Write On: Writing for the Pleasure and Joy of Writing

"I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think." These are the words of Rumi, a poet and Sufi mystic. As I contemplate what he said and I ponder my writing, I wonder what are my true intentions in writing. Is it the pure joy of writing, not caring who reads it or what someone reads? Or do I want to be heard,  editing what I say so that people will read it and understand?

I was just thinking about why I write the other day; I was asking myself why I keep writing if so very few read what I am writing. Truth be told, I think my ego is seeking the notoriety of being a writer, a philosopher, and a free thinker. My ego is seeking recognition for the things it thinks up. So, I, for a time, have been writing to appease my over-inflated ego.

Now, however, as I think about Rumi's quotation, I want to be like the bird and, instead of singing (though singing may be just as cathartic as my writing), I want to write for the pure joy I find in the release of frustrations, anger, stresses, negative emotions, love, joy, and other positive emotions. I want to write what needs to be written for the healing release of emotion and pure thought energy. I want to write as though I don't care who is reading it and without a care as to what they think about my content within my penned words.

There are people I have heard state that laughter is the best medicine and, while I agree with this statement because there is nothing like a good laugh, I would add that there is nothing like the cathartic and medicinal release of scripted and penned words in the release of emotion (positive or negative) in a harmonious and non-violent way. The written and harmonious words can lift and enlighten not only the writer, but it can also give release and awareness to those who happen to stumble on your words.

To Rumi's words of " I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think," I would add that although the bird may not care who its audience is or what they think, the harmonious song the bird sings affects the listener in ways the listener may not have expected. The same can be said about the writer; he/she may not care for the who or the what, but the reader may become affected by the words and continue on with their day in heightened states of thinking and being. So, I say, "Singer sing on. Dancer dance on. And writer write on." Namaste.

Miracles: Looking at the Smaller Things in Life to Continue Living

Thich Nhat Hanh writes, in his book True Love, "We are surrounded by miracles, but we have to recognize them; otherwise there is no life" (16). Miracles are everywhere we look; however, they do not always look like the miracles of Christ that are mentioned in the New Testament. Thich Nhat Hanh is suggesting that miracles are everywhere. However, how can you see the small miracles that are everywhere, when you are only looking for the grand miracles?

I have spent quite a lot of my life praying to God for a specific miracle. I have wanted God to kill me or make me different, make me not attracted to guys. I have felt deficient and broken since I was thirteen. And I have prayed for a miracle to change me and make me normal. I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to be a rainbow colored crow in a murder of black crows. I craved the normalcy that was given to everyone else.

In looking for the grand miracle of transformation and correction, I stopped being; I stopped living life. I was looking for the change which wouldn't come. I ignored the simple miracles of life that surrounded me and shrugged of the miracles that infused the air I took in to sustain me. The simplicity of life escaped my view because my focus was on bigger and grander events.

I looked past the miracle of the heart that continues to beat within my chest. I couldn't see that with every breath I took in I was part of the miracle of life. I looked passed the flowers that bloomed, the trees that continue to grow, and the miracle of love that continued to evade my gaze. All of these miracles and many more went unseen because of the pure distaste for the man I am.

I know that the miracles of life flow within me and continues to make me a miracle. I am acknowledging the little miracles in my life and in so doing, I am living life and appreciating every rainbow colored facet that is me. I still encounter moments when the grand miracle of transformation and correction is all I can look for, and those moments when I  hate the man I see in the mirror. However, as I see the small, everyday miracles, I can take deep breaths and I can live my life of rainbow colored splendor, seeing the small and beautiful miracles life has to offer. Namaste.

My Rainbow Colored Puzzle Piece: Where Does I Fit in the Puzzle?

Have you ever tried to fit your puzzle piece into a puzzle, but everywhere you place it the puzzle piece doesn't fit? This is the conundrum of my life. I have yet to find the what and the how for my puzzle piece to fit. I feel like I am so different from my family puzzle and the world puzzle that I often am crooked or a boarder piece that only helps to form the puzzle, but doesn't actually aide in the picture that is created.

