Seeing the Good, The Beautiful, and The True Within Myself

Have you ever been reading a book and, at some point in the book, you felt like it was speaking to you; you were meant to read those words or they were written just for you? I have read many books where one passage in the book spoke to me, but I have found one book that throughout the book I found myself connecting with the protagonist.

In William J. Mann's novel Men Who Love Men, the whole book felt like it was a view into an alternate universe of my life. The main character Henry is a thirty-three year old gay man who is lonely and trying to find his Mr. Right. I felt like Henry's life was mine with some obvious differences such as where he lives, where he works, and him being raised Jewish. It felt like it was a glimpse into my world and left me thinking about a lot of things. I was left with the desire to see myself better than I have been seeing myself in the past.

In the novel, when Henry is receiving his epiphanies about life and his place in everything, I felt like I was right on the edge of the same epiphanies in my own life. During one such epiphany in the book, Mann writes (and I substituted my name for the main character's), "I thought [Micah Campbell] wasn't good enough, or interesting enough, or sexy enough...there was always this belief way down deep that [Micah] just didn't cut it. [Micah] just was not good enough" (282). When I looked in the mirror or though of myself in any way, I saw myself as a failure and not worth the stardust I was created from. I felt that until I changed everything about myself, every flaw or blemish, I would never find Mr. Right and my mother's prophecy, early on when I came out to my parents, would come true; I would live a lonely, dark, sad life. So, I saw every flaw as a curse and did my damnedest to change them. I wanted to be noticed; I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be more than "the Campbell kid" or "David's son." However, I realize that as I only see what is negative in me, I only keep my guards up covering the rest of me that is *good and beautiful and true. I am what I am and Mr. Right will see all that is good and beautiful and true and take me, loving me for me.

As I continued to ponder upon the negative ways I was seeing myself, I came upon another paragraph that spoke the words I needed to hear. Mann writes, "[Micah Campbell] is [thirty-one] years old. Mr. Right is just going to have to deal with it...Why is it I always see in this mirror someone old, out of shape, and unappealing? Why is it I never see a good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy? He hasn't been hiding. He's been right there all along" (287). Like Henry, I can look in the mirror and see all the negative and unattractive things about myself that keep Mr. Right from seeing me. When, in reality, it has been me who hasn't seen me. And that is what is unappealing. I may have many flaws, all of which I could try to fill a spreadsheet with, but who cares because I have just as many good qualities, all of which could fill another spreadsheet, that make me "good-looking" and an "upstanding, decent guy" whom Mr. Right will love inside and out when I finally meet him.

I am still learning to love myself and be happy with being single; this is an epic quest. I made a great stride this year by not mourning on Valentine's Day because I was single, but accepting all the love that I do have in my life and celebrating that love. And I may be getting older, and some see that as bad; however, with each new passing day, I find wisdom in life in every new moment.

As I take from each moment the lessons that I need to learn, I discover the vital things in my past that have made me the man I am. In Men Who Love Men, Henry says, "...my childhood, and my family, and my hometown remain vital parts of who I am:...A soft-hearted romantic who fell in love too many times in his life. A guy who's sometimes been selfish and sometimes been naive. But for all that, [Micah Campbell] isn't so bad" (288). No, he's not so bad at all. So, I will continue to see the "good-looking, broad-shouldered, upstanding, decent guy" who looks back at me in the mirror everyday and remind myself that I am not so bad and Mr. Right will see that too.

*In Thich Nhat Hanh's Buddhist philosophy, he mentions that in each of us we have the good, the beautiful and the true and that we only need to see that in ourselves so that we can nurture those seeds within us.

Dreams

Trapped in a free fall
And quickly gaining speed,
Missing you beside me
With an ever growing need

Falling down through endless space,
You're gone with the opening of my eyes.
I awake without you here beside me,
The sun taking away your memory.

