peace will find me. God, or whatever derivation of His title you decide to use, will judge with mercy and with love. And that is an encouraging thought. Namaste.

Seeing the Good, The Beautiful, and The True Within Myself

Have you ever been reading a book and, at some point in the book, you felt like it was speaking to you; you were meant to read those words or they were written just for you? I have read many books where one passage in the book spoke to me, but I have found one book that throughout the book I found myself connecting with the protagonist.

In William J. Mann's novel Men Who Love Men, the whole book felt like it was a view into an alternate universe of my life. The main character Henry is a thirty-three year old gay man who is lonely and trying to find his Mr. Right. I felt like Henry's life was mine with some obvious differences such as where he lives, where he works, and him being raised Jewish. It felt like it was a glimpse into my world and left me thinking about a lot of things. I was left with the desire to see myself better than I have been seeing myself in the past.

In the novel, when Henry is receiving his epiphanies about life and his place in everything, I felt like I was right on the edge of the same epiphanies in my own life. During one such epiphany in the book, Mann writes (and I substituted my name for the main character's), "I thought [Micah Campbell] wasn't good enough, or interesting enough, or sexy enough...there was always this belief way down deep that [Micah] just didn't cut it. [Micah] just was not good enough" (282). When I looked in the mirror or though of myself in any way, I saw myself as a failure and not worth the stardust I was created from. I felt that until I changed everything about myself, every flaw or blemish, I would never find Mr. Right and my mother's prophecy, early on when I came out to my parents, would come true; I would live a lonely, dark, sad life. So, I saw every flaw as a curse and did my damnedest to change them. I wanted to be noticed; I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be more than "the Campbell kid" or "David's son." However, I realize that as I only see what is negative in me, I only keep my guards up covering the rest of me that is *good and beautiful and true. I am what I am and Mr. Right will see all that is good and beautiful and true and take me, loving me for me.

As I continued to ponder upon the negative ways I was seeing myself, I came upon another paragraph that spoke the words I needed to hear. Mann writes, "[Micah Campbell] is [thirty-one] years old. Mr. Right is just going to have to deal with it...Why is it I always see in this mirror someone old, out of shape, and unappealing? Why is it I never see a good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy? He hasn't been hiding. He's been right there all along" (287). Like Henry, I can look in the mirror and see all the negative and unattractive things about myself that keep Mr. Right from seeing me. When, in reality, it has been me who hasn't seen me. And that is what is unappealing. I may have many flaws, all of which I could try to fill a spreadsheet with, but who cares because I have just as many good qualities, all of which could fill another spreadsheet, that make me "good-looking" and an "upstanding, decent guy" whom Mr. Right will love inside and out when I finally meet him.

I am still learning to love myself and be happy with being single; this is an epic quest. I made a great stride this year by not mourning on Valentine's Day because I was single, but accepting all the love that I do have in my life and celebrating that love. And I may be getting older, and some see that as bad; however, with each new passing day, I find wisdom in life in every new moment.

As I take from each moment the lessons that I need to learn, I discover the vital things in my past that have made me the man I am. In Men Who Love Men, Henry says, "...my childhood, and my family, and my hometown remain vital parts of who I am:...A soft-hearted romantic who fell in love too many times in his life. A guy who's sometimes been selfish and sometimes been naive. But for all that, [Micah Campbell] isn't so bad" (288). No, he's not so bad at all. So, I will continue to see the "good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy" who looks back at me in the mirror everyday and remind myself that I am not so bad and Mr. Right will see that too.

*In Thich Nhat Hanh's Buddhist philosophy, he mentions that in each of us we have the good, the beautiful and the true and that we only need to see that in ourselves so that we can nurture those seeds within us.

When the World Seems so Dark and Unforgiving....

Ever since North Korea started their threats of missile launches, the school shootings, and the Boston Marathon bombings, I have heard a lot of people expressing how evil people are and how afraid people are becoming. They have expressed their fear of public meetings and traveling. All of these feelings are completely understandable; the terrorists are succeeding in inciting terror in the hearts of the people. Fear is steadily becoming a part of life and that is sad. Fear is going hand-in-hand with distrust and revenge. This is very disheartening and is very scary.

