There Was a Time, But Times Change

There was a time in my life when I would wake up everyday feeling like the world was crushing me under its thumb. I felt like with every step I took I was being pulled into the quicksand of life. During these times of my life, I would pray to God, everyday, to take me home, to crush me under a rock, or run me over with a car. I would beg for everything to be over with. I couldn't stand being. With every breath I breathed, I felt my lungs burn inside of me. Every time I looked at myself, I would sneer in hateful derision. I was nothing and I felt that that nothingness needed to be snuffed out. And there were times, when God didn't answer me, I tried to take the life and snuff it out for myself. I wanted my light to stop shining.

There were times in my life, from the time I was thirteen years old to barely six months ago, that life seemed to be burdened with my existence in it. But something has happened to me. I am not sure, as I have written many times before, what has happened. The abyss no longer craves the blood that flows through me and the darkness is quelled by the light that shines in my song, my voice, and in the words that bleed from my veins. I have changed, though probably not in the way that my family has thought the change would come.

Years ago, I was talking to my mother about life and the challenges that plagued me. I was talking about the darkness that surrounded me. (I know the pain that I felt was felt by my mom; she and I have always been so close. The closeness must stem from the bond that she and I have shared since my conception. I would call my mom one of my best friends and I think she would agree with me.) During our conversation, she told me of an experience she had while she was praying. She said she was praying for me and praying that I would be okay; she said she was praying that I would find joy in life. And she said she received an answer to her prayer. She said she heard that I would be okay; she knew that I would be happy and find joy because of the answer to her prayer.

She and I, however, have different interpretations of the answer to her prayer. She knows that the answer means that I will come back to the church, marry in the temple, and find joy in raising a family. While that is a very beautiful interpretation of the answer to her prayer, I have told her on different occasions that that answer doesn't mean I will no longer be gay. I have told her that my joy in life may reside in something other than how she and my dad have found their joy in love and marriage in the temple.

No matter the true answer to the interpretation of the answer to her prayer, I believe I have started to walk the path that will lead me to be "okay." I know the path I walk on is taking me to joy and love and peace. God is answering my mom's prayer. Life is taking me down a path that I don't know the end to; of course, I don't know that there is an end, but life has me walking down this path and my head is held high. The days of wanting God to crush me under His thumb feel years behind me. The times, when I wished for life to take the energy and the body it had given me and snuff out the light in me, seem to be just figments of illusion.

These days, I walk with my candle burning bright for the world to see. A smile comes easily to my face. A laugh leaps to my throat for all to hear. A song resides in my breast and sings for all to hear. A spark of life dances in my eyes like the twinkling light of the stars at night for all to witness. These days, though I know death is coming, I don't rush headlong into the fray hoping for death to take me. These days laughter is what I crave. Love is what I need. And life is the most exciting and brilliant adventure that I find myself racing with to a brighter everyday. Namaste.

Miracles: Looking at the Smaller Things in Life to Continue Living

Thich Nhat Hanh writes, in his book True Love, "We are surrounded by miracles, but we have to recognize them; otherwise there is no life" (16). Miracles are everywhere we look; however, they do not always look like the miracles of Christ that are mentioned in the New Testament. Thich Nhat Hanh is suggesting that miracles are everywhere. However, how can you see the small miracles that are everywhere, when you are only looking for the grand miracles?

I have spent quite a lot of my life praying to God for a specific miracle. I have wanted God to kill me or make me different, make me not attracted to guys. I have felt deficient and broken since I was thirteen. And I have prayed for a miracle to change me and make me normal. I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to be a rainbow colored crow in a murder of black crows. I craved the normalcy that was given to everyone else.

In looking for the grand miracle of transformation and correction, I stopped being; I stopped living life. I was looking for the change which wouldn't come. I ignored the simple miracles of life that surrounded me and shrugged of the miracles that infused the air I took in to sustain me. The simplicity of life escaped my view because my focus was on bigger and grander events.

I looked past the miracle of the heart that continues to beat within my chest. I couldn't see that with every breath I took in I was part of the miracle of life. I looked passed the flowers that bloomed, the trees that continue to grow, and the miracle of love that continued to evade my gaze. All of these miracles and many more went unseen because of the pure distaste for the man I am.

I know that the miracles of life flow within me and continues to make me a miracle. I am acknowledging the little miracles in my life and in so doing, I am living life and appreciating every rainbow colored facet that is me. I still encounter moments when the grand miracle of transformation and correction is all I can look for, and those moments when I  hate the man I see in the mirror. However, as I see the small, everyday miracles, I can take deep breaths and I can live my life of rainbow colored splendor, seeing the small and beautiful miracles life has to offer. Namaste.

Impermanence: Learning to Change with Grace

In the novel The Men From the Boys by William J. Mann, the characters are struggling to find the path that they are supposed to be on and struggling to find the passion in their lives again. One of the characters, Jeff, after struggling with change and wanting to have things stay the same, says, "There's a certain beauty to ambiguity. It's only then that we take control over our lives...But really, I think we can't know all the time what it is we're supposed to do. There's no way--not anymore--for us to think anything is ever going to stay the same. But we can trust that we'll do the best we can, and I like to think there will be people who love us who will help" (342). Jeff comes to realize that no matter how hard he struggles to maintain continuity and no matter how hard he tries to stick to the script that he think is written for this life, everything changes and nothing is permanent.

All through my twenties, and I guess part of my later teenage years, I have been struggling to find the passion I see in the lives of others and have been struggling to find permanence in this world, but I have grown to understand, lately, that life is not permanent and is full of impermanence. Everything changes. The weather never stays the same and changes from moment to moment. The seasons change; one season is colder or warmer than the last. The flowers grow in the spring and die in the fall. And all that we are changes with the epiphanies, the deaths of loved ones, the love we experience, and the life we live. We all change and are impermanent, but change is a good thing.

Through the changes that we experience, we come to experience life in new ways. If we can take the positive out of those experiences and epiphanies, we we learn to look at what we have now with new eyes every moment of the day. Life is an experience of change and we need to accept that change as a universal. When we fight change, we fight the tides of life and we become embittered because life isn't sticking to the script that we thought was permanent and written in the stars.

The key for me, in learning to accept change and impermanence, is learning that I am fallible and will make mistakes, but if I do the best I can, no one can hold it against me. Loved ones will surround me and will take care of me when I suffer. Loved ones will surround me and will celebrate with me when I achieve those moments of happiness and epiphanies. There will be "people who love us who will help" us get through the changes. People who will be there to lift our heads when we falter. People who will hold our hands when we are scared of the changes. People who will walk for us when we can't walk any longer. And people to love us through it all. We will learn to change and we will learn to love, laugh, and live that much more and that much deeper.