When the black of night surrounds me
Again, I find you gone.
I crawl to bed so slowly,
Desiring to find you there.

I fall to sleep still craving
The vision, love of you.
In dreams, I find you with me
And the black of night disappears.

Then morning comes too quickly
As all who dream will know
Always I fear the waking
Only to continue life free fall.

Behind These Wired Frames

If you looked at me,
Saw me only from the outside,
You would miss all that hides
Behind these wired frames.

I have fought battles and won.
Though physical scars you will not see,
Scars I do have.
I have climbed out of an abyss
But not without falling down often.

Broken bones I never received
But I did receive a gift,
This pride in myself
I thought non-existent.

Black were many days in my life's short span
But now a light of self-discovery shines.
The Black,
       the abyss,
            the battles are over
But not without the pains reality brought.

Behind these wired frames
Lies a fighter,
     a warrior,
So don't, I beg, judge
Until you know the man
Behind these wired frames.

Empty Shell

What once was full,

Now lies empty and fragile

Too vacant to merit life.

I wake to nothing again.

I dine on my own insecurities.

Carving out my soul

   Spoon by spoon

Leaving me hollow and void

I cannot stop the self-implosion

Lest my daily routines become more

Than just the dining.

We are our own diseases

Sometimes eating away the good

Leaving only excrement

And the foul stench of negativity

Leaving nothing but an empty shell.

So, here I am
And here I stay,

Just me and my empty shell.
Until I can stop my gluttonous ways
And fill my shell up again. 

Connecting: A Cure When Other Solutions Don't Work

It's amazing how one simple conversation with a new friend or just a good friend, even a complete stranger, can change your day from a struggle with depression and self-loathing to a happy person who is unconcerned with the trivial things in life. A simple conversation, a smile, or a laugh can change your day and make it ten times better. You are able to switch from a gloomy perspective to a much brighter one with a few clouds to blot out the sun rather than a sunless day.

Today has been one of those days where I am constantly telling myself to "knock it off;" "it" being thinking negatively about myself and the situations I find myself in. I have been feeling extremely lonely and at times I've felt very alone. These two feelings are warning signs for me that signal that I am becoming too introspective and self-concerned. They signal a type of fear taking over the way I am thinking.

When I start thinking this way, I know that if I don't change the way I am thinking, the abyss will be close behind to swallow me in darkness. So, today, I have been looking for distractions to get me out of my head or I have been saying the opposite of what I have been thinking. For instance, if I am calling myself stupid or ugly, I tell myself that I am smart and handsome. Occasionally, this method works, but if I can't change the negative to the positive, I look for distractions.

Today's distraction was a simple conversation with a new acquaintance. We just started talking about our distaste for reality TV, learning to defend myself, and whatever else came up. The simple conversation was enough to make me feel some semblance of a connection with someone else. That connection was enough to lessen the sting of loneliness and it gave me another possible good friend.

In the novel Where the Boys Are, William J. Mann writes, "It's only through connection with another person that one understands why we're here..." (39) and to which I add that through that connection we gain experience and learn to live. The connection we feel when we are with people is necessary to feel a part of something than a lone being. It is those connections that get us out of our heads. And those simple, but necessary, connections are needed to make life bearable and worth it.

When the World Seems so Dark and Unforgiving....

Ever since North Korea started their threats of missile launches, the school shootings, and the Boston Marathon bombings, I have heard a lot of people expressing how evil people are and how afraid people are becoming. They have expressed their fear of public meetings and traveling. All of these feelings are completely understandable; the terrorists are succeeding in inciting terror in the hearts of the people. Fear is steadily becoming a part of life and that is sad. Fear is going hand-in-hand with distrust and revenge. This is very disheartening and is very scary.