However, in spite of the cruelty, terror, pain, death and every other negative and evil thing that raises itself to be seen on screens across the nation and the world, the one thing to keep in mind is there is still so many good people out there and there is still so much goodness. After the bombings in Boston, a nation prayed for the lost and injured. The city of Boston's residents rallied and showed their strength. People did what they could to show their support and to show their sympathy for the families affected by the act of cruelty and evil committed. The flags are being flown at half-mast and our country continues on.

In spite of the cruelty and evil, believers still prayed and pray to God, though He may have seemed absent on the days of the shootings and the bombings; families called loved ones to make sure they were safe and to show how much they love and care; friends helped one another; and people still sought and seek to give help and support where they can. The goodness in the hearts of everyone shines brighter in spite of the tragedy and terror.

When it feels like everything is being destroyed and hope is dwindling because it feels like evil is winning, I think it is important to remember that there are so many good people out there still. There are people who still see hope and goodness in life. When it feels like there is no point in going on and fear keeps you from living your lives, just keep in mind that the good still outweighs all of the evil and all the pain. 

Five Rules or Steps to Overcoming Darkness, Pain, and Stress

Today has been one of those days where I constantly question my worth in this world and one of the times I struggle, with all my being, not to be sucked down into the depths of despair and self-doubt. I don't want to go into depth as to why my day was so crappy because I don't want to be pitied or be empathized with anymore than I already have been. Besides, rehashing what happened doesn't change the fact that it happened and dwelling on the defeat only allows me to maintain myself in the bubble of negativity. Dwelling on what I have no control over doesn't do me any good.

What my issues, today, have done for me have forced me to think of ways to overcome these moments of crushed hope. So, I have come up with five rules to follow. These five rules, or steps, must be followed before I can allow myself to feed the fires of self-doubt and despair. If you follow the rules, self-doubt and despair will have no kindling to ignite their fires.

Rule number one is laugh, or find enjoyment in the simple things. If you can't come up with the strength to laugh, then smile. The positive energy infused in a laugh or a smile can diminish or negate the sting of disappointment and the negativity of stress. A smile or a laugh can be the medicine to cure the aches of life. So, laugh and smile.

Rule number two is to remember to breathe. Breathe in the positive energy that surrounds you in the hum of life and exhale all the negativity. Release the negativity into the universe and let it be changed to positive for the benefit of all. Sometimes when we are stressed, in pain, or any other aspect of negative inducting activity, we tend to take short, quick, shallow breaths. This type of breathing is not beneficial and can keep necessary oxygen from reaching the brain and keeps the brain from functioning to its potential. Short, shallow breaths deprive the body from its necessary oxygen and, in turn, takes away from "clear-headed" thinking. Take deep breaths and allow your mind to calm and clear itself of the negative emotions. Breath deep and seek peace.

Rule number three is, when you have achieved the level of clear-headed thought, think of how full of self-worth and potential you have within you. We are each filled with worth and purpose. Some of us see the measure of worth and purpose as the amount of money and notoriety we attain in this life. We see others succeed and base our own self-worth on those measures of success. However, if we allow ourselves to think of how much self-worth and purpose we have, we can rise above the negative measures of worth of money and fame. We can see what we have achieved and we can realize how much more we are capable of achieving. Some may see those achievements as mediocre, but your achievements make you exceptional. Know your worth and allow that to keep you going.

Rule number four is to know that someone loves you with all their hearts. Whether it be family, friend, or deity, someone loves you and keeps you in their deepest regard. It is easy to feel so alone when all you seem to find is pain, suffering, and defeat. However, when you know that someone loves you, you can know that you are not alone. Call your parents and siblings; call or text your friends; or kneel down and pray so that you can turn to the ones who love you and feel that connection. The negative feelings associated with loneliness will dissipate and the warm embrace of a loved one, in person or on the phone, will positively affect you and how you are thinking about yourself. Know that someone, somewhere loves you.

