"Know Thyself": A Step to Letting Happiness Find You

"Know Thyself." The ancient Greek philosophy, that has sometimes been attributed to Plato, has been going through my head ever since I read the words of Krishnamurti from his book The First and Last Freedom. Krishnamurti talks about knowledge, happiness, and pleasure or gratification. Krishnamurti says we are all seeking something, but we will never find that something if we don't, first, know ourselves and understand how we think.

I've been trying to come up with the reason why the Ancient Greeks, like Plato, and Krishnamurti would both say versions of the same philosophy of knowing yourself. Why is it so important to know yourself? Why is it through knowing yourself that you would understand the world and have a chance to heal the world? What is it in knowing yourself that would make philosophers, distanced by thousands of years, come to the same philosophical conclusion?

The one thing that I can attest to, in knowing myself and understanding my own thoughts, has been in aiding me to have a tool to overcome depression. In knowing how my mind thinks and how my mind focuses on the negativity and its own selfish thoughts, I am able to approach each moment with the awareness that this thing or that thing someone said or did has the potential to send me careening off the path filled with happiness. However, in understanding my thoughts and knowing myself, I am able to re-think situations and change my reactions to them before I react.

If this is true for this one small case, how can I apply this knowing myself to other events and occurrences in life? How can knowing myself influence the actions of others and the other things in the world--war, famine, strife, hatred, murder, etc.? I think the biggest thing that I have noticed is when people see the change in you, they begin to question the change and how you came to the happiness that resides in you for knowing yourself. Your influence is infectious. Your influence makes others want to experience the knowledge of themselves for themselves. More and more people discover themselves and influence others. And the cycle continues on and on.

In knowing myself and daily overcoming my depression(without pills), I have had family and friends, who have known my struggle and have noticed the change, have all asked me what has changed. In the past, I have been unsure of the answer, but now, the new answer I am giving is I am learning to know myself. It may sound simple but I will testify that it would be easier to climb a mountain without climbing gear than it is to ever come close to knowing yourself. I will tell you, though, that it is definitely worth the journey so far. And may the journey continue on. Namaste.

The Darkness Works Hard, But I'll Work Harder

It has been so long since the darkness crept up on me; I almost didn't recognize the darkness when it touch lightly at the synapses. It is a good thing to know the darkness, once, like a lover, has faded into the back of my mind and has not resurfaced. However, today was the day that the darkness saw its chance to hook itself back into my memory and it made an attempt to take over.

The darkness takes hold with the most minutely negative thought. Today, I watched a video of a proposal that occurred in a Home Depot in Salt Lake City. It was a beautiful and amazing proposal with family and friends dancing to the song "Somebody Loves You" by Betty Who before the very sharply dressed man proposed to his boyfriend. The proposal was very touching and almost made me cry; however, thinking about the fact that someone doesn't love me like that was the moment the darkness grabbed onto me and resurfaced. And when I say resurfaced, it was with no-holds-barred attack on my senses.

It started with a slow blue feeling. I know most people have felt blue, so if I use the word blue without describing it, most people will know the feeling. Then, the darkness, like Novocaine, slowly starts numbing me. I can feel my limbs become heavy; the muscles in my face refuse to allow a smile; my heart beats slowly; my lungs refuse to fill; and my synapses are firing negativity through my brain so quickly I don't know how to stop them. And finally, my vision refuses to focus on anything; all I can see is a dimming of my senses and a bleak future comes into the imaginations of my mind. Now, the abyss has opened its maw.

In these moments, sometimes it seems easier to just let go and free fall into the abyss. At these times, it seems easier to let the only love you have ever known, the darkness, to take over and give you the sweet, numbing caress you had lived with for so long. At times, it is easier to say adieu to the world and begin the decent. However, I have known the caress of the light, of happiness, of the love of life, and the darkness doesn't seem so appealing. I have had small fights with the darkness for control in the past and have won. This time, though, the fight was a war.

However, as I struggled to free myself from the hooks the darkness had in me, I found myself looking for the small moments in my life that have signaled the joy of love and the joy of partnership. I began to see the inconsistent lie the darkness was trying to use against me about my inevitable life of loneliness and I was able to say to myself that I am not alone. I have family, friends, and the occasional romance intertwined in my life. I may be alone right now, but that loneliness will change because change is an inevitability. And I finally began to feed the positive seeds of truth that have, in the past, been neglected.