However, in spite of the cruelty, terror, pain, death and every other negative and evil thing that raises itself to be seen on screens across the nation and the world, the one thing to keep in mind is there is still so many good people out there and there is still so much goodness. After the bombings in Boston, a nation prayed for the lost and injured. The city of Boston's residents rallied and showed their strength. People did what they could to show their support and to show their sympathy for the families affected by the act of cruelty and evil committed. The flags are being flown at half-mast and our country continues on.

In spite of the cruelty and evil, believers still prayed and pray to God, though He may have seemed absent on the days of the shootings and the bombings; families called loved ones to make sure they were safe and to show how much they love and care; friends helped one another; and people still sought and seek to give help and support where they can. The goodness in the hearts of everyone shines brighter in spite of the tragedy and terror.

When it feels like everything is being destroyed and hope is dwindling because it feels like evil is winning, I think it is important to remember that there are so many good people out there still. There are people who still see hope and goodness in life. When it feels like there is no point in going on and fear keeps you from living your lives, just keep in mind that the good still outweighs all of the evil and all the pain. 

Chaos and Control

It's easy to make it appear like you have no problems in the world and that nothing bothers you. As I've looked back at all of my previous blog posts, well, all the ones within the last couple of months, I can see that it could appear to the casual reader that my life is all cotton candy and rainbows. However, I don't want to put up that facade of a trouble free life. I don't want to appear like life is perfect and I am free from pain. I don't want to appear to stand in green pastures imploring others to see things my way and be happy. To insist on such things would have the appearance of me knowing what I'm talking about. I am no prophet, no doctor, nor am I sent to bless and cure. I am simply a man. Nothing more and nothing less.

My pastures have only become greener because of what I have chosen to focus my energies on. The idea that I have any control in a chaotic world is ludicrous. I cannot control the cost of doctor's visits or how much the insurance is going to pay. I can't control the minds of others or their intent for me. The only thing that I am in control of is me and my own reactions to the events in my life.

I received yet another bill from a doctor's visit last September. Out of my pocket, and some help from my parents, I have already paid about eight hundred dollars. For someone who makes ten dollars and forty one cents an hour, eight hundred dollars is a lot to ask for. Now, this new bill is for seven hundred and ninety-nine dollars and some change.

My initial reaction was to chew out the medical billing department because I don't understand how they can justify charging so much money (3000 plus dollars) for fifteen minutes in a machine. How can they justify it? What working class citizen can afford that kind of money when they make barely over minimum wage? Bills just pile up and it seems like I just can't get ahead.

Then, as I considered things, the poor person that I was berating on the phone has even less control over my bill than I do. They are just doing their job for a measly amount of money. That person can't control the chaos either. So, I surrendered to the controllable and signed up for a payment plan. This was all I could think to do and the only control I had over the situation was myself and how I handled it. I decided that there was no use fighting the tide and drowning. I needed to swim with the tide and do what was in my power to do.

When we fight against the tide, we wear ourselves thin and we grow so fatigued that we drown, leaving us unable to fight anymore. Now, it sounds like I am saying to never swim against the tide, but that's not what I mean. There are some things worth fighting the tide for. Those things we have some control over. Don't just grow lifeless and let the tide carry you away. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Know what you have power over and do what is necessary. Don't surrender but be smart about the battle. And win.

Fighting Depression: Never Give Up Because You Are Not Alone

I have suffered from depression and still suffer from it. Although I am learning ways to manage my depression, those feelings of abandonment and loneliness remain. They sneak up on me when I wake, when I dream, and when I am sitting in the pitch black of my basement room. For a while, I didn't like to admit that I suffer from a mental illness; honestly, who would want to admit to anyone that they have a stigmatized illness. So, I wouldn't admit to my illness. I even hated to admit that I had to take a medication to manage the ups and downs. Why should I be the only one to struggle with it? This is honestly what I thought. I thought I was alone in my suffering because no one really talks about it or when they do talk about it, it is just that they are having a "blue" day. Why had God cursed me with yet another stigmatized thing that I cannot get rid of, but I really wanted to cut my depression out of me. I didn't want to continue to be so extremely different from the world.