Finally, rule number five is to love with great depth and with all your being. When we suffer pain, stress, disappointment, etc., we reach a very self-concerned and introspective way of thinking; it becomes a self-centered way of thinking. However, when we stop focusing on ourselves and start giving focus to others, we aren't stuck thinking negatively about ourselves, but we find our concern and focus shift to the well-being of someone else. Negative energies of self-centered and self-pitying behavior and thought shifts to the positive concern for someone else and love and care given to them. See beyond yourself and love and care for someone else.

If you can follow these rules or steps for overcoming negative actions and emotions, you will find yourself in a more happy and peace-centered state of mind. I am not saying it will be easy and won't always be the solution you are looking for, but I can say that it has been helping me to pull myself out of depression and despair. I will say that if you can replace the negative energies, behaviors, emotions, and thoughts with the positive, you will find happiness when all you thought you'd see was sadness and pain. So, laugh (or smile), breathe, think, know, and love. Let positive energy and happiness surround you. Namaste.

A Change in the Wind: Seeing the Beauty in Difference

Our nation IS going through change. A nation that cannot change will eventually stagnate and lose its place on this Earth only to be replaced by something new. One of those changes is being debated in our Supreme Court. Gay marriage: a right to say to the nation that you chose this person to love in the eyes of the law. The justices are deciding the constitutionality of defining marriage as between a man and a woman or allowing same-sex couples the civil rights given in the sanctity of a civilly recognized marriage.

Truth be told, we aren't asking for religions to recognize our unions. We are just asking for the rights given by the law to people who are married under the law. Religions are more than welcome to keep their holy matrimony from us. We are just asking for the government to give us the same recognition that has been given to heterosexual couples for years.

What is truly in question here? Is the nation questioning the love one man can have for another or one woman for another and the recognition those couples seek in their union? A recognition of their devotion to one another? Is love only expressible one man to one woman? Is love not love in any form of its expression between two consenting adults?

I have acquiesced to the idea that thousands of years ago, a man recorded that God sees homosexuality as an abomination. This thought never escapes me; it was ingrained into my mind in church. The abomination of homosexuality as seen in religion is shouted at Gay Pride parades. Believe me, if you are gay, you are never allowed to believe you are anything but an abomination. Gay people aren't allowed to be comfortable in their own skin. Gay people can't feel special until we are allowed to be around others just like us or until we can see people like us standing as role models and being seen as important. And then, again, in a sign or a shout from a stranger, we are reminded of how God hates us and how we are abominations.

Truly, we are different and that makes us be seen as abnormal. We stand apart and that scares people. Difference leads to a fear of what is unknown. Our judges don't know us and some refuse to get to know us. In the novel Where the Boys Are by William J. Mann, one of the protagonists, Jeff, has undergone a change in himself and he says, talking about the homosexual community, "We're good people...Too often have we believed the old lie that says we're bad, we're perverted, we're abominations. But those who spread the lie don't know. They don't know how we love, how we hurt, how we live" (424). As homosexuals, we often despise what is in us because of what we are taught. We accept our abomination and despise it rather than share the beauty that is in us, the love we give, and the lives we live.

The very fact that we have so many standing up with us for our right to be recognized as married couples shows the change that is inevitable for ou
r country. And it is heart-warming. However, there are still so many who want to keep our rights from us and keep us from realizing we are not abominations. So, I would ask of those who want to keep this right from us, don't veer from your religious beliefs, but understand that we are not asking for your church to recognize us. We are asking for the civil rights given to people recognized by the law of the land in civil marriage. I also ask you to get to know us. "Know how we love, how we hurt, how we live" and see our difference as a miracle and a beauty rather than an abomination. Know us for us.

