Have you ever been reading a book and, at some point in the book, you felt like it was speaking to you; you were meant to read those words or they were written just for you? I have read many books where one passage in the book spoke to me, but I have found one book that throughout the book I found myself connecting with the protagonist.
In William J. Mann's novel Men Who Love Men, the whole book felt like it was a view into an alternate universe of my life. The main character Henry is a thirty-three year old gay man who is lonely and trying to find his Mr. Right. I felt like Henry's life was mine with some obvious differences such as where he lives, where he works, and him being raised Jewish. It felt like it was a glimpse into my world and left me thinking about a lot of things. I was left with the desire to see myself better than I have been seeing myself in the past.
In the novel, when Henry is receiving his epiphanies about life and his place in everything, I felt like I was right on the edge of the same epiphanies in my own life. During one such epiphany in the book, Mann writes (and I substituted my name for the main character's), "I thought [Micah Campbell] wasn't good enough, or interesting enough, or sexy enough...there was always this belief way down deep that [Micah] just didn't cut it. [Micah] just was not good enough" (282). When I looked in the mirror or though of myself in any way, I saw myself as a failure and not worth the stardust I was created from. I felt that until I changed everything about myself, every flaw or blemish, I would never find Mr. Right and my mother's prophecy, early on when I came out to my parents, would come true; I would live a lonely, dark, sad life. So, I saw every flaw as a curse and did my damnedest to change them. I wanted to be noticed; I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be more than "the Campbell kid" or "David's son." However, I realize that as I only see what is negative in me, I only keep my guards up covering the rest of me that is *good and beautiful and true. I am what I am and Mr. Right will see all that is good and beautiful and true and take me, loving me for me.
As I continued to ponder upon the negative ways I was seeing myself, I came upon another paragraph that spoke the words I needed to hear. Mann writes, "[Micah Campbell] is [thirty-one] years old. Mr. Right is just going to have to deal with it...Why is it I always see in this mirror someone old, out of shape, and unappealing? Why is it I never see a good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy? He hasn't been hiding. He's been right there all along" (287). Like Henry, I can look in the mirror and see all the negative and unattractive things about myself that keep Mr. Right from seeing me. When, in reality, it has been me who hasn't seen me. And that is what is unappealing. I may have many flaws, all of which I could try to fill a spreadsheet with, but who cares because I have just as many good qualities, all of which could fill another spreadsheet, that make me "good-looking" and an "upstanding, decent guy" whom Mr. Right will love inside and out when I finally meet him.
I am still learning to love myself and be happy with being single; this is an epic quest. I made a great stride this year by not mourning on Valentine's Day because I was single, but accepting all the love that I do have in my life and celebrating that love. And I may be getting older, and some see that as bad; however, with each new passing day, I find wisdom in life in every new moment.
As I take from each moment the lessons that I need to learn, I discover the vital things in my past that have made me the man I am. In Men Who Love Men, Henry says, "...my childhood, and my family, and my hometown remain vital parts of who I am:...A soft-hearted romantic who fell in love too many times in his life. A guy who's sometimes been selfish and sometimes been naive. But for all that, [Micah Campbell] isn't so bad" (288). No, he's not so bad at all. So, I will continue to see the "good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy" who looks back at me in the mirror everyday and remind myself that I am not so bad and Mr. Right will see that too.
*In Thich Nhat Hanh's Buddhist philosophy, he mentions that in each of us we have the good, the beautiful and the true and that we only need to see that in ourselves so that we can nurture those seeds within us.
In William J. Mann's novel Men Who Love Men, the whole book felt like it was a view into an alternate universe of my life. The main character Henry is a thirty-three year old gay man who is lonely and trying to find his Mr. Right. I felt like Henry's life was mine with some obvious differences such as where he lives, where he works, and him being raised Jewish. It felt like it was a glimpse into my world and left me thinking about a lot of things. I was left with the desire to see myself better than I have been seeing myself in the past.
In the novel, when Henry is receiving his epiphanies about life and his place in everything, I felt like I was right on the edge of the same epiphanies in my own life. During one such epiphany in the book, Mann writes (and I substituted my name for the main character's), "I thought [Micah Campbell] wasn't good enough, or interesting enough, or sexy enough...there was always this belief way down deep that [Micah] just didn't cut it. [Micah] just was not good enough" (282). When I looked in the mirror or though of myself in any way, I saw myself as a failure and not worth the stardust I was created from. I felt that until I changed everything about myself, every flaw or blemish, I would never find Mr. Right and my mother's prophecy, early on when I came out to my parents, would come true; I would live a lonely, dark, sad life. So, I saw every flaw as a curse and did my damnedest to change them. I wanted to be noticed; I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be more than "the Campbell kid" or "David's son." However, I realize that as I only see what is negative in me, I only keep my guards up covering the rest of me that is *good and beautiful and true. I am what I am and Mr. Right will see all that is good and beautiful and true and take me, loving me for me.
As I continued to ponder upon the negative ways I was seeing myself, I came upon another paragraph that spoke the words I needed to hear. Mann writes, "[Micah Campbell] is [thirty-one] years old. Mr. Right is just going to have to deal with it...Why is it I always see in this mirror someone old, out of shape, and unappealing? Why is it I never see a good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy? He hasn't been hiding. He's been right there all along" (287). Like Henry, I can look in the mirror and see all the negative and unattractive things about myself that keep Mr. Right from seeing me. When, in reality, it has been me who hasn't seen me. And that is what is unappealing. I may have many flaws, all of which I could try to fill a spreadsheet with, but who cares because I have just as many good qualities, all of which could fill another spreadsheet, that make me "good-looking" and an "upstanding, decent guy" whom Mr. Right will love inside and out when I finally meet him.
I am still learning to love myself and be happy with being single; this is an epic quest. I made a great stride this year by not mourning on Valentine's Day because I was single, but accepting all the love that I do have in my life and celebrating that love. And I may be getting older, and some see that as bad; however, with each new passing day, I find wisdom in life in every new moment.
As I take from each moment the lessons that I need to learn, I discover the vital things in my past that have made me the man I am. In Men Who Love Men, Henry says, "...my childhood, and my family, and my hometown remain vital parts of who I am:...A soft-hearted romantic who fell in love too many times in his life. A guy who's sometimes been selfish and sometimes been naive. But for all that, [Micah Campbell] isn't so bad" (288). No, he's not so bad at all. So, I will continue to see the "good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy" who looks back at me in the mirror everyday and remind myself that I am not so bad and Mr. Right will see that too.
*In Thich Nhat Hanh's Buddhist philosophy, he mentions that in each of us we have the good, the beautiful and the true and that we only need to see that in ourselves so that we can nurture those seeds within us.
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