It's funny how you look at your current situations and think that somehow if you make this change or that change, life will be different and somehow better. However, as you make the necessary changes, life picks you up, chews on you until you cry and then spits you out. So what happened? Why did the necessary changes, or the changes you thought were necessary, hurt you more than help you?
Once again, the grass is greener complex has you in its clutches and, once again, you are left with dried grass instead of the promised greener pastures. Once again, a wildfire is set at your feet to scorch the land you thought was going to be better for you.
This is the malady of my life: the Grass-is-Greener complex. I recently made a schedule change at work because I thought it would give my roommate/co-worker and I stuff to talk about again. I felt like an old, married couple who can sit in the same room for hours and barely say a few words to each other. Silence and no conversation are not what I want from my friendship, so I decided that spending too much time together was detrimental and damaging to our friendship. I told my boss I wanted to go to a different shift in hopes that my roommate and I would be able to talk again. I'm not ready to be an old, married couple with the comfortable silence between us.
I am on the fifth day of working an afternoon shift and have already found myself in the bathroom crying for a stupid reason. The nurse confronted me about putting the patient's food, that would otherwise be discarded, in the employee fridge. I knew being confronted about this was bound to happen, but I didn't think it would happen so soon.
I know the politics of the hospital and I know mistakes are always the only things noticed and the positive things you do are mentioned in an email, almost as an afterthought. The higher-ups find fault in everything and rarely let mistakes fall by the wayside. Yes, I did what my nurse was asking me about, but throwing things away seems wasteful and unnecessary, but this is what the higher-ups want. They want us to be wasteful and throw away the excess rather than think up a solution to do away with this wasteful and spend-y behavior.
This confrontation, because I am not used to it, was enough to send me reeling. My mind and emotions are so extremely sensitive that, unfortunately, confrontations and stupidity bring to tears. I hate that I am so sensitive. In the past when these moments of tears would arrive and I found myself, like the drama queen I am, throwing myself on my bed and crying, my mom would tell me to stop being so sensitive. I wish there was an on-off switch that would turn off how sensitive I am, but unfortunately, I am not built thus. Maybe it is the gay man or the little boy in me, but there is some part of me that can't help but be sensitive and cry every once in a while. Though, if anyone knows the on-off switch for my sensitivity, please let me know.
For now, however, with the new schedule and the dried grass at my feet, not the green grass, I suppose a cry in the bathroom will have to be my solution for now because suggestions and conversations go nowhere, ending in brick walls and dead ends. For now, I will water the dead grass that is before me and make it green. Namaste.
Once again, the grass is greener complex has you in its clutches and, once again, you are left with dried grass instead of the promised greener pastures. Once again, a wildfire is set at your feet to scorch the land you thought was going to be better for you.
This is the malady of my life: the Grass-is-Greener complex. I recently made a schedule change at work because I thought it would give my roommate/co-worker and I stuff to talk about again. I felt like an old, married couple who can sit in the same room for hours and barely say a few words to each other. Silence and no conversation are not what I want from my friendship, so I decided that spending too much time together was detrimental and damaging to our friendship. I told my boss I wanted to go to a different shift in hopes that my roommate and I would be able to talk again. I'm not ready to be an old, married couple with the comfortable silence between us.
I am on the fifth day of working an afternoon shift and have already found myself in the bathroom crying for a stupid reason. The nurse confronted me about putting the patient's food, that would otherwise be discarded, in the employee fridge. I knew being confronted about this was bound to happen, but I didn't think it would happen so soon.
I know the politics of the hospital and I know mistakes are always the only things noticed and the positive things you do are mentioned in an email, almost as an afterthought. The higher-ups find fault in everything and rarely let mistakes fall by the wayside. Yes, I did what my nurse was asking me about, but throwing things away seems wasteful and unnecessary, but this is what the higher-ups want. They want us to be wasteful and throw away the excess rather than think up a solution to do away with this wasteful and spend-y behavior.
This confrontation, because I am not used to it, was enough to send me reeling. My mind and emotions are so extremely sensitive that, unfortunately, confrontations and stupidity bring to tears. I hate that I am so sensitive. In the past when these moments of tears would arrive and I found myself, like the drama queen I am, throwing myself on my bed and crying, my mom would tell me to stop being so sensitive. I wish there was an on-off switch that would turn off how sensitive I am, but unfortunately, I am not built thus. Maybe it is the gay man or the little boy in me, but there is some part of me that can't help but be sensitive and cry every once in a while. Though, if anyone knows the on-off switch for my sensitivity, please let me know.
For now, however, with the new schedule and the dried grass at my feet, not the green grass, I suppose a cry in the bathroom will have to be my solution for now because suggestions and conversations go nowhere, ending in brick walls and dead ends. For now, I will water the dead grass that is before me and make it green. Namaste.
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