It has been so long since the darkness crept up on me; I almost didn't recognize the darkness when it touch lightly at the synapses. It is a good thing to know the darkness, once, like a lover, has faded into the back of my mind and has not resurfaced. However, today was the day that the darkness saw its chance to hook itself back into my memory and it made an attempt to take over.
The darkness takes hold with the most minutely negative thought. Today, I watched a video of a proposal that occurred in a Home Depot in Salt Lake City. It was a beautiful and amazing proposal with family and friends dancing to the song "Somebody Loves You" by Betty Who before the very sharply dressed man proposed to his boyfriend. The proposal was very touching and almost made me cry; however, thinking about the fact that someone doesn't love me like that was the moment the darkness grabbed onto me and resurfaced. And when I say resurfaced, it was with no-holds-barred attack on my senses.
It started with a slow blue feeling. I know most people have felt blue, so if I use the word blue without describing it, most people will know the feeling. Then, the darkness, like Novocaine, slowly starts numbing me. I can feel my limbs become heavy; the muscles in my face refuse to allow a smile; my heart beats slowly; my lungs refuse to fill; and my synapses are firing negativity through my brain so quickly I don't know how to stop them. And finally, my vision refuses to focus on anything; all I can see is a dimming of my senses and a bleak future comes into the imaginations of my mind. Now, the abyss has opened its maw.
In these moments, sometimes it seems easier to just let go and free fall into the abyss. At these times, it seems easier to let the only love you have ever known, the darkness, to take over and give you the sweet, numbing caress you had lived with for so long. At times, it is easier to say adieu to the world and begin the decent. However, I have known the caress of the light, of happiness, of the love of life, and the darkness doesn't seem so appealing. I have had small fights with the darkness for control in the past and have won. This time, though, the fight was a war.
However, as I struggled to free myself from the hooks the darkness had in me, I found myself looking for the small moments in my life that have signaled the joy of love and the joy of partnership. I began to see the inconsistent lie the darkness was trying to use against me about my inevitable life of loneliness and I was able to say to myself that I am not alone. I have family, friends, and the occasional romance intertwined in my life. I may be alone right now, but that loneliness will change because change is an inevitability. And I finally began to feed the positive seeds of truth that have, in the past, been neglected.
As I watered the positive seeds of truth, I noticed a change in myself and noticed a release of the hooks that the darkness had grabbed me with. It was a slow retreat and I can feel at the corners of my mind its refusal to go. However, the positive seeds that are being watered are beginning to strengthen and enliven my body. To the darkness I say, "I refuse to let you take over my life like you have in the past. I am stronger than I was and I deserve the happiness of the past eight months to continue on and on and on."
I know that all of us struggle everyday with some aspect of the darkness. We struggle for control of ourselves with regard to eating, drinking, smoking, self-loathing, and all the vices that make a negative impact in our lives. The negativity that surrounds us everyday tries to take all of the nourishment and refuses to let the positivity grow and enliven, but if we force feed the positive seeds of truth and refuse to give the darkness any acknowledgement, we will become strong and fearless. We will not fear the advent of the darkness when it threatens to reappear. We will stand up and shine our lights for those in the darkness to see and know that they too can overcome. So, shine on and shine bright because others are in need of your light to guide them. Namaste.
The darkness takes hold with the most minutely negative thought. Today, I watched a video of a proposal that occurred in a Home Depot in Salt Lake City. It was a beautiful and amazing proposal with family and friends dancing to the song "Somebody Loves You" by Betty Who before the very sharply dressed man proposed to his boyfriend. The proposal was very touching and almost made me cry; however, thinking about the fact that someone doesn't love me like that was the moment the darkness grabbed onto me and resurfaced. And when I say resurfaced, it was with no-holds-barred attack on my senses.
It started with a slow blue feeling. I know most people have felt blue, so if I use the word blue without describing it, most people will know the feeling. Then, the darkness, like Novocaine, slowly starts numbing me. I can feel my limbs become heavy; the muscles in my face refuse to allow a smile; my heart beats slowly; my lungs refuse to fill; and my synapses are firing negativity through my brain so quickly I don't know how to stop them. And finally, my vision refuses to focus on anything; all I can see is a dimming of my senses and a bleak future comes into the imaginations of my mind. Now, the abyss has opened its maw.
In these moments, sometimes it seems easier to just let go and free fall into the abyss. At these times, it seems easier to let the only love you have ever known, the darkness, to take over and give you the sweet, numbing caress you had lived with for so long. At times, it is easier to say adieu to the world and begin the decent. However, I have known the caress of the light, of happiness, of the love of life, and the darkness doesn't seem so appealing. I have had small fights with the darkness for control in the past and have won. This time, though, the fight was a war.
However, as I struggled to free myself from the hooks the darkness had in me, I found myself looking for the small moments in my life that have signaled the joy of love and the joy of partnership. I began to see the inconsistent lie the darkness was trying to use against me about my inevitable life of loneliness and I was able to say to myself that I am not alone. I have family, friends, and the occasional romance intertwined in my life. I may be alone right now, but that loneliness will change because change is an inevitability. And I finally began to feed the positive seeds of truth that have, in the past, been neglected.
As I watered the positive seeds of truth, I noticed a change in myself and noticed a release of the hooks that the darkness had grabbed me with. It was a slow retreat and I can feel at the corners of my mind its refusal to go. However, the positive seeds that are being watered are beginning to strengthen and enliven my body. To the darkness I say, "I refuse to let you take over my life like you have in the past. I am stronger than I was and I deserve the happiness of the past eight months to continue on and on and on."
I know that all of us struggle everyday with some aspect of the darkness. We struggle for control of ourselves with regard to eating, drinking, smoking, self-loathing, and all the vices that make a negative impact in our lives. The negativity that surrounds us everyday tries to take all of the nourishment and refuses to let the positivity grow and enliven, but if we force feed the positive seeds of truth and refuse to give the darkness any acknowledgement, we will become strong and fearless. We will not fear the advent of the darkness when it threatens to reappear. We will stand up and shine our lights for those in the darkness to see and know that they too can overcome. So, shine on and shine bright because others are in need of your light to guide them. Namaste.
I love you Micah - and when the right person comes along, you will know, and you will feel the love!
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