"I Must Not Fear": Seeing Beyond Fear and Opening Myself Up to Possibility

How do you know the perfect time to say that you like or even love someone? Is there a set time for pet names? Is there a set time to do it? I found myself asking these question when I started to feel an inkling of affection for a guy. We haven't know each other long and we have gone on a few dates. However, I have had this strange need to call him "babe." When I text and talk to him, the word almost slips out as if naturally, but I tend to censor myself because I don't want to scare him away. Is there a time frame for things or do you just let yourself fall?

Life is an interesting hodgepodge of chaotic events that I don't understand and have a hard time navigating. I have to take what I see in pop culture as the way things are. I don't have a couple I am close enough to to turn to for these kind of questions and examples of how to approach dating men. I know it sounds stupid, but I don't know who to turn to to answer the questions that are abundant and confusing in my mind. It is a tornado of uncertainty and misconceptions on how to act and how to be.

When I told the guy I want to call "babe," that I keep censoring myself in text, he asked me why I was censoring myself. I told him it was a bit early to start doling out pet names and I didn't want to scare him away. He told me to stop censoring myself because there is not set time to do one thing or say another. He told me to do what feels natural.

It still makes me nervous to call him "babe," but at the same time, it feels normal and it feels great. I think if I continue to censor myself to save people's feelings from being hurt or because I am nervous I will scare them away, I will continue to miss out on some of the greatest adventures of my life because fear ruled me and my actions. I can't let fear be my ruler; I must rule it.

One of my favorite books is Dune by Frank Herbert and in it is one of my favorite quotes. It is the Litany against Fear that the Bene Gesserit say and the main character Paul says multiple times throughout the novel. (I know I am kind of a geek, but deal with it! :-) ) The Litany against Fear is kind of a mantra that I am adapting to my own life. The Litany against Fear is:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain (12).

Life is not meant to be feared but is meant to be lived. If we fear, we miss the most important and meaningful events in our lives. And sometimes we skip out on some important people coming into our lives. So, "[We] must not fear," and we must open myself to the possibilities beyond ourselves. And sometimes, just fall. Namaste. 

Finding Comfort and Joy in Sangha and Dharma: A Prayer of Hope for my Loved Ones

It is a true act of love and support for any one of us to do the opposite of what we currently believe to show support for what our loved ones believe. Today, I am blessed to be tested in my support of my nephew who, at the age of eight, is being baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My own views of life and spirituality have shifted from the days of my childhood. Life has given me a different way to see the world and the way I see organized religion. However, as I talk about my own disdain for organized religion, I see the need for the community of belief and faith.

In Buddhism, the community is called the sangha and is a necessity for the seeds of faith and belief to grow and flourish. It is a place that is meant to share, communicate, and discuss the teachings and beliefs or the dharma of those who went before us. So, this test for me to enter, or re-enter, the Mormon sangha is an immense test, but I love my nephew; I have decided that in spite of my own beliefs, he is important and I would rather he believe in something than wander in a darkness of disbelief and confusion. I am happy for him though I no longer fully believe as he believes.

As I sit here in support, I am trying to remember how I used to believe and I am trying to remember the day that I was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church. But memory escapes my grasp. My parents and one of my sisters say they remember my confirmation. They say I must have really been feeling the Spirit of God because I was weeping and they have never seen an eight year old cry like I was. It makes me wonder what feelings I was really feeling that day. I wonder if it was the Spirit or if it was something else entirely. Like I said, however, memory remains a fog of forgetfulness and mystery; the mystery, I suppose, will forever remain.

In spite of my lack of memory and my disdain of organized religion, I have a deep residing hope today that my nephew may retain his memories of this time and I have a hope that the God he believes in, as his Heavenly Father, will keep the promises given my nephew in the form of blessing, given to him through my brother. I have a hope that he can continue to believe and live a life that is free of suffering and pain. I know we all suffer, but may his and all my other nieces and nephews' lives be as free of pain and suffering as possible. May their lives be full of the promised joy and happiness through their beliefs and hopes. And may they be blessed with their memories, so they may walk through those memories with constant remembrance, free from the foggy banks of mystery. Finally, I hope they embrace the sangha and the dharma of the Church and may the dharma and the sangha of the Church embrace them back, keeping them in that embrace. Namaste.