Nothing to Fear in Death

Is it weird that I do not fear Death? I have considered this oddity many times and find it different or abnormal from the beliefs of family, friends, and strangers. I haven't known what to think, but as I consider what is to come, I think, "What need is there to fear or dread?"

My sweet Grammy passed on last June. However, before she passed on, my mom, my mom's sister--Aunt Phyllis--, and I had a night of watching my Grammy suffer in pain. We held her hand as she laid in her medical bed Mom and Dad had set up upstairs. We told her we loved her. I was blessed to try to comfort her by singing. She always loved to hear my voice and this was my pleasure to sing to her; the tears, however, made it hard to get the words out.

As we gathered around her, I struggled to see her suffering, so I leaned in to her and, holding her hand, said, "Grammy-love, you don't need to suffer. We have had you long enough. It's time for Pappy to have you back. Stop fighting on this side. Let go." One of the sweetest ladies I know, looked at me and, through the pain, managed to say, "I love you."

For most of that night, the week previous, and the day she died, she continually said, "I love you." She couldn't go without it being understood that she loved us. The very next day, after we sat with her and I told her to stop fighting, the beautiful woman who I was blessed to call my Grammy passed on.

The night that I said what I did, after we were able to get Grammy to sleep, my mom asked me how I was able to say the things I said to Grammy. I told her that there was nothing to fear in Death. I said that if we truly believe in a just and merciful God, we have nothing to fear in Death. She still didn't understand how I said what I did and, sometimes, I wonder how I said the things I said.

The Truth is that I truly believe in a just and merciful God. I know that God will judge me on my heart not just my deeds. And I know that death is not final; Death is the beginning of the next journey. Death will inevitably come, so why fear death when I can celebrate life.

I used to often contemplate death. In fact, at one point in my life, I tried to take that life because I felt so alone. I often considered death to be the only solution that I had available to me because like was handing me so many cards; I didn't know how to play with the ones I was dealt. A common thought that ran through my mind was, "If I'm going to go to Hell for killing myself and I'm going to go to Hell for being gay, I might as well get it over with." It is sad to repeat those thoughts, but I think it is necessary to say because I want people to understand that what is being taught and being said to others, can make life a very difficult thing to continue living.

Because of what I was taught in church, I saw myself as an abomination and a mistake. Thanks to Leviticus and Romans, in the Bible, I thought that God hated me, that he made a mistake in me, and that I was going to burn in Hell. Because I was in so much emotional turmoil, I knew that I needed to kill myself and start suffering early because I felt that God was going to me punish me anyway.

The thought that I considered death daily is very sad and disheartening. I know that there is so much to live for, but at the time, I was stuck in an up and down cycle of despair with  brief reprieves of happiness. Now that I've found the solution for me and the strength within, part of which I think comes from the energy and love my Grammy gives me everyday, I am not haunted by the constant preoccupation with death and I know that I am not a mistake; the god I believe in loves me.

This preoccupation with death, in my past, has given me a lack of fear of the end of life. My acquaintance and fraternization with death has allowed me to see the joys inherent in life and has allowed me to see that, though death is but a journey, I don't need to fear its advent. I know that whatever is next, whether paradise or reincarnation, I know that my energy, my soul, will seek out and find my loved ones again and peace will find me. God, or whatever derivation of His title you decide to use, will judge with mercy and with love. And that is an encouraging thought. Namaste.

We Are All Connected

In a voiceover monologue at the end of the movie Latter Days, the protagonist Aaron Davis says, "Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good." I have seen this movie many times and the truth of this statement has never really hit me until the start of this new year. I think part of the reason that it is hitting me differently now and that I am writing about it is an experience I had when I was down in St. George working side by side with my two amazing parents and creating beauty through landscaping the backyard. 

While I was in St. George, every morning before my parents and I got to work on the backyard, I would wake up and take my yoga mat out on the back porch that faces the rising sun. The blue hues in the sky and the white, wispy clouds greeted me with the joys of a renewed day. I laid my mat down and sat in the lotus position. With my headphones in but at a low volume, I put the meditative practices of Thich Nhat Hanh and Sister Jina van Hengel from the "Plum Village Meditations" on and began to exist solely in the moment. 

Sister Jina van Hengel guided me through breathing and exercises in dwelling in the present moment. At the end of "Plum Village Meditations," Sister Jina van Hengel guided me through a meditation to relieve anger and resentments toward my parents. (This mediation can be used to release resentments towards others too, but she focuses on the parents.) As I went through the meditation, envisioning my parents at the age of 5 years old, I saw them as fragile and pure beings whom, as they grew, experienced their own sufferings, struggles, and pains. Realizing and acknowledging this, I was able to have compassion for my parents and my love for them grew and continues to grow. I continue to try to water those seeds of love, compassion, and knowledge.

As I sat on the porch with my legs losing the circulation of blood and tingling with sensation, my awareness opened to the pigeons cooing in the nearby trees, the faint breeze caressing my face, the purifying light of the sun as it washed over my face, and the sounds of the neighborhood children waiting for the bus, I felt the connectivity of everything. I became aware of how everything touches everything with souls, if you want to call them souls, or energy. The hum of the pulsing energies of the universe coalesced and washed over me. 

With the compassion I felt for my parents, at that moment, I realized that everyone deserves that compassion because we are all connected, whether through our creator or through the chaos of creation. Our souls or energies meet, touch, and connect with one another. I felt pure joy for the moments I have and for the souls and energies that have touched mine, in pleasure or in pain. Sometimes, I still can't see through the confusion and chaos of life, but "more and more these days, I feel like we are all connected. And it's beautiful...and funny...and good."