As I watered the positive seeds of truth, I  noticed a change in myself and noticed a release of the hooks that the darkness had grabbed me with. It was a slow retreat and I can feel at the corners of my mind its refusal to go. However, the positive seeds that are being watered are beginning to strengthen and enliven my body. To the darkness I say, "I refuse to let you take over my life like you have in the past. I am stronger than I was and I deserve the happiness of the past eight months to continue on and on and on."

I know that all of us struggle everyday with some aspect of the darkness. We struggle for control of ourselves with regard to eating, drinking, smoking, self-loathing, and all the vices that make a negative impact in our lives. The negativity that surrounds us everyday tries to take all of the nourishment and refuses to let the positivity grow and enliven, but if we force feed the positive seeds of truth and refuse to give the darkness any acknowledgement, we will become strong and fearless. We will not fear the advent of the darkness when it threatens to reappear. We will stand up and shine our lights for those in the darkness to see and know that they too can overcome. So, shine on and shine bright because others are in need of your light to guide them. Namaste.

Don't Worry, It's Just Stuff: Attachment as the Root Cause of Suffering

The other day, I started to notice a pattern of behavior that was beginning to border on a compulsive disorder. I have begun to repeatedly check my car door to make sure it is locked. I would be halfway to the entrance at work or the store, after having already checked once or twice, and I would feel the need to turn around to make sure the car door was locked/ Because my car door locks are manual, I have to go back to the car to check; I don't have the button that makes the horn beep to tell me it has locked the doors. I have found myself checking three times and about to go back for a fourth time. The fourth time I catch myself and force myself to keep walking, saying to myself, It's locked. Don't worry about it. Keep walking.

During one of these moments of forcing myself to keep walking rather than check for the fourth time, I was forced to ponder on the cause for this compulsion. I've never noticed it before and was concerned as to the cause. Am I developing another illness to replace the depression I have been free from for months? Another illness to overcome is far from what I need right now...at least, in my opinion anyway.

In meditating on the cause of the compulsion, I was reminded of the words of one of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism. The Second Noble Truth states that we suffer in this life because of, among other things, attachments. The light bulb, like in the cartoons, clicked on. I experienced my "Aha" moment. I realized my constant need to check the locks of my car stems from my fear of my car being stolen or my fear of my wallet and CD's going missing. My suffering and compulsion was developing all because I was attached to material, replaceable items. That attachment was making me fear those material possession's loss and that fear mutated into this compulsion.

Now that I know the cause, I am able, with deep inner struggle, to keep walking and not double, triple, or quadruple check the locks. I force myself to keep walking because I know what the problem truly is. Knowing the problem is easy. However, fixing the problem is like pushing a wheelbarrow full of rocks up a hill; pushing the wheelbarrow takes strength and endurance, but the feat is feasible.

When we begin to know ourselves better and attempt to understand our minds, we begin to become more complete. A person who knows and understands his/her own mind is a person on his/her way to freedom and to endless possibilities. That person can look at behaviors, understand them, and do what is necessary to be free from those behaviors. That person begins to know truth and know the universe because they are part of the universe and the truth. And knowing truth and the universe is a gift of freedom no one can take back. Namaste.

Overcoming Negativity at Work: Meeting Coworkers as Though You're Meeting For the First Time

At work, there is a lot of politics, gossip, backbiting, and other negative aspects that make going to work unbearable because each new day is not necessarily a new day. Each new day is a seemingly endless day. The same politics, backbiting, and gossip happens, but it is simply just another day. Each day gives the illusion of eternal day because nothing seems to change. And sometimes it seems impossible for me to break free of the eternal day until, I hope, today.

In Think on These Things, Krishnamurti is asked a question about forming opinions of others. To the question, Krishnamurti answers:

We have a screen of ideas between ourselves and another person, so we never really meet that person...If you say, "I know that person," you may be totally wrong, because you know him[/her] up to a certain point, or by the events which took place on a particular date, and beyond that you don't know him[/her] at all. So what is important is to meet another human being always with a fresh mind, and not with your prejudices, with your fixed ideas, with your opinions (87).

Krishnamurti is saying it is important to meet people without our preconceived notions and opinions that have developed from day-to-day events. We don't ever really know the person we think we know because we have formed opinions from things that happen in life and don't allow ourselves to continue to get to know them. We assume from this event or because of this prejudice or opinion the person IS that person and nothing else.

The same can be said of the thinking we know the people we work with. We try to work with the same people day after day after day, having formed opinions of them from this event or that event; this rumor or that rumor; this opinion or that opinion. But when we do this, we only see the person/coworker for what they did yesterday or what someone said they did and we see nothing else. These fixed opinions of a coworker do nothing but harbor ill feelings for your coworkers, and an unhealthy coworker relationship has begun to develop.

