How do you release pent up anger and hate for a person you barely know and who, through circumstantial evidence and gossip, has earned your dislike and ire? How do you let it go and learn to be compassionate? I wish I knew the answer and hope, through writing and pondering, I can come up with the answer. The ire and the negativity don't do me any good.
In the house I rent a room in, my room has no door and a drape covering the entry from prying eyes and accidental onlookers. The makeshift door somehow adds to a feeling of privacy but not by much. My roommates have had a guest crashing on the couch for almost a week. I don't know her circumstances at all. All I know is that I hate the feeling in the house when she is there and I feel like I have no safe place to keep my stuff. She is a monthly visitor and, to one of my roommates, I have described her as my monthly period because she's not wanted and makes me moody and irritable. But why so much distaste for her?
On one of her monthly visits, my roommate and I had returned from working a graveyard shift and I retired to my room. Yes, the room that doesn't have a door. I was putting my backpack down and noticed an object shining on the carpet near my bed; I use the word bed lightly because in this case it is a futon mattress on the floor. When I went to look at what was glinting at me from the carpet, I found a tiny ring laying next to my bed. I picked up the ring and asked my roommate to find out who's ring it was and why they were in my room. He asked his wife and she said it wasn't hers. She also said that her friend hadn't been downstairs. Well, how did it get in my room? The ring could have fallen from her finger when she came down to do her laundry and rolled, but it couldn't have rolled that far on carpet. When I went upstairs later, I saw the ring on her, the friend's finger, and I was immediately frustrated.
Why so frustrated over a ring? It could be nothing, right? Well, this was not the first time I felt like my privacy was intruded upon. Last September, I found out that I had kidney stones. These are very painful, so, the doctor prescribed some very strong pain killers, Percocets, for me to take when the pain was unbearable. I took one pill on the first night and then when I was able to take more, I took two more. After taking those last two pills, I fell asleep and suffered from awful nightmares, so I stopped taking the Percocets. But I still had twelve of the fifteen pills left.
When I came home after work one morning, I noticed the pill bottle on the ground and a pill next to it on the carpet. I picked both up and replaced the pill in the bottle, when I noticed that that one pill was the only pill left and the other eleven were missing. I asked my roommates if they had taken them, but they both said no and the conversation ended there.
When this ring was found on the floor by my bed, I felt intruded upon. I felt violated. I didn't notice anything missing, but I didn't have anything to take. I didn't have any pain medications for anyone to take. I still felt invaded and pieces of my trust were torn at again.
The next time our guest came downstairs, and I happened to be down there, I blew up at her. All my anger emerged and raged at her because, although I had no real proof that she had been in my room, I couldn't hold back my ire; I just knew deep down that she had been in my room. I told her to get out of the basement. In fact, I yelled at her and told her she was not supposed to come downstairs. I told her if she needed something from downstairs, my roommates could get it for her.
Later, I found out that I made her cry; a fact that didn't make me feel very good at all. Making her cry was not my intention at all. I just couldn't help how I felt. All my anger and frustration came raging out of me. When she was gone, I couldn't calm down. I was left pacing in my room. I just felt so violated. And all that pent up anger and frustration, now, gets brought back to the forefront when I see her again.
So, I am left with the dilemma. How do I let go? How do I overcome my deep-seated anger and frustration toward this person? I think I have found the true cause, which might help with the solution. The cause is that I felt violated and my concern was for my material possessions being taken from me. I am so attached to objects and materials to the point that when I thought someone could have taken things from me, I became like a possessive child, screaming, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"
My deep attachment to possessions has allowed a seed of fear to be placed within my heart. I watered that seed with every purchase I made that allowed me to call something mine and to attach possession to it. The fear of losing those material possessions has placed me in this position to dislike or be displeased with someone at the simple prospect of that person taking one of my possessions from me without my permission.
This possessive attitude is truly the root cause that is the base of my ire and contempt for our house guest. In the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, the first noble truth is "Life means suffering." The second noble truth is "The origin of suffering is attachment." These two noble truths came to me as I was trying to figure out how to let my anger go because my possessive attitude toward material possessions has created suffering in my life because it brings forth negative feelings for another human being. If something was taken, or was being searched for in my room, the searcher had some reason for needing it. Though permission would have been better asked for than unfreely taken, I should hold no ire toward her because all I am protecting is possessions which can be replaced.
I guess the only solution to my conundrum is to let go of my attachments; they are the things that lead to suffering. I need to forgive people of their flaws because I have many of my own that I would want forgiven. Release all the negative feelings and open my heart. All of these things are a great beginning to forgiving and forgetting. And all things need to start somewhere, even if it may take some time. Namaste.
In the house I rent a room in, my room has no door and a drape covering the entry from prying eyes and accidental onlookers. The makeshift door somehow adds to a feeling of privacy but not by much. My roommates have had a guest crashing on the couch for almost a week. I don't know her circumstances at all. All I know is that I hate the feeling in the house when she is there and I feel like I have no safe place to keep my stuff. She is a monthly visitor and, to one of my roommates, I have described her as my monthly period because she's not wanted and makes me moody and irritable. But why so much distaste for her?
