Seeing the Good, The Beautiful, and The True Within Myself

Have you ever been reading a book and, at some point in the book, you felt like it was speaking to you; you were meant to read those words or they were written just for you? I have read many books where one passage in the book spoke to me, but I have found one book that throughout the book I found myself connecting with the protagonist.

In William J. Mann's novel Men Who Love Men, the whole book felt like it was a view into an alternate universe of my life. The main character Henry is a thirty-three year old gay man who is lonely and trying to find his Mr. Right. I felt like Henry's life was mine with some obvious differences such as where he lives, where he works, and him being raised Jewish. It felt like it was a glimpse into my world and left me thinking about a lot of things. I was left with the desire to see myself better than I have been seeing myself in the past.

In the novel, when Henry is receiving his epiphanies about life and his place in everything, I felt like I was right on the edge of the same epiphanies in my own life. During one such epiphany in the book, Mann writes (and I substituted my name for the main character's), "I thought [Micah Campbell] wasn't good enough, or interesting enough, or sexy enough...there was always this belief way down deep that [Micah] just didn't cut it. [Micah] just was not good enough" (282). When I looked in the mirror or though of myself in any way, I saw myself as a failure and not worth the stardust I was created from. I felt that until I changed everything about myself, every flaw or blemish, I would never find Mr. Right and my mother's prophecy, early on when I came out to my parents, would come true; I would live a lonely, dark, sad life. So, I saw every flaw as a curse and did my damnedest to change them. I wanted to be noticed; I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be more than "the Campbell kid" or "David's son." However, I realize that as I only see what is negative in me, I only keep my guards up covering the rest of me that is *good and beautiful and true. I am what I am and Mr. Right will see all that is good and beautiful and true and take me, loving me for me.

As I continued to ponder upon the negative ways I was seeing myself, I came upon another paragraph that spoke the words I needed to hear. Mann writes, "[Micah Campbell] is [thirty-one] years old. Mr. Right is just going to have to deal with it...Why is it I always see in this mirror someone old, out of shape, and unappealing? Why is it I never see a good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy? He hasn't been hiding. He's been right there all along" (287). Like Henry, I can look in the mirror and see all the negative and unattractive things about myself that keep Mr. Right from seeing me. When, in reality, it has been me who hasn't seen me. And that is what is unappealing. I may have many flaws, all of which I could try to fill a spreadsheet with, but who cares because I have just as many good qualities, all of which could fill another spreadsheet, that make me "good-looking" and an "upstanding, decent guy" whom Mr. Right will love inside and out when I finally meet him.

I am still learning to love myself and be happy with being single; this is an epic quest. I made a great stride this year by not mourning on Valentine's Day because I was single, but accepting all the love that I do have in my life and celebrating that love. And I may be getting older, and some see that as bad; however, with each new passing day, I find wisdom in life in every new moment.

As I take from each moment the lessons that I need to learn, I discover the vital things in my past that have made me the man I am. In Men Who Love Men, Henry says, "...my childhood, and my family, and my hometown remain vital parts of who I am:...A soft-hearted romantic who fell in love too many times in his life. A guy who's sometimes been selfish and sometimes been naive. But for all that, [Micah Campbell] isn't so bad" (288). No, he's not so bad at all. So, I will continue to see the "good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy" who looks back at me in the mirror everyday and remind myself that I am not so bad and Mr. Right will see that too.

*In Thich Nhat Hanh's Buddhist philosophy, he mentions that in each of us we have the good, the beautiful and the true and that we only need to see that in ourselves so that we can nurture those seeds within us.

Dreams

Trapped in a free fall
And quickly gaining speed,
Missing you beside me
With an ever growing need

Falling down through endless space,
You're gone with the opening of my eyes.
I awake without you here beside me,
The sun taking away your memory.

When the black of night surrounds me
Again, I find you gone.
I crawl to bed so slowly,
Desiring to find you there.

I fall to sleep still craving
The vision, love of you.
In dreams, I find you with me
And the black of night disappears.

Then morning comes too quickly
As all who dream will know
Always I fear the waking
Only to continue life free fall.

Behind These Wired Frames

If you looked at me,
Saw me only from the outside,
You would miss all that hides
Behind these wired frames.

I have fought battles and won.
Though physical scars you will not see,
Scars I do have.
I have climbed out of an abyss
But not without falling down often.

Broken bones I never received
But I did receive a gift,
This pride in myself
I thought non-existent.

Black were many days in my life's short span
But now a light of self-discovery shines.
The Black,
       the abyss,
            the battles are over
But not without the pains reality brought.

Behind these wired frames
Lies a fighter,
     a warrior,
So don't, I beg, judge
Until you know the man
Behind these wired frames.

Empty Shell

What once was full,

Now lies empty and fragile

Too vacant to merit life.

I wake to nothing again.

I dine on my own insecurities.

Carving out my soul

   Spoon by spoon

Leaving me hollow and void

I cannot stop the self-implosion

Lest my daily routines become more

Than just the dining.

We are our own diseases

Sometimes eating away the good

Leaving only excrement

And the foul stench of negativity

Leaving nothing but an empty shell.

So, here I am
And here I stay,

Just me and my empty shell.
Until I can stop my gluttonous ways
And fill my shell up again. 