The stigma and misunderstanding associated with mental illness run deep from speech (calling each other "psycho," "schizo," etc.,) to American film and its portrayals of mentally ill people. The misunderstanding goes so deep that people who suffer from depression are often told to, "Just be happy," or they are asked, "why can't you just be happy?" Before my parents and I discovered that my illness is caused by a chemical imbalance of serotonin and norepinephrine, my mom, when I was depressed, would tell me, "Micah, just be happy." She didn't understand, at the time, that there is a lot more to the illness than just willing yourself to be happy. She and my father have tried hard to understand my struggle with this illness and they have striven to help me in any way they can. And I am very grateful to them for their loving support.

Mental illness is just like any other disease that requires information for understanding, therapists/doctors to talk through symptoms, and medication to treat the symptoms. Medication, however, is not a cure. It treats the symptoms. The best part for people who suffer from the disease is to understand their bodies and what their body needs. For instance, for me, the side effects of the medications were not worth the temporary cure. One side effect of the medications I was put on is weight gain. However, a big thing that sets off my depression and self-loathing is body image; getting heavier was not helping my self-image. One aide that I have discovered for my body is exercise and diet. This combination allows me to lose weight and boosts chemicals in my body like adrenaline and endorphins. My point is discover what works for your body, but don't give up on finding help.

It is easy to give up, especially when those feelings of self-loathing, loneliness, and abandonment kick in. It is very easy to say, "I give up," or "what's the point?" However, I don't want you to give up. I want you to know that you do not suffer alone. I want you to discover your strengths to fight this illness that is ruling you right now. Don't let the stigma of depression and mental illness keep you from finding help and talking about it. Silence, in this regard, is not golden and will only end up wounding you more, if you let it.

Stand up with me and fight the thing that holds us back from living fulfilling lives. We are not our diseases and we should not let them rule our lives. Please remember that you are not alone and don't give up. Be the amazing people that you are meant to be, in spite of a disease that wants to keep you down. Don't let the darkness win. "Let your light so shine," as St. Matthew wrote in the Bible. Shine out and shine on.

Keep Breathing

When the ground on which you walk
Is unsturdy and broken;
When pain is unbearable
Nothing lessens it
When the light that you trusted
Is dimmed by something black and faceless,
Keep breathing.

When life seems unbeatable
And you are defeated
When allies that you needed,
Disappear and have faded
When you are tired
And can't keep moving,
Just keep breathing

When friends become enemies
And no one can be trusted
When truth isn't truth
And lies seep forth
When life seems unimportant
And death is more inviting
Remember one thing,
Keep breathing.

Prayer to my Guardian Angels

Angels sent from the heavens above
Protect me with my Father's love.
Give courage to my mortal heart
From now 'til my eternal start.

Angels with wings protecting me
Bring light to the dark I cannot see
Please take them now, my fears, from me
From now 'til my eternity

Guardian angels surrounding me
Take these fears. Set me free.
Bring comfort to and calm my soul
Allow the light to make me whole.

Hope

Night creeps up
   a dark, foreboding cloud
      darkening the world in which we live.
Some would fear,
   but for the hope that a brighter day
       comes.

Hope is something necessary,
   without it, everything is dark
and pain seems never ending
Hope is the balance
Between knowledge and faith
     giving light to us
         shining on the unknown.
            finding the stepping stones ahead
               so we don't fall in murky water.

Keep hoping. Keep believing
One day
    all will be better
         light will prevail.
Keep hoping that you
     will one day be safe
        in someone's arms.

Keep hoping.

Five Rules or Steps to Overcoming Darkness, Pain, and Stress

Today has been one of those days where I constantly question my worth in this world and one of the times I struggle, with all my being, not to be sucked down into the depths of despair and self-doubt. I don't want to go into depth as to why my day was so crappy because I don't want to be pitied or be empathized with anymore than I already have been. Besides, rehashing what happened doesn't change the fact that it happened and dwelling on the defeat only allows me to maintain myself in the bubble of negativity. Dwelling on what I have no control over doesn't do me any good.