The Change in Me

What has changed in me? I was told by a friend the other night that I have changed and that I am more centered. But what has changed in me to have someone notice it through simple conversation? What has happened to the once dark thinker? I used to bathe myself in darkness, fear, distrust, disgust, hatred, pain and everything that crawled out of the abyss.

At one point in my adolescence, I dubbed my journey through life a free fall in the abyss and it was an eternal fall. The darkness would seem so close. I thought it would remain my constant companion. I felt its caress and we made love. Our exploits together produced an offspring of depression and self-loathing. The darkness and I used to dance together in the pitch black of grief and hatred. The darkness has been with me for so long; divorcing myself from his icy embrace seemed impossible and asinine. We lived together in the depths of a deep despair that felt like home. Together we mastered our hope for a moment in the the light. We became at one with the gloom. I was the darkness and he was me. How do you run from what you've known for so long and what you found a place in?

I grew to think that the darkness was made for me and that it was my curse. At one point, I had been searching for a release from my darkness. I searched through my Mormon beliefs in God and salvation through Christ. I sought release from the darkness by trying to serve God in the Tokyo North mission, but the darkness still embraced me and refused to let me go. So, I embraced him back and surrendered to the abyss. And no matter what friends and family said to the contrary of my courtship with the darkness and my importance to them, I still saw my life within the hands of my lover.

So, what changed in me to actively seek a divorce from the dark and a separation from depression and self-loathing? I wish I could say that it was a blinding revelation from God, the very God I had cursed because He seemed unconcerned with my struggles. I also wish I could tell you 100 percent that I know the reason I am daily changing and actively seeking the stop of the free fall and the descent into the abyss. The one thing I am aware of that has changed is my awareness of the here and now.

I found that the dark would embrace me when I focused on the past: my failures, my sufferings, my pain, and my life that once was. These memories and dwelling on them only brought them to the surface and allowed me to soak in them for hours, days, weeks, and even months. I would allow things that cannot control me years after they happened and passed into a memory, made permanent on a neuron, to control how I thought and felt. The past became a reason for me to insist on my continual residence in the abyss with my lover, the darkness.

Also, always looking forward into the unspeakable, unknowable future allowed my fixation on despair and pain to keep me wallowing in the abyssal free fall. I would look at the future and feel that I don't deserve happiness and joy. The future and its eternal presence in the nonexistent kept the darkness whispering sweet, painful nothings in my ear.

However, as I look at the Eternal Now, I know that the past is no more and the future doesn't exist. I find the necessity to plant my feet firmly in the now and divorce myself from my constant companion. Depression and despair have transformed into beautiful butterflies of hope and laughter. Forgiveness, mercy, and compassion walk with me in the Eternal Now because I can walk with them. Forgiveness, mercy, and compassion blossom and bloom as I feed them daily.

So, what has changed? I suppose the only truthful and honest answer I can give is that I have changed. My desires have changed. What I know I can control has changed; well, not changed, but I realize the things of which I'm capable. And my once loving companion, the darkness, is seen in his true light as a scab that I allowed to grow and fester. Now, I am using salve of the here and now and the bandages of compassion, mercy, forgiveness, hope, laughter and love to heal me. The darkness is scarring, and every once in a while he seeks to make me his lover again. I refuse him and I say, "Dwelling in the present moment, I realize this is a wonderful moment. Present moment. Happy moment," and I continue on with a smile on my face and a feeling of peace in my heart. Namaste.

Lighthouses into Safe Harbor

I take a deep breath to calm my nerves and open my mind because as I think about life and its purpose, I lose my mind. I find myself shifting focus from the things that I see as important and the new realities of what sometimes seems a hate driven world. I find it hard to take the next step, to give love and affection to someone hurting or to see beyond myself.

It seems that this world is careening out of control. If you watch the news, our country continues its bipolar mentality of Democrat versus Republican, Conservative versus Liberal, etc. Our politicians bandy words with each other, often muckraking their opponents to get the people to see that their way is the correct way. The news reports on war, death, destruction, famine, murder, malice, and every other pain inducing story they can get their hands on to deliver to the masses. However, what is the truth and what is politically driven to sway the vote or the majority belief? There is so much War, Pestilence, Famine, and Death being dealt out that you'd think the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were riding on our world to bring the final fall of man revealed in Revelations. You can't turn on the news without the depressing onslaught.

