Chaos and Control

It's easy to make it appear like you have no problems in the world and that nothing bothers you. As I've looked back at all of my previous blog posts, well, all the ones within the last couple of months, I can see that it could appear to the casual reader that my life is all cotton candy and rainbows. However, I don't want to put up that facade of a trouble free life. I don't want to appear like life is perfect and I am free from pain. I don't want to appear to stand in green pastures imploring others to see things my way and be happy. To insist on such things would have the appearance of me knowing what I'm talking about. I am no prophet, no doctor, nor am I sent to bless and cure. I am simply a man. Nothing more and nothing less.

My pastures have only become greener because of what I have chosen to focus my energies on. The idea that I have any control in a chaotic world is ludicrous. I cannot control the cost of doctor's visits or how much the insurance is going to pay. I can't control the minds of others or their intent for me. The only thing that I am in control of is me and my own reactions to the events in my life.

I received yet another bill from a doctor's visit last September. Out of my pocket, and some help from my parents, I have already paid about eight hundred dollars. For someone who makes ten dollars and forty one cents an hour, eight hundred dollars is a lot to ask for. Now, this new bill is for seven hundred and ninety-nine dollars and some change.

My initial reaction was to chew out the medical billing department because I don't understand how they can justify charging so much money (3000 plus dollars) for fifteen minutes in a machine. How can they justify it? What working class citizen can afford that kind of money when they make barely over minimum wage? Bills just pile up and it seems like I just can't get ahead.

Then, as I considered things, the poor person that I was berating on the phone has even less control over my bill than I do. They are just doing their job for a measly amount of money. That person can't control the chaos either. So, I surrendered to the controllable and signed up for a payment plan. This was all I could think to do and the only control I had over the situation was myself and how I handled it. I decided that there was no use fighting the tide and drowning. I needed to swim with the tide and do what was in my power to do.

When we fight against the tide, we wear ourselves thin and we grow so fatigued that we drown, leaving us unable to fight anymore. Now, it sounds like I am saying to never swim against the tide, but that's not what I mean. There are some things worth fighting the tide for. Those things we have some control over. Don't just grow lifeless and let the tide carry you away. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Know what you have power over and do what is necessary. Don't surrender but be smart about the battle. And win.

Hope

Night creeps up
   a dark, foreboding cloud
      darkening the world in which we live.
Some would fear,
   but for the hope that a brighter day
       comes.

Hope is something necessary,
   without it, everything is dark
and pain seems never ending
Hope is the balance
Between knowledge and faith
     giving light to us
         shining on the unknown.
            finding the stepping stones ahead
               so we don't fall in murky water.

Keep hoping. Keep believing
One day
    all will be better
         light will prevail.
Keep hoping that you
     will one day be safe
        in someone's arms.

Keep hoping.

Autism: Be Aware and Care

Today starts the month of April, which also means that it is Autism awareness month. A much needed reminder to be aware of a disease that affects so many people. One specific person comes to my mind to me today, and his family, my sweet nephew Eli; Eli has Autism. A disease that makes it hard for him to express his needs to those that want, so much, to help him and care for him the way he needs.

A distinction that needs to be made and understood this month is that Eli, and others with Autism, have Autism; they are not Autistic. They are not the disease from which they suffer. It may seem a minor distinction, but it is important. We do not say that a person with cancer is cancer; we say they have cancer. The same needs to be said of people with Autism. They are not their disease.

Eli is a very intelligent little boy. And it frustrates him when he cannot communicate that intelligence to us. He is smarter than some adults I know when it comes to using an iPad. He can use the device to navigate to things he wants and he uses the search function to spell out things he is looking for like Monsters Inc.

Eli is also a very loving little boy. At times, because of his disease, he likes to wander around and play by himself rather than with his siblings or his cousins. When he is frustrated, he has a tendency to hit, kick, bit, or scratch, but the best memories of him are when he comes to Grandma's house and climbs on my lap to give me a hug or just sit with me. Those are the moments when he shows how loving and perfect he is.

Eli may struggle through the days; some days are better than others. However, he has a loving mother, my little sister, a loving father and four siblings that care for him through his tantrums and struggles. My sister is an amazing mother and needs to know that. Because Eli, in spite of his struggles and hardships, has her to care for him and help him understand what is and isn't okay to do and to love him through it; his father cares for him just as deeply, as do his siblings. They are a family so perfectly formed that, together, they can handle everything and anything that comes along.

I guess what I am trying to say, as we begin the month of April, is to be very aware of the disease; know the distinction between the disease and the person; and be aware of what you say and how you treat others. Autism is a disease that, when we better understand it, we can treat those that suffer from it and live with it with the respect they deserve. We can treat them as the equals they need to be treated as. Be aware and care; that's all I ask.