What my issues, today, have done for me have forced me to think of ways to overcome these moments of crushed hope. So, I have come up with five rules to follow. These five rules, or steps, must be followed before I can allow myself to feed the fires of self-doubt and despair. If you follow the rules, self-doubt and despair will have no kindling to ignite their fires.

Rule number one is laugh, or find enjoyment in the simple things. If you can't come up with the strength to laugh, then smile. The positive energy infused in a laugh or a smile can diminish or negate the sting of disappointment and the negativity of stress. A smile or a laugh can be the medicine to cure the aches of life. So, laugh and smile.

Rule number two is to remember to breathe. Breathe in the positive energy that surrounds you in the hum of life and exhale all the negativity. Release the negativity into the universe and let it be changed to positive for the benefit of all. Sometimes when we are stressed, in pain, or any other aspect of negative inducting activity, we tend to take short, quick, shallow breaths. This type of breathing is not beneficial and can keep necessary oxygen from reaching the brain and keeps the brain from functioning to its potential. Short, shallow breaths deprive the body from its necessary oxygen and, in turn, takes away from "clear-headed" thinking. Take deep breaths and allow your mind to calm and clear itself of the negative emotions. Breath deep and seek peace.

Rule number three is, when you have achieved the level of clear-headed thought, think of how full of self-worth and potential you have within you. We are each filled with worth and purpose. Some of us see the measure of worth and purpose as the amount of money and notoriety we attain in this life. We see others succeed and base our own self-worth on those measures of success. However, if we allow ourselves to think of how much self-worth and purpose we have, we can rise above the negative measures of worth of money and fame. We can see what we have achieved and we can realize how much more we are capable of achieving. Some may see those achievements as mediocre, but your achievements make you exceptional. Know your worth and allow that to keep you going.

Rule number four is to know that someone loves you with all their hearts. Whether it be family, friend, or deity, someone loves you and keeps you in their deepest regard. It is easy to feel so alone when all you seem to find is pain, suffering, and defeat. However, when you know that someone loves you, you can know that you are not alone. Call your parents and siblings; call or text your friends; or kneel down and pray so that you can turn to the ones who love you and feel that connection. The negative feelings associated with loneliness will dissipate and the warm embrace of a loved one, in person or on the phone, will positively affect you and how you are thinking about yourself. Know that someone, somewhere loves you.

Finally, rule number five is to love with great depth and with all your being. When we suffer pain, stress, disappointment, etc., we reach a very self-concerned and introspective way of thinking; it becomes a self-centered way of thinking. However, when we stop focusing on ourselves and start giving focus to others, we aren't stuck thinking negatively about ourselves, but we find our concern and focus shift to the well-being of someone else. Negative energies of self-centered and self-pitying behavior and thought shifts to the positive concern for someone else and love and care given to them. See beyond yourself and love and care for someone else.

If you can follow these rules or steps for overcoming negative actions and emotions, you will find yourself in a more happy and peace-centered state of mind. I am not saying it will be easy and won't always be the solution you are looking for, but I can say that it has been helping me to pull myself out of depression and despair. I will say that if you can replace the negative energies, behaviors, emotions, and thoughts with the positive, you will find happiness when all you thought you'd see was sadness and pain. So, laugh (or smile), breathe, think, know, and love. Let positive energy and happiness surround you. Namaste.

A Change in the Wind: Seeing the Beauty in Difference

Our nation IS going through change. A nation that cannot change will eventually stagnate and lose its place on this Earth only to be replaced by something new. One of those changes is being debated in our Supreme Court. Gay marriage: a right to say to the nation that you chose this person to love in the eyes of the law. The justices are deciding the constitutionality of defining marriage as between a man and a woman or allowing same-sex couples the civil rights given in the sanctity of a civilly recognized marriage.