Then, you take a breath and the world continues to spin. You take a step and see a young man open the door for his mother or an elderly couple that he allows to go first. You feel depressed about the news of the day or you feel like you aren't worth the star dust that created you and a friend or co-worker notices your suffering; they hold you in their arms or make you laugh. You cry and wish the world would end today and your loving parents somehow know; they call you to check on you and tell you how much they love you.

You see darkness in the world, but in every step you take or every breath you breathe, you notice that in spite of the darkness, light and love are still shining bright. You notice that in the eyes of the youth, you see the hope of a new generation. In the cry of a newborn, the death and destruction can be wiped away with the hope of a new life. In the thrilling laugh of your niece, nephew, daughter, son, or grandchild, the looming darkness lifts with the happiness that that laugh infuses in your day.

Much like the Spring is the infusion of new life and the promise of beauty that washes away the bleakness of Winter, the beauty that we seek in the light, the love, the joy, and the hope of life, we can help to clean the muddied eyes and we can lighten the darkness like a lighthouse in the harbor. Our lighthouses (i.e. friends, family, lovers, husbands, wives, children and all the others that fill our lives with joy and love) stand at safe harbor to give us love, make us laugh, let us cry, hold us through the darkness and bless us with their light. They remind us why we keep trying. They keep us breathing. They help us to continue believing. They bring the darkness into their light and they welcome us home.

I love all of my lighthouses in safe harbor. To all of you I plead, keep bringing me out of the dark. And keep welcoming me home. 

We Are All Connected

In a voiceover monologue at the end of the movie Latter Days, the protagonist Aaron Davis says, "Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good." I have seen this movie many times and the truth of this statement has never really hit me until the start of this new year. I think part of the reason that it is hitting me differently now and that I am writing about it is an experience I had when I was down in St. George working side by side with my two amazing parents and creating beauty through landscaping the backyard. 

While I was in St. George, every morning before my parents and I got to work on the backyard, I would wake up and take my yoga mat out on the back porch that faces the rising sun. The blue hues in the sky and the white, wispy clouds greeted me with the joys of a renewed day. I laid my mat down and sat in the lotus position. With my headphones in but at a low volume, I put the meditative practices of Thich Nhat Hanh and Sister Jina van Hengel from the "Plum Village Meditations" on and began to exist solely in the moment. 

Sister Jina van Hengel guided me through breathing and exercises in dwelling in the present moment. At the end of "Plum Village Meditations," Sister Jina van Hengel guided me through a meditation to relieve anger and resentments toward my parents. (This mediation can be used to release resentments towards others too, but she focuses on the parents.) As I went through the meditation, envisioning my parents at the age of 5 years old, I saw them as fragile and pure beings whom, as they grew, experienced their own sufferings, struggles, and pains. Realizing and acknowledging this, I was able to have compassion for my parents and my love for them grew and continues to grow. I continue to try to water those seeds of love, compassion, and knowledge.

As I sat on the porch with my legs losing the circulation of blood and tingling with sensation, my awareness opened to the pigeons cooing in the nearby trees, the faint breeze caressing my face, the purifying light of the sun as it washed over my face, and the sounds of the neighborhood children waiting for the bus, I felt the connectivity of everything. I became aware of how everything touches everything with souls, if you want to call them souls, or energy. The hum of the pulsing energies of the universe coalesced and washed over me. 

With the compassion I felt for my parents, at that moment, I realized that everyone deserves that compassion because we are all connected, whether through our creator or through the chaos of creation. Our souls or energies meet, touch, and connect with one another. I felt pure joy for the moments I have and for the souls and energies that have touched mine, in pleasure or in pain. Sometimes, I still can't see through the confusion and chaos of life, but "more and more these days, I feel like we are all connected. And it's beautiful...and funny...and good." 

