Is it weird that I do not fear Death? I have considered this oddity many times and find it different or abnormal from the beliefs of family, friends, and strangers. I haven't known what to think, but as I consider what is to come, I think, "What need is there to fear or dread?"
My sweet Grammy passed on last June. However, before she passed on, my mom, my mom's sister--Aunt Phyllis--, and I had a night of watching my Grammy suffer in pain. We held her hand as she laid in her medical bed Mom and Dad had set up upstairs. We told her we loved her. I was blessed to try to comfort her by singing. She always loved to hear my voice and this was my pleasure to sing to her; the tears, however, made it hard to get the words out.
As we gathered around her, I struggled to see her suffering, so I leaned in to her and, holding her hand, said, "Grammy-love, you don't need to suffer. We have had you long enough. It's time for Pappy to have you back. Stop fighting on this side. Let go." One of the sweetest ladies I know, looked at me and, through the pain, managed to say, "I love you."
For most of that night, the week previous, and the day she died, she continually said, "I love you." She couldn't go without it being understood that she loved us. The very next day, after we sat with her and I told her to stop fighting, the beautiful woman who I was blessed to call my Grammy passed on.
The night that I said what I did, after we were able to get Grammy to sleep, my mom asked me how I was able to say the things I said to Grammy. I told her that there was nothing to fear in Death. I said that if we truly believe in a just and merciful God, we have nothing to fear in Death. She still didn't understand how I said what I did and, sometimes, I wonder how I said the things I said.
The Truth is that I truly believe in a just and merciful God. I know that God will judge me on my heart not just my deeds. And I know that death is not final; Death is the beginning of the next journey. Death will inevitably come, so why fear death when I can celebrate life.
I used to often contemplate death. In fact, at one point in my life, I tried to take that life because I felt so alone. I often considered death to be the only solution that I had available to me because like was handing me so many cards; I didn't know how to play with the ones I was dealt. A common thought that ran through my mind was, "If I'm going to go to Hell for killing myself and I'm going to go to Hell for being gay, I might as well get it over with." It is sad to repeat those thoughts, but I think it is necessary to say because I want people to understand that what is being taught and being said to others, can make life a very difficult thing to continue living.
Because of what I was taught in church, I saw myself as an abomination and a mistake. Thanks to Leviticus and Romans, in the Bible, I thought that God hated me, that he made a mistake in me, and that I was going to burn in Hell. Because I was in so much emotional turmoil, I knew that I needed to kill myself and start suffering early because I felt that God was going to me punish me anyway.
The thought that I considered death daily is very sad and disheartening. I know that there is so much to live for, but at the time, I was stuck in an up and down cycle of despair with brief reprieves of happiness. Now that I've found the solution for me and the strength within, part of which I think comes from the energy and love my Grammy gives me everyday, I am not haunted by the constant preoccupation with death and I know that I am not a mistake; the god I believe in loves me.
This preoccupation with death, in my past, has given me a lack of fear of the end of life. My acquaintance and fraternization with death has allowed me to see the joys inherent in life and has allowed me to see that, though death is but a journey, I don't need to fear its advent. I know that whatever is next, whether paradise or reincarnation, I know that my energy, my soul, will seek out and find my loved ones again and peace will find me. God, or whatever derivation of His title you decide to use, will judge with mercy and with love. And that is an encouraging thought. Namaste.
My sweet Grammy passed on last June. However, before she passed on, my mom, my mom's sister--Aunt Phyllis--, and I had a night of watching my Grammy suffer in pain. We held her hand as she laid in her medical bed Mom and Dad had set up upstairs. We told her we loved her. I was blessed to try to comfort her by singing. She always loved to hear my voice and this was my pleasure to sing to her; the tears, however, made it hard to get the words out.
As we gathered around her, I struggled to see her suffering, so I leaned in to her and, holding her hand, said, "Grammy-love, you don't need to suffer. We have had you long enough. It's time for Pappy to have you back. Stop fighting on this side. Let go." One of the sweetest ladies I know, looked at me and, through the pain, managed to say, "I love you."
For most of that night, the week previous, and the day she died, she continually said, "I love you." She couldn't go without it being understood that she loved us. The very next day, after we sat with her and I told her to stop fighting, the beautiful woman who I was blessed to call my Grammy passed on.
The night that I said what I did, after we were able to get Grammy to sleep, my mom asked me how I was able to say the things I said to Grammy. I told her that there was nothing to fear in Death. I said that if we truly believe in a just and merciful God, we have nothing to fear in Death. She still didn't understand how I said what I did and, sometimes, I wonder how I said the things I said.
The Truth is that I truly believe in a just and merciful God. I know that God will judge me on my heart not just my deeds. And I know that death is not final; Death is the beginning of the next journey. Death will inevitably come, so why fear death when I can celebrate life.
I used to often contemplate death. In fact, at one point in my life, I tried to take that life because I felt so alone. I often considered death to be the only solution that I had available to me because like was handing me so many cards; I didn't know how to play with the ones I was dealt. A common thought that ran through my mind was, "If I'm going to go to Hell for killing myself and I'm going to go to Hell for being gay, I might as well get it over with." It is sad to repeat those thoughts, but I think it is necessary to say because I want people to understand that what is being taught and being said to others, can make life a very difficult thing to continue living.
Because of what I was taught in church, I saw myself as an abomination and a mistake. Thanks to Leviticus and Romans, in the Bible, I thought that God hated me, that he made a mistake in me, and that I was going to burn in Hell. Because I was in so much emotional turmoil, I knew that I needed to kill myself and start suffering early because I felt that God was going to me punish me anyway.
The thought that I considered death daily is very sad and disheartening. I know that there is so much to live for, but at the time, I was stuck in an up and down cycle of despair with brief reprieves of happiness. Now that I've found the solution for me and the strength within, part of which I think comes from the energy and love my Grammy gives me everyday, I am not haunted by the constant preoccupation with death and I know that I am not a mistake; the god I believe in loves me.
This preoccupation with death, in my past, has given me a lack of fear of the end of life. My acquaintance and fraternization with death has allowed me to see the joys inherent in life and has allowed me to see that, though death is but a journey, I don't need to fear its advent. I know that whatever is next, whether paradise or reincarnation, I know that my energy, my soul, will seek out and find my loved ones again and peace will find me. God, or whatever derivation of His title you decide to use, will judge with mercy and with love. And that is an encouraging thought. Namaste.
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