Truth be told, we aren't asking for religions to recognize our unions. We are just asking for the rights given by the law to people who are married under the law. Religions are more than welcome to keep their holy matrimony from us. We are just asking for the government to give us the same recognition that has been given to heterosexual couples for years.

What is truly in question here? Is the nation questioning the love one man can have for another or one woman for another and the recognition those couples seek in their union? A recognition of their devotion to one another? Is love only expressible one man to one woman? Is love not love in any form of its expression between two consenting adults?

I have acquiesced to the idea that thousands of years ago, a man recorded that God sees homosexuality as an abomination. This thought never escapes me; it was ingrained into my mind in church. The abomination of homosexuality as seen in religion is shouted at Gay Pride parades. Believe me, if you are gay, you are never allowed to believe you are anything but an abomination. Gay people aren't allowed to be comfortable in their own skin. Gay people can't feel special until we are allowed to be around others just like us or until we can see people like us standing as role models and being seen as important. And then, again, in a sign or a shout from a stranger, we are reminded of how God hates us and how we are abominations.

Truly, we are different and that makes us be seen as abnormal. We stand apart and that scares people. Difference leads to a fear of what is unknown. Our judges don't know us and some refuse to get to know us. In the novel Where the Boys Are by William J. Mann, one of the protagonists, Jeff, has undergone a change in himself and he says, talking about the homosexual community, "We're good people...Too often have we believed the old lie that says we're bad, we're perverted, we're abominations. But those who spread the lie don't know. They don't know how we love, how we hurt, how we live" (424). As homosexuals, we often despise what is in us because of what we are taught. We accept our abomination and despise it rather than share the beauty that is in us, the love we give, and the lives we live.

The very fact that we have so many standing up with us for our right to be recognized as married couples shows the change that is inevitable for ou
r country. And it is heart-warming. However, there are still so many who want to keep our rights from us and keep us from realizing we are not abominations. So, I would ask of those who want to keep this right from us, don't veer from your religious beliefs, but understand that we are not asking for your church to recognize us. We are asking for the civil rights given to people recognized by the law of the land in civil marriage. I also ask you to get to know us. "Know how we love, how we hurt, how we live" and see our difference as a miracle and a beauty rather than an abomination. Know us for us.

"Only I Can Defeat Me": Stopping the Cycle of Self-Defeat

The things children say really are amazing. If we listen to their pure honesty and their simple sayings, we can learn so much and humble ourselves. "From the mouths of babes," as the saying goes, we are enlightened and reminded of simpler times.

When I was in St. George for my weekend, my family and I were walking along a trail to a nature preserve that the city has built. Two of my nephews were racing each other, when Caleb told Zach, "You can't beat me. Only I can beat me." Sounds simple, but as I thought about it all day, the truth of what Caleb said started to sink in more and more.

In our capitalistic and consumer driven society, we word hard to excel and often to be better than everyone else. We buy bigger houses, bigger cars, and better electronics to show off how much better off we are than Jon and Jane Doe down the street. We push and push ourselves to not be beaten by anyone else because we feel some necessity in being better than others. This is the American Dream.

I don't know about the psyche of anyone else, but I know my own thoughts. I know now that I allow the success of others, even my own siblings, to judge my own self-worth. I defeat myself by allowing the success of others to define me. I look at my siblings with good jobs, houses, children, and spouses and think that God would bless them over me because of my black sheep status within our particular flock.

I have allowed me to put myself down because I have been weighing success on what I don't have; I am more concerned with what others have over seeing my own successes. I am allowing me to defeat me. But something needs to change. Something is changing inside me. I am learning that life is not a contest to see who is better than whom. I am seeing for myself that there should be no other basis for comparison other than myself.