Good Parenting: Experiencing Unconditional Love

A good parent can go a long way. A great, loving parent can carry a child on a journey through the brambles of life when that child's legs won't carry them much further. Now, add another loving parent to that child's life and the load that child carries will be lessened that much more.

I have been one of the lucky ones to have two loving parents to have on my side and by my side during this perilous journey of life. At times, during those moments of growth when I felt so alone, I forgot that they were on my side and by my side. Sometimes, I think I took that fact for granted too often. And I fear, sometimes I cursed them for how protective they were of me. I didn't realize, during those times, that they were doing their best to shield me from the darkness they had seen in this world.

Today, I feel extremely grateful to my parents, who not only have my physical well-being in mind as they protect and have protected me, but they also have my spiritual well-being in mind. I don't know how often, as I've called home to talk, they have said, "We always have you in our prayers," or "we put your name in at the temple." If all else fails in this world, I know that I have two loving people who watch out for me and pray for me. I fear the day when their physical bodies are absent in my life. However, believing in something more than this life allows me to know that they will still be there in spirit and in my heart always.

It is thinking of my parents love for me that I wish with all my heart that every child could be this lucky. I wish everyone could experience the love of a parent. I wish children could experience the unconditional love a parent gives even when they disagree with where your life is headed. I know that not all people will agree with me, but in my wishing, I have a hope that people can see past sexual orientation when the well-being of a child is concerned and know that love is love. That child will be cared for. Whether by a mother and a father, two mothers, two fathers, a single mother, or a single father, that child will get to experience unconditional love. And that is a beautiful gift.

In one of the cover pages of Gordon Merrick's novel The Lord Won't Mind, it says, "I say, if it's love the Lord won't mind. There's enough hate in the world." And how can I disagree with this. There is so much hate in the world. I can't allow other's to suffer if they could have the chance to love and be loved, even if that structure of love goes against what society says is a "normal family." Because really, what is a "normal family?" Can anyone really say they have normal parents or a normal family?

Impermanence: Learning to Change with Grace

In the novel The Men From the Boys by William J. Mann, the characters are struggling to find the path that they are supposed to be on and struggling to find the passion in their lives again. One of the characters, Jeff, after struggling with change and wanting to have things stay the same, says, "There's a certain beauty to ambiguity. It's only then that we take control over our lives...But really, I think we can't know all the time what it is we're supposed to do. There's no way--not anymore--for us to think anything is ever going to stay the same. But we can trust that we'll do the best we can, and I like to think there will be people who love us who will help" (342). Jeff comes to realize that no matter how hard he struggles to maintain continuity and no matter how hard he tries to stick to the script that he think is written for this life, everything changes and nothing is permanent.

All through my twenties, and I guess part of my later teenage years, I have been struggling to find the passion I see in the lives of others and have been struggling to find permanence in this world, but I have grown to understand, lately, that life is not permanent and is full of impermanence. Everything changes. The weather never stays the same and changes from moment to moment. The seasons change; one season is colder or warmer than the last. The flowers grow in the spring and die in the fall. And all that we are changes with the epiphanies, the deaths of loved ones, the love we experience, and the life we live. We all change and are impermanent, but change is a good thing.

Through the changes that we experience, we come to experience life in new ways. If we can take the positive out of those experiences and epiphanies, we we learn to look at what we have now with new eyes every moment of the day. Life is an experience of change and we need to accept that change as a universal. When we fight change, we fight the tides of life and we become embittered because life isn't sticking to the script that we thought was permanent and written in the stars.

The key for me, in learning to accept change and impermanence, is learning that I am fallible and will make mistakes, but if I do the best I can, no one can hold it against me. Loved ones will surround me and will take care of me when I suffer. Loved ones will surround me and will celebrate with me when I achieve those moments of happiness and epiphanies. There will be "people who love us who will help" us get through the changes. People who will be there to lift our heads when we falter. People who will hold our hands when we are scared of the changes. People who will walk for us when we can't walk any longer. And people to love us through it all. We will learn to change and we will learn to love, laugh, and live that much more and that much deeper.

