Tonight, I want to acknowledge a mistake in my past. I don't do it because I seek forgiveness for my offense. I don't do it to show growth or to seek any public acceptance or acknowledgement. I do it out of necessity for me. I recently came to the knowledge of my mistake, my sin, my error and I want to acknowledge it and apologize.
When I was at Helper Junior High School, I was bullied verbally and psychologically. I know I have already talked about this in previous writings and my own bullying, obviously, is not the mistake I made. However, as a result of my own bullying, I, in turn, became a bully. To take away from my own pain, I joined in the verbal cruelty and assault of a classmate. This is my sin; I became the bully.
I don't remember her name, but I remember the circumstance. Whenever we walked passed her in class we would talk about how she stunk. We would talk about how, when she walked, she would drop feces down her pant leg. We would grimace and sneer and then plug our noses. My classmates and I would do everything we could to belittle her.
I always felt guilty for joining in with my classmates in making fun of her, but if I joined in, my classmates wouldn't focus their attentions on me. It was a survival of the fittest in the Schoolyard Kingdom. If I wanted the attention diverted from me and if I no longer wanted to be called fag, queer, or fudge packer, the rules dictated that I follow suite in making fun of someone else less fortunate than the rest of the class. She was less fortunate than everyone and therefore won the ridicule of everyone else.
She had poorly washed and poorly manufactured clothes. Due to what reasons, I could only guess. However, her standing as a lower class student on the lowest rungs of the totem pole were established, not because of who she was as a person, but how she appeared on the outside to everyone else. The pages of her book may have been filled with beauty and a kind heart, but superficiality rules in the Schoolyard Kingdom; her book was judged by its cover. And everyone treated her like a secondhand paperback.
My sin was committed daily for two years. I can't say enough "Hail Mary's" to wash away the dirty hands of mine that committed my sins; my mouth cannot be cleansed with soap enough for the cruelties it spoke to the young woman who received judgment for how she looked rather than who she was. I cannot apologize enough for any pain I could have caused her, but if I could, I would try to do penance to her.
So, tonight, I acknowledge my mistakes, errors, and sins committed in the Schoolyard Kingdom. To the girl that received so much cruelty that I played any part in, I am sorry. I seek no forgiveness because I don't think it is merited. But I want to acknowledge my sin and pray that I never repeat it again.
Bullying is such a cyclical malady that has infected the Schoolyard Kingdom. Kids that are bullied at home come to school to be the bully. The kids bullied at school join in the bullying of someone else to alleviate the severity of their own bullying and so on and on and on. The disease is so infectious and can only be cured when the bullied refuse to bully someone else; when the bullied refuse to continue the cycle, the cycle is broken for a moment. Though this is a lot to ask from the members of court in the Schoolyard Kingdom.
As an adult, I am able to look back because I am free from the reign of the kings and queens in the Kingdom. I am able to see my sins and acknowledge them. I am able to see and accept my accountability and refuse to continue the cycle today.
In William J. Mann's Where the Boys Are, in regards to accountability, he writes, "The first step to enlightenment is recognizing our own accountability" (408). Perhaps, in seeing passed my past and acknowledge the part I played in the Schoolyard Kingdom, I take a step towards enlightenment. But I think there are many other steps to take. One at a time. Namaste.
When I was at Helper Junior High School, I was bullied verbally and psychologically. I know I have already talked about this in previous writings and my own bullying, obviously, is not the mistake I made. However, as a result of my own bullying, I, in turn, became a bully. To take away from my own pain, I joined in the verbal cruelty and assault of a classmate. This is my sin; I became the bully.
I don't remember her name, but I remember the circumstance. Whenever we walked passed her in class we would talk about how she stunk. We would talk about how, when she walked, she would drop feces down her pant leg. We would grimace and sneer and then plug our noses. My classmates and I would do everything we could to belittle her.
I always felt guilty for joining in with my classmates in making fun of her, but if I joined in, my classmates wouldn't focus their attentions on me. It was a survival of the fittest in the Schoolyard Kingdom. If I wanted the attention diverted from me and if I no longer wanted to be called fag, queer, or fudge packer, the rules dictated that I follow suite in making fun of someone else less fortunate than the rest of the class. She was less fortunate than everyone and therefore won the ridicule of everyone else.
She had poorly washed and poorly manufactured clothes. Due to what reasons, I could only guess. However, her standing as a lower class student on the lowest rungs of the totem pole were established, not because of who she was as a person, but how she appeared on the outside to everyone else. The pages of her book may have been filled with beauty and a kind heart, but superficiality rules in the Schoolyard Kingdom; her book was judged by its cover. And everyone treated her like a secondhand paperback.
My sin was committed daily for two years. I can't say enough "Hail Mary's" to wash away the dirty hands of mine that committed my sins; my mouth cannot be cleansed with soap enough for the cruelties it spoke to the young woman who received judgment for how she looked rather than who she was. I cannot apologize enough for any pain I could have caused her, but if I could, I would try to do penance to her.
So, tonight, I acknowledge my mistakes, errors, and sins committed in the Schoolyard Kingdom. To the girl that received so much cruelty that I played any part in, I am sorry. I seek no forgiveness because I don't think it is merited. But I want to acknowledge my sin and pray that I never repeat it again.
Bullying is such a cyclical malady that has infected the Schoolyard Kingdom. Kids that are bullied at home come to school to be the bully. The kids bullied at school join in the bullying of someone else to alleviate the severity of their own bullying and so on and on and on. The disease is so infectious and can only be cured when the bullied refuse to bully someone else; when the bullied refuse to continue the cycle, the cycle is broken for a moment. Though this is a lot to ask from the members of court in the Schoolyard Kingdom.
As an adult, I am able to look back because I am free from the reign of the kings and queens in the Kingdom. I am able to see my sins and acknowledge them. I am able to see and accept my accountability and refuse to continue the cycle today.
In William J. Mann's Where the Boys Are, in regards to accountability, he writes, "The first step to enlightenment is recognizing our own accountability" (408). Perhaps, in seeing passed my past and acknowledge the part I played in the Schoolyard Kingdom, I take a step towards enlightenment. But I think there are many other steps to take. One at a time. Namaste.
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