I may not have all the things that my siblings have, but that doesn't mean I can't have them. My story is only coming to fruition. The pieces of my puzzle are only now coming together. I can't expect perfection from a picture with pieces missing. As I think about what Caleb said, I will do my best to remember that "only I can defeat me" and I am not going to allow my own self-defeat. I am a winner and I will not be defeated.

Easter in Spring: A Reminder of Life's Beauty

Another Easter has come and gone. This morning, many children were greeted with gifts from the Easter Bunny. Baskets were filled with candy and toys awaited the children. Some kids even got new Sunday clothes to wear to church and get pictures taken for Facebook posts or for Grandma and Grandpa to put on the refrigerators  Pastels colored this beautiful Spring day. We were reminded of the new life that is budding on the trees and the beautiful blossoms that are and will fill the once wintered world. The skeletal trees will blossom with greens, pinks, purples, and whites to the background of beautiful blue skies.

Easter, for some, is the celebration of the resurrection of Christ, after he died on the cross. His resurrection, in Christianity, gives hope for something more to come after death; Spirit and flesh recombining after the separation in death. Christ's new eternal life gives Christians a hope that this life and the death at its end are not the end-all. We do not go into the void but continue on. What a beautiful hope and joy that idea can bring to us in a world that seems hellbent on destroying it and one another.

However, whether you believe in the resurrection of Christ or not, the changing of seasons can bring the same hope for life and the same joy in what, oftentimes, feels like a fruitless battle in life. Spring, the rebirth or continuation of the cycle of the circle of life, brings back what appeared to be gone. The birds come back and wake with the sun, singing hymns of joy and life. The tulips poke through the winter-hardened soil and soon bloom their reds, pinks, and yellows. Grass begins to grow and soon Saturdays are filled with the scent of freshly cut grass. The laughter of children infuse the world and mixes with the music the wind makes as it dances through the boughs of the trees. The trees appear with color and we are bathed in color and the perfume of life.

The resurrection of Christ or the resurrection of new life in Spring. No matter which is more poignant to you, they both can invoke the same sense of relief and the same sense of hope in something more. They can strike within our hearts the warmth of belief and faith. They can bring about a sense of purpose. We can become reborn ourselves each Spring with a hope and an urge to continue on with this life though it may seem hard and cruel.

Let the beauty of life surround you. May you hang on until the very end, when you will be greeted with what is to come next. Namaste.  

Autism: Be Aware and Care

Today starts the month of April, which also means that it is Autism awareness month. A much needed reminder to be aware of a disease that affects so many people. One specific person comes to my mind to me today, and his family, my sweet nephew Eli; Eli has Autism. A disease that makes it hard for him to express his needs to those that want, so much, to help him and care for him the way he needs.

A distinction that needs to be made and understood this month is that Eli, and others with Autism, have Autism; they are not Autistic. They are not the disease from which they suffer. It may seem a minor distinction, but it is important. We do not say that a person with cancer is cancer; we say they have cancer. The same needs to be said of people with Autism. They are not their disease.

Eli is a very intelligent little boy. And it frustrates him when he cannot communicate that intelligence to us. He is smarter than some adults I know when it comes to using an iPad. He can use the device to navigate to things he wants and he uses the search function to spell out things he is looking for like Monsters Inc.

Eli is also a very loving little boy. At times, because of his disease, he likes to wander around and play by himself rather than with his siblings or his cousins. When he is frustrated, he has a tendency to hit, kick, bit, or scratch, but the best memories of him are when he comes to Grandma's house and climbs on my lap to give me a hug or just sit with me. Those are the moments when he shows how loving and perfect he is.

Eli may struggle through the days; some days are better than others. However, he has a loving mother, my little sister, a loving father and four siblings that care for him through his tantrums and struggles. My sister is an amazing mother and needs to know that. Because Eli, in spite of his struggles and hardships, has her to care for him and help him understand what is and isn't okay to do and to love him through it; his father cares for him just as deeply, as do his siblings. They are a family so perfectly formed that, together, they can handle everything and anything that comes along.