To Love Freely

In a few days, we will be lucky to acknowledge the ones we love by telling them with cards, candy, flowers, or jewelry that we love them. Though, once day a year should never be enough to express for those closest to us we love them. Valentine's Day is indeed a very important day, but perhaps we should allow it to mean more.

Over the past years, I have been among the unlucky few (or many) who don't have a significant other with whom to share Valentine's Day. I saw this holiday as a way for those with someone to rub that fact in the noses of the rest of us who don't have a special someone. In fact, I started to refer to it as Singles Awareness Day or SAD day because you become extremely aware of your single status; Facebook has done nothing to help with that awareness. I began to notice more the couples holding hands, kissing, and showing all forms of affection for each other. I became very embittered and more and more hateful seeing public displays of affection. Love seemed to be a foreign thing I would never know and it hurt. Loneliness is never what anyone wants.

However, this year, though I don't have anyone to call my love, boyfriend, partner, etc., I have a new desire to look at loved ones, though not intimate loved ones, that I can surround myself with as a blessing. I have great friends, family, parents, a grandmother, and many others that I can list among those I love and that love me. I realize how blessed I am to have so much love in my life. I am blessed and I want to acknowledge, this year, that love.

I love and am loved. Who could ask for more? I used to think love was just thrown around without thinking of its true purpose behind its use. But who can judge the intent behind using love so freely? I am not one who can judge. Love should not be contained because I am bitter about not having a significant other to share it with. Love is. Love should not be stifled or hidden. This year, Singles Awareness Day is no more for me; SAD day is not existent. I can't let it be ruinous to the positive energy with which I want to surround myself.

To my friends, I love you. Mom and Dad, eu te amo. To my brothers and sisters, 愛してる . This year, whether you say, "je t'aime;" "eu te amo;" "愛してる;" "ich liebe dich;" "我爱你;" "Ti amo;" "Я вас люблю;" "I love you," or any other variation of the phrase, don't worry about how you say I love you, just say it.

Is it too much to ask...

"All men are created equal." This is what *you tell the LGBT community, but then you say that a nation under God can't allow two people who love each other to get married because "marriage is only between a man and a woman." "You can't visit a loved one in the hospital;" "your spouse cannot be covered under your insurance;" or you say, "I don't care what you do, just don't flaunt it in my face." You use these sayings and phrases as means to reject the LGBT community, but protect yourselves behind the law to afford yourselves and those you love these rights.

"God loves all his children." "Love the sinner not the sin." "Love thy neighbor as thyself." "Do unto others as you would have done to you." More babel you spout as religious doctrine and ethics, but your children are taught to tolerate the LGBT community. They are taught to tolerate gay people, but not accept and love. They tolerate lesbians by shunning them. They tolerate LGBT people with their bullying. They tolerate gay people when they scream faggot. They tolerate gay men when they tell their friends to stay away cause gay men have AIDS. They tolerate gay teens by keeping them out of Boy Scouts. And they tolerate LGBT people when, in everything they do, they show their hatred for the community.

"You are amazing, but not as you are." You like LGBT people to be the butt of the joke and to fit the stereotypes, but that's all you want. You want LGBT people to change because after all "it's a choice." Right? "You are so good at my hair;" "you make this room pop;" and "everything looks fabulous." But you want that fabulous nature stifled and de-sexed.

You say one thing but want another. You want one thing for yourself, but God forbid it be an equal allocation to all citizens. You ignore the bullying and hide the bullies under the guise of saying "they're just kids." Well, kids grow into adults and you haven't taught them anything. All that is needed is for what you say to match what you do. Is that too much to ask?

*"you" is used, in this entry (except in the quotations), as an over-generalization to indicate the people that have been spouting the rhetoric in the face of the LGBT community for years. If you don't fit into this over-gerneralized category, don't take offense.