What has changed in me? I was told by a friend the other night that I have changed and that I am more centered. But what has changed in me to have someone notice it through simple conversation? What has happened to the once dark thinker? I used to bathe myself in darkness, fear, distrust, disgust, hatred, pain and everything that crawled out of the abyss.
At one point in my adolescence, I dubbed my journey through life a free fall in the abyss and it was an eternal fall. The darkness would seem so close. I thought it would remain my constant companion. I felt its caress and we made love. Our exploits together produced an offspring of depression and self-loathing. The darkness and I used to dance together in the pitch black of grief and hatred. The darkness has been with me for so long; divorcing myself from his icy embrace seemed impossible and asinine. We lived together in the depths of a deep despair that felt like home. Together we mastered our hope for a moment in the the light. We became at one with the gloom. I was the darkness and he was me. How do you run from what you've known for so long and what you found a place in?
I grew to think that the darkness was made for me and that it was my curse. At one point, I had been searching for a release from my darkness. I searched through my Mormon beliefs in God and salvation through Christ. I sought release from the darkness by trying to serve God in the Tokyo North mission, but the darkness still embraced me and refused to let me go. So, I embraced him back and surrendered to the abyss. And no matter what friends and family said to the contrary of my courtship with the darkness and my importance to them, I still saw my life within the hands of my lover.
So, what changed in me to actively seek a divorce from the dark and a separation from depression and self-loathing? I wish I could say that it was a blinding revelation from God, the very God I had cursed because He seemed unconcerned with my struggles. I also wish I could tell you 100 percent that I know the reason I am daily changing and actively seeking the stop of the free fall and the descent into the abyss. The one thing I am aware of that has changed is my awareness of the here and now.
I found that the dark would embrace me when I focused on the past: my failures, my sufferings, my pain, and my life that once was. These memories and dwelling on them only brought them to the surface and allowed me to soak in them for hours, days, weeks, and even months. I would allow things that cannot control me years after they happened and passed into a memory, made permanent on a neuron, to control how I thought and felt. The past became a reason for me to insist on my continual residence in the abyss with my lover, the darkness.
Also, always looking forward into the unspeakable, unknowable future allowed my fixation on despair and pain to keep me wallowing in the abyssal free fall. I would look at the future and feel that I don't deserve happiness and joy. The future and its eternal presence in the nonexistent kept the darkness whispering sweet, painful nothings in my ear.
However, as I look at the Eternal Now, I know that the past is no more and the future doesn't exist. I find the necessity to plant my feet firmly in the now and divorce myself from my constant companion. Depression and despair have transformed into beautiful butterflies of hope and laughter. Forgiveness, mercy, and compassion walk with me in the Eternal Now because I can walk with them. Forgiveness, mercy, and compassion blossom and bloom as I feed them daily.
So, what has changed? I suppose the only truthful and honest answer I can give is that I have changed. My desires have changed. What I know I can control has changed; well, not changed, but I realize the things of which I'm capable. And my once loving companion, the darkness, is seen in his true light as a scab that I allowed to grow and fester. Now, I am using salve of the here and now and the bandages of compassion, mercy, forgiveness, hope, laughter and love to heal me. The darkness is scarring, and every once in a while he seeks to make me his lover again. I refuse him and I say, "Dwelling in the present moment, I realize this is a wonderful moment. Present moment. Happy moment," and I continue on with a smile on my face and a feeling of peace in my heart. Namaste.
At one point in my adolescence, I dubbed my journey through life a free fall in the abyss and it was an eternal fall. The darkness would seem so close. I thought it would remain my constant companion. I felt its caress and we made love. Our exploits together produced an offspring of depression and self-loathing. The darkness and I used to dance together in the pitch black of grief and hatred. The darkness has been with me for so long; divorcing myself from his icy embrace seemed impossible and asinine. We lived together in the depths of a deep despair that felt like home. Together we mastered our hope for a moment in the the light. We became at one with the gloom. I was the darkness and he was me. How do you run from what you've known for so long and what you found a place in?
I grew to think that the darkness was made for me and that it was my curse. At one point, I had been searching for a release from my darkness. I searched through my Mormon beliefs in God and salvation through Christ. I sought release from the darkness by trying to serve God in the Tokyo North mission, but the darkness still embraced me and refused to let me go. So, I embraced him back and surrendered to the abyss. And no matter what friends and family said to the contrary of my courtship with the darkness and my importance to them, I still saw my life within the hands of my lover.
So, what changed in me to actively seek a divorce from the dark and a separation from depression and self-loathing? I wish I could say that it was a blinding revelation from God, the very God I had cursed because He seemed unconcerned with my struggles. I also wish I could tell you 100 percent that I know the reason I am daily changing and actively seeking the stop of the free fall and the descent into the abyss. The one thing I am aware of that has changed is my awareness of the here and now.
I found that the dark would embrace me when I focused on the past: my failures, my sufferings, my pain, and my life that once was. These memories and dwelling on them only brought them to the surface and allowed me to soak in them for hours, days, weeks, and even months. I would allow things that cannot control me years after they happened and passed into a memory, made permanent on a neuron, to control how I thought and felt. The past became a reason for me to insist on my continual residence in the abyss with my lover, the darkness.
Also, always looking forward into the unspeakable, unknowable future allowed my fixation on despair and pain to keep me wallowing in the abyssal free fall. I would look at the future and feel that I don't deserve happiness and joy. The future and its eternal presence in the nonexistent kept the darkness whispering sweet, painful nothings in my ear.
However, as I look at the Eternal Now, I know that the past is no more and the future doesn't exist. I find the necessity to plant my feet firmly in the now and divorce myself from my constant companion. Depression and despair have transformed into beautiful butterflies of hope and laughter. Forgiveness, mercy, and compassion walk with me in the Eternal Now because I can walk with them. Forgiveness, mercy, and compassion blossom and bloom as I feed them daily.
So, what has changed? I suppose the only truthful and honest answer I can give is that I have changed. My desires have changed. What I know I can control has changed; well, not changed, but I realize the things of which I'm capable. And my once loving companion, the darkness, is seen in his true light as a scab that I allowed to grow and fester. Now, I am using salve of the here and now and the bandages of compassion, mercy, forgiveness, hope, laughter and love to heal me. The darkness is scarring, and every once in a while he seeks to make me his lover again. I refuse him and I say, "Dwelling in the present moment, I realize this is a wonderful moment. Present moment. Happy moment," and I continue on with a smile on my face and a feeling of peace in my heart. Namaste.
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