Is it me? This self-defeating question comes to me often. The question "Is it me?" or its alternative, "Is there something wrong with me?" ends up being asked as the result of a friend pushing me away, always getting turned down, being told I am too heavy, being told, "You're just not my type." These things, along with the myriad of other outside stimuli that assault me, force me to ask, "Is there something wrong with me?"
I know that there is nothing wrong with who I am or what I look like, but the constant barrage of negativity and rejection that flows over me forces me to negatively look inward to find fault in the material that I am made of. Looking negatively inward for fault and error in the temple construction that is my body is erroneous. It is a mistake to look at a perfect body and look for mistakes in the make-up because we each are grand edifices that have formed over the years.
Acknowledging error in finding fault in myself is easy to say and think about, but the question is how do you look away from the negativity and rejection and not look for what is wrong with you? How do you not look for fault in the foundations that make you who you are? I look in the mirror and see the physical things that seem unappealing and think to myself, "If only I could be thirty pounds thinner, I would be looked at and noticed more." But is it true? Does a change in my weight make me a different person? How do I become content with the temple that I am and not seek modification to change me and make me shine more?
In a world where superficial and trivial things matter more than the person you truly are, how does one become content with the temple body one has been given? I am not sure I have the answer to many of the questions I have posed because I still struggle with appreciating the masterpiece that is me. I look in the mirror and see an overweight person with glasses and see those physical traits as flaws. I see myself as flawed because I am not the GQ model in the magazines. I see the cowlick in my beard and notice yet another physical flaw. My teeth are mother-of-pearl in color and not brilliant white. I examine myself and notice only flaws, especially when moments of rejection force me to ask, "Is it me?" The list of flaws grows and the self-defeating questions and lists roll off my tongue naturally.
I think, however, I have found a small remedy to self-defeatist thinking in regard to self-image. It sounds stupid, but I think if I try it, the self-moralizing thoughts and observations will become just as natural to me as the self-defeating ones. My idea is that for every negative observation that I note, I have to come up with two positive and moralizing observations about myself. Because I have spent years listing everything that is wrong with me, thinking of the positive things will seem stupid and will be difficult to do at firs. Thinking positively about myself will seem abnormal because it goes against what I have been doing and saying to myself for years. But at some point, thinking positively about myself will become natural although it seemed forced at first.
As I begin to see what about me is good and positive the question of "Is it me?" or "Is there something wrong with me?" will soon become background noise and unimportant. I will notice what is good in me. My temple body will not be flawed and marred, but it will shine and be noticed.
With every effort to see the positive in everything we are, we start to be proud of who we are. We become powerful beings. We become masters of our own minds and shapers of ourselves. And that is a gift and a blessing.
I know that there is nothing wrong with who I am or what I look like, but the constant barrage of negativity and rejection that flows over me forces me to negatively look inward to find fault in the material that I am made of. Looking negatively inward for fault and error in the temple construction that is my body is erroneous. It is a mistake to look at a perfect body and look for mistakes in the make-up because we each are grand edifices that have formed over the years.
Acknowledging error in finding fault in myself is easy to say and think about, but the question is how do you look away from the negativity and rejection and not look for what is wrong with you? How do you not look for fault in the foundations that make you who you are? I look in the mirror and see the physical things that seem unappealing and think to myself, "If only I could be thirty pounds thinner, I would be looked at and noticed more." But is it true? Does a change in my weight make me a different person? How do I become content with the temple that I am and not seek modification to change me and make me shine more?
In a world where superficial and trivial things matter more than the person you truly are, how does one become content with the temple body one has been given? I am not sure I have the answer to many of the questions I have posed because I still struggle with appreciating the masterpiece that is me. I look in the mirror and see an overweight person with glasses and see those physical traits as flaws. I see myself as flawed because I am not the GQ model in the magazines. I see the cowlick in my beard and notice yet another physical flaw. My teeth are mother-of-pearl in color and not brilliant white. I examine myself and notice only flaws, especially when moments of rejection force me to ask, "Is it me?" The list of flaws grows and the self-defeating questions and lists roll off my tongue naturally.
I think, however, I have found a small remedy to self-defeatist thinking in regard to self-image. It sounds stupid, but I think if I try it, the self-moralizing thoughts and observations will become just as natural to me as the self-defeating ones. My idea is that for every negative observation that I note, I have to come up with two positive and moralizing observations about myself. Because I have spent years listing everything that is wrong with me, thinking of the positive things will seem stupid and will be difficult to do at firs. Thinking positively about myself will seem abnormal because it goes against what I have been doing and saying to myself for years. But at some point, thinking positively about myself will become natural although it seemed forced at first.
As I begin to see what about me is good and positive the question of "Is it me?" or "Is there something wrong with me?" will soon become background noise and unimportant. I will notice what is good in me. My temple body will not be flawed and marred, but it will shine and be noticed.
With every effort to see the positive in everything we are, we start to be proud of who we are. We become powerful beings. We become masters of our own minds and shapers of ourselves. And that is a gift and a blessing.
No comments:
Post a Comment