My place in the puzzle of life has yet to be determined. I remain a mundane piece that is far from illuminating. My location in the puzzle can't seem to be found. Jobs, purpose, love, etc. All apparently meaningful things in life are left with holes and missing pieces.

However, as I contemplate my rainbow colored puzzle piece, I know that at some point I will discover where, in this kaleidoscope puzzle of life, my piece will fit. I just need to continue on the paths I have chosen; although, they sometimes seem to have chosen me.

My future is obscured by the chaos of choice and my past is fragmentary and elusive. My here and now is clear, colorful, and beautiful. My puzzle piece may not connect and may seem out of sorts at this precise moment, but such is the chaotic nature of life. I will find connection. I will find my place and my fit...eventually. Namaste.

The Middle Way: Finding Balance in the Chaotic

I think it's time to find the "Middle way" again and find the balance to re-stabilize my life. I am running into walls and tearing up over nothing more often than I should be. So, I think its time to seek my center again because when I am centered and living in the now I am able to shrug things off and not let them affect me.

The "Middle Way" is the harmonious balance and avoiding the extremes in life. The balances on my scales are continually shifting and changing; they are far from harmonious right now. The difficulty is finding what is causing the shifts and avoiding them or finding their cure. But how do you find balance in a world of chaos and disturbances? I'm finding it difficult to breathe in everyday situations. I'm not sure what is the cause of the chaos and the constrictions in me, making it hard to breathe.

I think that the biggest thing for me that is causing the chaos and imbalance is my friendship. When terse and one-worded responses make the most of the conversations we share, I fear that that is all dissolving into nothingness and an abyss. I am trying my hardest to not let this push me away, but I don't know how to fix when I don't know what has broken. How can you fix a problem when the problem remains unspoken and/or avoided?

Is it time to find a new place to live? I have changed my work schedule so that my friend doesn't have to see me at home as well as at work. But is it now time for me to completely leave the house? I don't know if I am just over-analyzing the situation and not allowing for outside sources of chaos. I don't know if, in my over-analysis, I am doing everything in my unconscious power to break what isn't broken.

Herein lies my current state of suffering: because I am not allowing the transitory nature of life, even in regards to friendships, I am craving control of the situations and my relationships. In so doing, I suffer because I want nothing to change. But everything is changing whether I want it to or not. Also, because I seek control of the chaos, even though the control I seek is not possible, I am going to continue suffering until I can relinquish control and accept the transitory nature of life.

To the universe, then, I say, "I accept the chaos all around me and my lack of control of the chaos. I will release my desires for control because I know the control is an illusion and I am incapable of controlling the chaos. I accept the transitory nature of life and I will accept the inevitability of change. I will live in this moment and accept it as it is. I will live and be." Namaste.

Nothing Hidden in the Bright Lights

Bright lights shine
     I take a step
once into light
with all eyes on me.
Judgments formed.
No one knows me:
The me that I keep
from the world.
Take your judgments
And put them on hold
See me, and reform them
if you dare.
I'm putting me out there,
all of me.
Holding my head high
Letting everyone see
 the real me
Some may hate me and
Some may not,
Here I am
     in the glory I am given.
Now the world can see
 all of me,
Make your judgments

     because I hid nothing from you.

Forgetting

I forgot the direction I was headed
     when I met you.
I forgot the pains of life and love;
     lost in every embrace you gave.
I forgot the darkness scares me
     because you brought me light.
I forgot that death comes quickly;
    you made me love life so much.
Now you're gone,
     it all comes rushing back.
The things forgotten when I had you
     have flooded my memory.
I forgot how lonely life can be,
    now you've left me here.
I forgot how life goes on
    and leaves me far behind.
I forgot how to unbreak my heart
    now that my heart is broken.
I forgot to keep on living
    continuing on through the pain
Now that you've gone,
    I forgot so many new things
But most important of all these things
I have forgotten
     to forget you.