I guess what I am trying to say, as we begin the month of April, is to be very aware of the disease; know the distinction between the disease and the person; and be aware of what you say and how you treat others. Autism is a disease that, when we better understand it, we can treat those that suffer from it and live with it with the respect they deserve. We can treat them as the equals they need to be treated as. Be aware and care; that's all I ask.

The Change in Me

What has changed in me? I was told by a friend the other night that I have changed and that I am more centered. But what has changed in me to have someone notice it through simple conversation? What has happened to the once dark thinker? I used to bathe myself in darkness, fear, distrust, disgust, hatred, pain and everything that crawled out of the abyss.

At one point in my adolescence, I dubbed my journey through life a free fall in the abyss and it was an eternal fall. The darkness would seem so close. I thought it would remain my constant companion. I felt its caress and we made love. Our exploits together produced an offspring of depression and self-loathing. The darkness and I used to dance together in the pitch black of grief and hatred. The darkness has been with me for so long; divorcing myself from his icy embrace seemed impossible and asinine. We lived together in the depths of a deep despair that felt like home. Together we mastered our hope for a moment in the the light. We became at one with the gloom. I was the darkness and he was me. How do you run from what you've known for so long and what you found a place in?

I grew to think that the darkness was made for me and that it was my curse. At one point, I had been searching for a release from my darkness. I searched through my Mormon beliefs in God and salvation through Christ. I sought release from the darkness by trying to serve God in the Tokyo North mission, but the darkness still embraced me and refused to let me go. So, I embraced him back and surrendered to the abyss. And no matter what friends and family said to the contrary of my courtship with the darkness and my importance to them, I still saw my life within the hands of my lover.

So, what changed in me to actively seek a divorce from the dark and a separation from depression and self-loathing? I wish I could say that it was a blinding revelation from God, the very God I had cursed because He seemed unconcerned with my struggles. I also wish I could tell you 100 percent that I know the reason I am daily changing and actively seeking the stop of the free fall and the descent into the abyss. The one thing I am aware of that has changed is my awareness of the here and now.

I found that the dark would embrace me when I focused on the past: my failures, my sufferings, my pain, and my life that once was. These memories and dwelling on them only brought them to the surface and allowed me to soak in them for hours, days, weeks, and even months. I would allow things that cannot control me years after they happened and passed into a memory, made permanent on a neuron, to control how I thought and felt. The past became a reason for me to insist on my continual residence in the abyss with my lover, the darkness.

Also, always looking forward into the unspeakable, unknowable future allowed my fixation on despair and pain to keep me wallowing in the abyssal free fall. I would look at the future and feel that I don't deserve happiness and joy. The future and its eternal presence in the nonexistent kept the darkness whispering sweet, painful nothings in my ear.

However, as I look at the Eternal Now, I know that the past is no more and the future doesn't exist. I find the necessity to plant my feet firmly in the now and divorce myself from my constant companion. Depression and despair have transformed into beautiful butterflies of hope and laughter. Forgiveness, mercy, and compassion walk with me in the Eternal Now because I can walk with them. Forgiveness, mercy, and compassion blossom and bloom as I feed them daily.

So, what has changed? I suppose the only truthful and honest answer I can give is that I have changed. My desires have changed. What I know I can control has changed; well, not changed, but I realize the things of which I'm capable. And my once loving companion, the darkness, is seen in his true light as a scab that I allowed to grow and fester. Now, I am using salve of the here and now and the bandages of compassion, mercy, forgiveness, hope, laughter and love to heal me. The darkness is scarring, and every once in a while he seeks to make me his lover again. I refuse him and I say, "Dwelling in the present moment, I realize this is a wonderful moment. Present moment. Happy moment," and I continue on with a smile on my face and a feeling of peace in my heart. Namaste.