Hope Sucks....Sometimes

In the poetry of Emily Dickinson, she describes hope as something necessary for life. She writes, "Hope is the thing with feathers-/That perches in the soul-/That sings the tune without the words-/And never stops-at all-/And sweetest in the Gale- is heard-/And sore must be the storm-/That could abash the little Bird/That kept so many warm-..." Hope, to Dickinson, is strong and powerful. It can't be held back or kept down. Hope is what keeps people going and keeps them "warm."

While I agree to an extent with Dickinson, there are certain aspects or moments in life when we are let down, and the results we were hoping for are not met; we blame hope and fate for letting us down. For instance, at work, my unit is in charge of the building security and on my shift we split up the shift into four hour blocks when some lucky person gets to escape the unit and go up. On graveyard shift, those four hour blocks are desired by everyone. Normally, we have assigned days and assigned blocks, but when someone calls off, everyone that wants to go up picks a number between one and one hundred. I have never had the best luck in the raffle or guessing games. I don't know if it's karmic or what, but it has never been good.

Tonight, both blocks for Central Control were available and everyone, like usual, wanted to go. So, we guessed numbers. I reminded myself of my usual misfortune and told myself not to get my hopes up, but a sliver of hope crept in and, as the winners were announced, my name was not one of the winners. And my hopes were dashed against the rocks. My night was ruined because that tiny sliver of hope allowed me to think my luck would change. So, I moped around the unit for the first two hours, trying but failing to be contented with the results. Hope in this instance was a destructive force not a "little Bird."

That night's lottery is not the only time when daring to hope sends my spirits crashing. Dating or the dating game is the time when hope is always destructive because I get ahead of myself. I dare to envision something beyond that moment with that person. I envision a two car garage, his and his towels, children, and a successful life. I allow hope to send me reeling in the storm and when I never hear from that person again or the excuses roll off their tongues, the destructive "Gale" of hope destroys me and pummels me with its storm.

In William J. Mann's Men Who Love Men, Mann describes the opposing view to Dickinson's "Little Bird." Mann writes, "The worst thing about dating isn't getting rejected. It's allowing yourself to hope. Hope is the absolutely worst thing you can do when you're dating. Oh, I know hope is supposed to be this great sustaining human emotion. Everybody always says, "Don't lose hope." Fuck that. Hope sucks. It's because of hope that the disappointment is always so great" (152). Hope may be sustaining to some people, but there are times when "Hope sucks." Hope is the last thing you want your mind to be allowed to do because when the disappointment sets in, the destructive force known as hope leaves a wreckage in your heart and mind that can be worse damage than an actual catastrophe.

Hope may be "the thing with feathers-/that perches on the soul-," but afterward its talons rip you to shreds when the disappointment comes. Hope will hurt when it fails to make your fate the one you dreamed of in your hope-filled daydreams.

I am not suggesting that you never hope. That would be ridiculous of me. What I am saying, however, is to be aware of the weapon you are wielding. Be aware that sometimes, as in my work situation the other night and the dating games of life, the destruction caused by hope can be great and very disheartening. Wield your weapon of hope well. Know its powers well and know when to us them. Like any weapon, know its destructive beauty and use it well.