Being Too Sensitive in Dried Up Pastures

It's funny how you look at your current situations and think that somehow if you make this change or that change, life will be different and somehow better. However, as you make the necessary changes, life picks you up, chews on you until you cry and then spits you out. So what happened? Why did the necessary changes, or the changes you thought were necessary, hurt you more than help you?

Once again, the grass is greener complex has you in its clutches and, once again, you are left with dried grass instead of the promised greener pastures. Once again, a wildfire is set at your feet to scorch the land you thought was going to be better for you.

This is the malady of my life: the Grass-is-Greener complex. I recently made a schedule change at work because I thought it would give my roommate/co-worker and I stuff to talk about again. I felt like an old, married couple who can sit in the same room for hours and barely say a few words to each other. Silence and no conversation are not what I want from my friendship, so I decided that spending too much time together was detrimental and damaging to our friendship. I told my boss I wanted to go to a different shift in hopes that my roommate and I would be able to talk again. I'm not ready to be an old, married couple with the comfortable silence between us.

I am on the fifth day of working an afternoon shift and have already found myself in the bathroom crying for a stupid reason. The nurse confronted me about putting the patient's food, that would otherwise be discarded, in the employee fridge. I knew being confronted about this was bound to happen, but I didn't think it would happen so soon.

I know the politics of the hospital and I know mistakes are always the only things noticed and the positive things you do are mentioned in an email, almost as an afterthought. The higher-ups find fault in everything and  rarely let mistakes fall by the wayside. Yes, I did what my nurse was asking me about, but throwing things away seems wasteful and unnecessary, but this is what the higher-ups want. They want us to be wasteful and throw away the excess rather than think up a solution to do away with this wasteful and spend-y behavior.

This confrontation, because I am not used to it, was enough to send me reeling. My mind and emotions are so extremely sensitive that, unfortunately, confrontations and stupidity bring to tears. I hate that I am so sensitive. In the past when these moments of tears would arrive and I found myself, like the drama queen I am, throwing myself on my bed and crying, my mom would tell me to stop being so sensitive. I wish there was an on-off switch that would turn off how sensitive I am, but unfortunately, I am not built thus. Maybe it is the gay man or the little boy in me, but there is some part of me that can't help but be sensitive and cry every once in a while. Though, if anyone knows the on-off switch for my sensitivity, please let me know.

For now, however, with the new schedule and the dried grass at my feet, not the green grass, I suppose a cry in the bathroom will have to be my solution for now because suggestions and conversations go nowhere, ending in brick walls and dead ends. For now, I will water the dead grass that is before me and make it green. Namaste.

A Testimony of My Truths

I haven't been to church in a while, but as far as I remember, the first Sunday of the month in the LDS church is Testimony Meeting. I know I am almost a week late in sharing this, but c'est la vie. I haven't shared my testimony in so long because, at times, I spent my time living off the faith and testimony of my parents. I knew my parents couldn't be wrong and their truth had to be the truth for me too.

Since I haven't shared any form of a testimony for a while, I have decided to add my own testimony to the eternal ether of belief and faith. I will preface my testimony, however, by saying that this is my truth. This is the truth that allows me to breathe, find joy, seek the Maker of the Universe in myself, everything, and everyone around me. My truth may not be yours, but I find strength and joy in my truth. Having prefaced my testimony, I entrust my words to the eternal ether.

I would like to bear witness to truths that I have come to know. Among those truths is a belief in a Higher Power and a Great Architect. Some religions call that power Allah, God, The Great I Am, Elohim, or Yahweh. Some even call that power science. I don't differentiate between the various names given to signify the Great Creator. There is a Higher Power that gives energy to the evolution and being of all that surrounds us and to connect everything and everyone. I call that Higher Power God, though you may choose to call that Higher Power by another name.