Connecting: A Cure When Other Solutions Don't Work

It's amazing how one simple conversation with a new friend or just a good friend, even a complete stranger, can change your day from a struggle with depression and self-loathing to a happy person who is unconcerned with the trivial things in life. A simple conversation, a smile, or a laugh can change your day and make it ten times better. You are able to switch from a gloomy perspective to a much brighter one with a few clouds to blot out the sun rather than a sunless day.

Today has been one of those days where I am constantly telling myself to "knock it off;" "it" being thinking negatively about myself and the situations I find myself in. I have been feeling extremely lonely and at times I've felt very alone. These two feelings are warning signs for me that signal that I am becoming too introspective and self-concerned. They signal a type of fear taking over the way I am thinking.

When I start thinking this way, I know that if I don't change the way I am thinking, the abyss will be close behind to swallow me in darkness. So, today, I have been looking for distractions to get me out of my head or I have been saying the opposite of what I have been thinking. For instance, if I am calling myself stupid or ugly, I tell myself that I am smart and handsome. Occasionally, this method works, but if I can't change the negative to the positive, I look for distractions.

Today's distraction was a simple conversation with a new acquaintance. We just started talking about our distaste for reality TV, learning to defend myself, and whatever else came up. The simple conversation was enough to make me feel some semblance of a connection with someone else. That connection was enough to lessen the sting of loneliness and it gave me another possible good friend.

In the novel Where the Boys Are, William J. Mann writes, "It's only through connection with another person that one understands why we're here..." (39) and to which I add that through that connection we gain experience and learn to live. The connection we feel when we are with people is necessary to feel a part of something than a lone being. It is those connections that get us out of our heads. And those simple, but necessary, connections are needed to make life bearable and worth it.

When the World Seems so Dark and Unforgiving....

Ever since North Korea started their threats of missile launches, the school shootings, and the Boston Marathon bombings, I have heard a lot of people expressing how evil people are and how afraid people are becoming. They have expressed their fear of public meetings and traveling. All of these feelings are completely understandable; the terrorists are succeeding in inciting terror in the hearts of the people. Fear is steadily becoming a part of life and that is sad. Fear is going hand-in-hand with distrust and revenge. This is very disheartening and is very scary.

However, in spite of the cruelty, terror, pain, death and every other negative and evil thing that raises itself to be seen on screens across the nation and the world, the one thing to keep in mind is there is still so many good people out there and there is still so much goodness. After the bombings in Boston, a nation prayed for the lost and injured. The city of Boston's residents rallied and showed their strength. People did what they could to show their support and to show their sympathy for the families affected by the act of cruelty and evil committed. The flags are being flown at half-mast and our country continues on.

In spite of the cruelty and evil, believers still prayed and pray to God, though He may have seemed absent on the days of the shootings and the bombings; families called loved ones to make sure they were safe and to show how much they love and care; friends helped one another; and people still sought and seek to give help and support where they can. The goodness in the hearts of everyone shines brighter in spite of the tragedy and terror.

When it feels like everything is being destroyed and hope is dwindling because it feels like evil is winning, I think it is important to remember that there are so many good people out there still. There are people who still see hope and goodness in life. When it feels like there is no point in going on and fear keeps you from living your lives, just keep in mind that the good still outweighs all of the evil and all the pain. 

Chaos and Control

It's easy to make it appear like you have no problems in the world and that nothing bothers you. As I've looked back at all of my previous blog posts, well, all the ones within the last couple of months, I can see that it could appear to the casual reader that my life is all cotton candy and rainbows. However, I don't want to put up that facade of a trouble free life. I don't want to appear like life is perfect and I am free from pain. I don't want to appear to stand in green pastures imploring others to see things my way and be happy. To insist on such things would have the appearance of me knowing what I'm talking about. I am no prophet, no doctor, nor am I sent to bless and cure. I am simply a man. Nothing more and nothing less.

My pastures have only become greener because of what I have chosen to focus my energies on. The idea that I have any control in a chaotic world is ludicrous. I cannot control the cost of doctor's visits or how much the insurance is going to pay. I can't control the minds of others or their intent for me. The only thing that I am in control of is me and my own reactions to the events in my life.

I received yet another bill from a doctor's visit last September. Out of my pocket, and some help from my parents, I have already paid about eight hundred dollars. For someone who makes ten dollars and forty one cents an hour, eight hundred dollars is a lot to ask for. Now, this new bill is for seven hundred and ninety-nine dollars and some change.

My initial reaction was to chew out the medical billing department because I don't understand how they can justify charging so much money (3000 plus dollars) for fifteen minutes in a machine. How can they justify it? What working class citizen can afford that kind of money when they make barely over minimum wage? Bills just pile up and it seems like I just can't get ahead.

Then, as I considered things, the poor person that I was berating on the phone has even less control over my bill than I do. They are just doing their job for a measly amount of money. That person can't control the chaos either. So, I surrendered to the controllable and signed up for a payment plan. This was all I could think to do and the only control I had over the situation was myself and how I handled it. I decided that there was no use fighting the tide and drowning. I needed to swim with the tide and do what was in my power to do.

When we fight against the tide, we wear ourselves thin and we grow so fatigued that we drown, leaving us unable to fight anymore. Now, it sounds like I am saying to never swim against the tide, but that's not what I mean. There are some things worth fighting the tide for. Those things we have some control over. Don't just grow lifeless and let the tide carry you away. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Know what you have power over and do what is necessary. Don't surrender but be smart about the battle. And win.