The Middle Way: Finding Balance in the Chaotic

I think it's time to find the "Middle way" again and find the balance to re-stabilize my life. I am running into walls and tearing up over nothing more often than I should be. So, I think its time to seek my center again because when I am centered and living in the now I am able to shrug things off and not let them affect me.

The "Middle Way" is the harmonious balance and avoiding the extremes in life. The balances on my scales are continually shifting and changing; they are far from harmonious right now. The difficulty is finding what is causing the shifts and avoiding them or finding their cure. But how do you find balance in a world of chaos and disturbances? I'm finding it difficult to breathe in everyday situations. I'm not sure what is the cause of the chaos and the constrictions in me, making it hard to breathe.

I think that the biggest thing for me that is causing the chaos and imbalance is my friendship. When terse and one-worded responses make the most of the conversations we share, I fear that that is all dissolving into nothingness and an abyss. I am trying my hardest to not let this push me away, but I don't know how to fix when I don't know what has broken. How can you fix a problem when the problem remains unspoken and/or avoided?

Is it time to find a new place to live? I have changed my work schedule so that my friend doesn't have to see me at home as well as at work. But is it now time for me to completely leave the house? I don't know if I am just over-analyzing the situation and not allowing for outside sources of chaos. I don't know if, in my over-analysis, I am doing everything in my unconscious power to break what isn't broken.

Herein lies my current state of suffering: because I am not allowing the transitory nature of life, even in regards to friendships, I am craving control of the situations and my relationships. In so doing, I suffer because I want nothing to change. But everything is changing whether I want it to or not. Also, because I seek control of the chaos, even though the control I seek is not possible, I am going to continue suffering until I can relinquish control and accept the transitory nature of life.

To the universe, then, I say, "I accept the chaos all around me and my lack of control of the chaos. I will release my desires for control because I know the control is an illusion and I am incapable of controlling the chaos. I accept the transitory nature of life and I will accept the inevitability of change. I will live in this moment and accept it as it is. I will live and be." Namaste.

Chaos and Control

It's easy to make it appear like you have no problems in the world and that nothing bothers you. As I've looked back at all of my previous blog posts, well, all the ones within the last couple of months, I can see that it could appear to the casual reader that my life is all cotton candy and rainbows. However, I don't want to put up that facade of a trouble free life. I don't want to appear like life is perfect and I am free from pain. I don't want to appear to stand in green pastures imploring others to see things my way and be happy. To insist on such things would have the appearance of me knowing what I'm talking about. I am no prophet, no doctor, nor am I sent to bless and cure. I am simply a man. Nothing more and nothing less.

My pastures have only become greener because of what I have chosen to focus my energies on. The idea that I have any control in a chaotic world is ludicrous. I cannot control the cost of doctor's visits or how much the insurance is going to pay. I can't control the minds of others or their intent for me. The only thing that I am in control of is me and my own reactions to the events in my life.

I received yet another bill from a doctor's visit last September. Out of my pocket, and some help from my parents, I have already paid about eight hundred dollars. For someone who makes ten dollars and forty one cents an hour, eight hundred dollars is a lot to ask for. Now, this new bill is for seven hundred and ninety-nine dollars and some change.

My initial reaction was to chew out the medical billing department because I don't understand how they can justify charging so much money (3000 plus dollars) for fifteen minutes in a machine. How can they justify it? What working class citizen can afford that kind of money when they make barely over minimum wage? Bills just pile up and it seems like I just can't get ahead.

Then, as I considered things, the poor person that I was berating on the phone has even less control over my bill than I do. They are just doing their job for a measly amount of money. That person can't control the chaos either. So, I surrendered to the controllable and signed up for a payment plan. This was all I could think to do and the only control I had over the situation was myself and how I handled it. I decided that there was no use fighting the tide and drowning. I needed to swim with the tide and do what was in my power to do.

When we fight against the tide, we wear ourselves thin and we grow so fatigued that we drown, leaving us unable to fight anymore. Now, it sounds like I am saying to never swim against the tide, but that's not what I mean. There are some things worth fighting the tide for. Those things we have some control over. Don't just grow lifeless and let the tide carry you away. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Know what you have power over and do what is necessary. Don't surrender but be smart about the battle. And win.