Being happy with being single is not as easy a feat as I first anticipated. Being single, at times, often leaves you as the third or fifth wheel. In a world where everywhere you look people seem to be pairing off, being part of the unpaired can make you feel like the abnormal or odd one out. Also, being happy for your friends who have found their mate becomes another feat in and of itself. At some point, you start to feel like Hercules when he was going through his trials. Okay, not quite Herculean, but close.
Friday night, I stopped in at Target to get some Cliff bars and some body wash. That was all I intended to purchase, but I had an urge to buy some boat shoes. I walked toward the shoe department and ran into an old crush of mine. Yes, crush. It sounds like I'm a schoolgirl, but that's what Blake was; he was a crush.
Years ago, back before Blake was even out of the closet and back when my gaydar was actually functional, I worked at a small convenience store. (I refuse to say what store because some things are best forgotten--for now.) Blake used to work for one of the local dealerships and would drive these beautiful Audi's from the dealership to get fueled up. If I didn't know better, and had better timing, I would say that it was love at first sight. He was a 5'10" bleach blonde beauty that belonged on magazine covers, not working for minimum wage. I would flirt with him every time he came in and would try to work up the nerve to ask him out. But my timing and nerves never worked well with one another. I did manage, once, to give him my number and tell him that we should "hang out." I know. How pathetic!
Soon, he had a different job and so did I. My, once thought of, love was gone and we moved on. Every once in a while, we would text or message on Facebook or IM on Yahoo! messenger. Our paths very rarely passed until Friday night at Target. And once again, time and fate were against me.
"This is my boyfriend, Nick," Blake told me as he introduced the blonde standing next to him. Somehow I knew when I saw them together, but there was again that hope that something would happen and the star-crossed lovers would finally be together. (Hey, I'm a romantic at heart. What can I say?) My unrequited love would finally be requited and this single man could change his Facebook status, eventually, to "In a Relationship." Silly, I know.
I saw myself playing the jealous creature, in my head, and ripping at Nick's hair and screaming, "He's mine." These are the joys of living in my head. Sometimes my mind plays events like a soap opera, while the real me holds out his hand and says, "It's nice to meet you Nick." After Blake and I briefly talked about our lives and "What's new" with them, we said, "It was good to see you." When in reality, it was great to see him even though he had a boyfriend in tow with him.
All the time I was talking to Blake and in spite of my awareness of Nick's presence next to Blake, I had a smile plastered on my face. I was, in fact genuinely happy to see Blake. I wasn't as happy to know that his Facebook status was "In a Relationship with Nick So-and-so." For that, I was able to fake it and be happy that he is happy; I'm just not so happy that his happiness is with Nick instead of with me.
Once again, being content with being happy for one of my friends being "In a Relationship" was and is not an easy feat to accomplish. Forcing myself to stop saying "What's wrong with me?" and "Why am I not 'In a Relationship?'" is not an easy thing to do. It does indeed become a Herculean feat to stop questioning my singleness and simply be happy with where I am right now and the solitude of being single.
Being single in a world of pairs is not easy, but I've come to realize that unless I've found the one I'm meant to pair with, simply settling for a crooked or unfit piece is not the solution to solitude. Being content with me is important and if and when my pair comes, I will be ready for that too. So, I will continue with my Herculean feat, be happy with being with me and be happy for the ones that have found their One. Namaste.
Friday night, I stopped in at Target to get some Cliff bars and some body wash. That was all I intended to purchase, but I had an urge to buy some boat shoes. I walked toward the shoe department and ran into an old crush of mine. Yes, crush. It sounds like I'm a schoolgirl, but that's what Blake was; he was a crush.
Years ago, back before Blake was even out of the closet and back when my gaydar was actually functional, I worked at a small convenience store. (I refuse to say what store because some things are best forgotten--for now.) Blake used to work for one of the local dealerships and would drive these beautiful Audi's from the dealership to get fueled up. If I didn't know better, and had better timing, I would say that it was love at first sight. He was a 5'10" bleach blonde beauty that belonged on magazine covers, not working for minimum wage. I would flirt with him every time he came in and would try to work up the nerve to ask him out. But my timing and nerves never worked well with one another. I did manage, once, to give him my number and tell him that we should "hang out." I know. How pathetic!
Soon, he had a different job and so did I. My, once thought of, love was gone and we moved on. Every once in a while, we would text or message on Facebook or IM on Yahoo! messenger. Our paths very rarely passed until Friday night at Target. And once again, time and fate were against me.
"This is my boyfriend, Nick," Blake told me as he introduced the blonde standing next to him. Somehow I knew when I saw them together, but there was again that hope that something would happen and the star-crossed lovers would finally be together. (Hey, I'm a romantic at heart. What can I say?) My unrequited love would finally be requited and this single man could change his Facebook status, eventually, to "In a Relationship." Silly, I know.
I saw myself playing the jealous creature, in my head, and ripping at Nick's hair and screaming, "He's mine." These are the joys of living in my head. Sometimes my mind plays events like a soap opera, while the real me holds out his hand and says, "It's nice to meet you Nick." After Blake and I briefly talked about our lives and "What's new" with them, we said, "It was good to see you." When in reality, it was great to see him even though he had a boyfriend in tow with him.
All the time I was talking to Blake and in spite of my awareness of Nick's presence next to Blake, I had a smile plastered on my face. I was, in fact genuinely happy to see Blake. I wasn't as happy to know that his Facebook status was "In a Relationship with Nick So-and-so." For that, I was able to fake it and be happy that he is happy; I'm just not so happy that his happiness is with Nick instead of with me.
Once again, being content with being happy for one of my friends being "In a Relationship" was and is not an easy feat to accomplish. Forcing myself to stop saying "What's wrong with me?" and "Why am I not 'In a Relationship?'" is not an easy thing to do. It does indeed become a Herculean feat to stop questioning my singleness and simply be happy with where I am right now and the solitude of being single.
Being single in a world of pairs is not easy, but I've come to realize that unless I've found the one I'm meant to pair with, simply settling for a crooked or unfit piece is not the solution to solitude. Being content with me is important and if and when my pair comes, I will be ready for that too. So, I will continue with my Herculean feat, be happy with being with me and be happy for the ones that have found their One. Namaste.
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