With my belief in God, I know that there is something after this life. The next life will be a relief from the perils and pains that assail my body on a daily basis. This current life seems more the Hell than the one promised to sinners in the Bible. Also, my belief in a merciful Higher Power allows me to believe that whatever comes next is going to be a paradise in comparison to the current state of things. Though the current state of things can be full of beauty all around, paradise or nirvana awaits.

I believe in the strength of humanity over its weakness and failures. I believe we are a great people who are blessed with love, family, and friends. We are blessed with the capacity to show mercy, compassion, and empathy for others in their times of need. I believe that although we suffer, that suffering allows us to be more sympathetic, compassionate, and loving. Suffering allows us to live and not just wallow in our miseries. I believe we all have great capacities waiting to blossom that we often allow to stay dormant.

Finally, I believe in me. I don't often know who I am or where I am going, but I know that I am on the correct path. I know that I have fallen over and over, but I have still risen to try again. I know I have a capacity to be someone more than I am. I know that if I continue believing in myself, believing in humanity, and believing in God, that I will continue to feel joy and I will continue to be. I am what I am. I am continually taking steps in the present moment, not looking forward and not looking behind. I am and I could not ask for more.

I bear witness to these things as my truths. I submit them to the eternal ether and I implore you to find your truths, place them in the eternal ether, and let them lift and enlighten others. Namaste.

Is It Me?

Is it me? This self-defeating question comes to me often. The question "Is it me?" or its alternative, "Is there something wrong with me?" ends up being asked as the result of a friend pushing me away, always getting turned down, being told I am too heavy, being told, "You're just not my type." These things, along with the myriad of other outside stimuli that assault me, force me to ask, "Is there something wrong with me?"

I know that there is nothing wrong with who I am or what I look like, but the constant barrage of negativity and rejection that flows over me forces me to negatively look inward to find fault in the material that I am made of. Looking negatively inward for fault and error in the temple construction that is my body is erroneous. It is a mistake to look at a perfect body and look for mistakes in the make-up because we each are grand edifices that have formed over the years.

Acknowledging error in finding fault in myself is easy to say and think about, but the question is how do you look away from the negativity and rejection and not look for what is wrong with you? How do you not look for fault in the foundations that make you who you are? I look in the mirror and see the physical things that seem unappealing and think to myself, "If only I could be thirty pounds thinner, I would be looked at and noticed more." But is it true? Does a change in my weight make me a different person? How do I become content with the temple that I am and not seek modification to change me and make me shine more?

In a world where superficial and trivial things matter more than the person you truly are, how does one become content with the temple body one has been given? I am not sure I have the answer to many of the questions I have posed because I still struggle with appreciating the masterpiece that is me. I look in the mirror and see an overweight person with glasses and see those physical traits as flaws. I see myself as flawed because I am not the GQ model in the magazines. I see the cowlick in my beard and notice yet another physical flaw. My teeth are mother-of-pearl in color and not brilliant white. I examine myself and notice only flaws, especially when moments of rejection force me to ask, "Is it me?" The list of flaws grows and the self-defeating questions and lists roll off my tongue naturally.

I think, however, I have found a small remedy to self-defeatist thinking in regard to self-image. It sounds stupid, but I think if I try it, the self-moralizing thoughts and observations will become just as natural to me as the self-defeating ones. My idea is that for every negative observation that I note, I have to come up with two positive and moralizing observations about myself. Because I have spent years listing everything that is wrong with me, thinking of the positive things will seem stupid and will be difficult to do at firs. Thinking positively about myself will seem abnormal because it goes against what I have been doing and saying to myself for years. But at some point, thinking positively about myself will become natural although it seemed forced at first.

As I begin to see what about me is good and positive the question of "Is it me?" or "Is there something wrong with me?" will soon become background noise and unimportant. I will notice what is good in me. My temple body will not be flawed and marred, but it will shine and be noticed.

With every effort to see the positive in everything we are, we start to be proud of who we are. We become powerful beings. We become masters of our own minds and shapers of ourselves. And that is a gift and a blessing.