On one of her monthly visits, my roommate and I had returned from working a graveyard shift and I retired to my room. Yes, the room that doesn't have a door. I was putting my backpack down and noticed an object shining on the carpet near my bed; I use the word bed lightly because in this case it is a futon mattress on the floor. When I went to look at what was glinting at me from the carpet, I found a tiny ring laying next to my bed. I picked up the ring and asked my roommate to find out who's ring it was and why they were in my room. He asked his wife and she said it wasn't hers. She also said that her friend hadn't been downstairs. Well, how did it get in my room? The ring could have fallen from her finger when she came down to do her laundry and rolled, but it couldn't have rolled that far on carpet. When I went upstairs later, I saw the ring on her, the friend's finger, and I was immediately frustrated.
Why so frustrated over a ring? It could be nothing, right? Well, this was not the first time I felt like my privacy was intruded upon. Last September, I found out that I had kidney stones. These are very painful, so, the doctor prescribed some very strong pain killers, Percocets, for me to take when the pain was unbearable. I took one pill on the first night and then when I was able to take more, I took two more. After taking those last two pills, I fell asleep and suffered from awful nightmares, so I stopped taking the Percocets. But I still had twelve of the fifteen pills left.
When I came home after work one morning, I noticed the pill bottle on the ground and a pill next to it on the carpet. I picked both up and replaced the pill in the bottle, when I noticed that that one pill was the only pill left and the other eleven were missing. I asked my roommates if they had taken them, but they both said no and the conversation ended there.
When this ring was found on the floor by my bed, I felt intruded upon. I felt violated. I didn't notice anything missing, but I didn't have anything to take. I didn't have any pain medications for anyone to take. I still felt invaded and pieces of my trust were torn at again.
The next time our guest came downstairs, and I happened to be down there, I blew up at her. All my anger emerged and raged at her because, although I had no real proof that she had been in my room, I couldn't hold back my ire; I just knew deep down that she had been in my room. I told her to get out of the basement. In fact, I yelled at her and told her she was not supposed to come downstairs. I told her if she needed something from downstairs, my roommates could get it for her.
Later, I found out that I made her cry; a fact that didn't make me feel very good at all. Making her cry was not my intention at all. I just couldn't help how I felt. All my anger and frustration came raging out of me. When she was gone, I couldn't calm down. I was left pacing in my room. I just felt so violated. And all that pent up anger and frustration, now, gets brought back to the forefront when I see her again.
So, I am left with the dilemma. How do I let go? How do I overcome my deep-seated anger and frustration toward this person? I think I have found the true cause, which might help with the solution. The cause is that I felt violated and my concern was for my material possessions being taken from me. I am so attached to objects and materials to the point that when I thought someone could have taken things from me, I became like a possessive child, screaming, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"
My deep attachment to possessions has allowed a seed of fear to be placed within my heart. I watered that seed with every purchase I made that allowed me to call something mine and to attach possession to it. The fear of losing those material possessions has placed me in this position to dislike or be displeased with someone at the simple prospect of that person taking one of my possessions from me without my permission.
This possessive attitude is truly the root cause that is the base of my ire and contempt for our house guest. In the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, the first noble truth is "Life means suffering." The second noble truth is "The origin of suffering is attachment." These two noble truths came to me as I was trying to figure out how to let my anger go because my possessive attitude toward material possessions has created suffering in my life because it brings forth negative feelings for another human being. If something was taken, or was being searched for in my room, the searcher had some reason for needing it. Though permission would have been better asked for than unfreely taken, I should hold no ire toward her because all I am protecting is possessions which can be replaced.
I guess the only solution to my conundrum is to let go of my attachments; they are the things that lead to suffering. I need to forgive people of their flaws because I have many of my own that I would want forgiven. Release all the negative feelings and open my heart. All of these things are a great beginning to forgiving and forgetting. And all things need to start somewhere, even if it may take some time. Namaste.
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ReplyDeleteThat is an interesting idea Micah. I think it is especially difficult to surrender our attachment to worldly possessions in a capitalist society since consumerism is a big part of our identity. Buying and owning things gives our life meaning as Americans so if you are no longer a consumer then what are you? I also think you point out the paradox of modern society. For most of human history there was a general acceptance that the human condition entailed a significant amount of pain of suffering, and a major focus of all the world’s religions has been to help their followers deal with suffering. You mention that one of the tenants of Buddhism is "life means suffering," but even Christianity has this idea of purification through suffering. But with the advent of science and modern medicine we first saw the potential of a painless death and later we came to expect a relatively painless life. In fact, most people today believe they shouldn’t even have to suffer through a headache (just walk down the pain-reliever aisle of a grocery store). So it seems to me that we either have to come to terms with suffering, or try and mask it through drugs.
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