However, (and I'm going to add this to the philosophies I want to live by) if we can greet our coworkers as though we are meeting for the first time, the preconceived notions or opinions will break the cycle of the endless day; will make working much less of a chore; and, at times, allow you to have more compassion and love for those you work with.

This philosophy sounds like a chore and it sounds impossible. However, as we begin to practice making each encounter new and important, the chore will become reflex like breathing in air. With a daily tabula rasa, each new moment becomes unique and the compassion you gain for your coworkers will make working with them worthwhile.

I will strive, from today on, to release and erase the events of the past that have formulated my opinions of others including my coworkers. I will begin each new day with a tabula rasa. And I will strive to make each new encounter like it is the first that will allow me to know the real person beyond events, opinions, and rumor. Namaste.

A Dream Worth Dreaming

When I sleep, the dreams my mind allows me to remember are full of death, destruction, disaster, pain, and all the negativity it can bring to the surface. I'm not sure why these dreams are the ones I remember most. Perhaps they are remembered because they startle me awake, but I am not sure. So much of what the mind can do is a complete mystery to me.

However, there is a dream that I remember in which I was happy and in which everything that was around me was suffused with positivity and light. The dream filled me with the most immense sense of love I have ever felt in this realm of reality. That statement is saying a lot since my life has been infused and saturated with so much love that saying a dream left me feeling more love than all the love I have already felt is an oddity. How can a dream make me feel so much love, a feeling of being welcomed home and a feeling of being in safe harbor?

I will attempt to describe the dream in the best detail I can, but dreams become wisps of thought that dance or fade away like a mist. I fear I will not do the dream the justice it deserves in description and feeling. The dream, however, deserves to be told.

The dream began with me looking out onto a sea of emerald. The waves of grass danced with the gentle breeze of a warm summer day. I felt the gentle caress of the wind on my face; I relished in its touch and breathed in the perfumes the wind brought with it of sage, grass, dirt, and wildflowers. As the wind caressed my face with the tender touch of a lover in moments of intimacy, the sun blanketed me with warmth and light. It was like the perfection attained by nature on days when you feel like you can let nature show you her loving caress and embrace.

A voice, distant at first but growing nearer, waltzed with the breeze and the sea of emerald grass as it alighted on me and kissed my eardrum. "Micah," it sang, as the voice kissed me, "Micah, come to me." A gentle laugh of pure joy followed the voice; the laugh was a laugh of innocence and pleasure.

I knew the voice; it was one I remembered not just from memory, but I remembered it from deep down, from bone, cartilage, and blood. The voice made my heart leap at its sound, at the notes of its song made me find simple pleasure in them and grin. I know that voice, I thought. But as I looked over the waves of grass, I couldn't find the source of the voice.

I walked in the direction from where I thought the voice had come. I waded through the sea of grass and wandered into an island of wildflowers surrounded on all sides by the emerald grass. The bright yellows, fuchsia, tangerine, lavender, sapphire, and other colors assaulted my eyes with the splendor of their beauty. I stood, halted in place, in the island of wildflowers. I was unable to move because my body didn't want to leave the island behind. But the voice, again, kissed my eardrums and broke the spell the island of flowers had on me. "Micah," the siren song crooned, "Where are you? I want you here with me." And I, following the siren song, continued to wade through the grass beyond the island.

I don't know how long I waded through the expanse of emerald, but I soon came to see a crystal blue lake; the water was so clear, I could see the bottom of the lake. The gentle breeze that caressed my face did nothing to mar the glass-like surface of the lake.

At a short distance from the lake, a summer home stood erect. It was a simple home with a white exterior and a covered porch. Because of my distance from the house (and apparently, because even in dreams my eyesight is poor), I couldn't see any more of the features. However, I could see a form, a person, walking on the wandering path that lead from the house to the lake; the path led to a wooden boat dock I hadn't noticed before that stuck out into the lake.

As I looked on, the person walking toward the dock looked up and, seeing me, waved. There was something in the wave I recognized. Everything in me desired to be with that person. My legs, seeming to have a mind of their own, began to run toward the lake but mostly toward the person that every part of me seemed to know and crave.

The distance between us, though short, seemed to be miles away. But the distance would not stop me or tire my limbs. No force in the world would stop my forward motion. As I drew within range, the person, now I could see him, had a smile on his face that brightened his visage and made everything around him that much lighter. His dark brown hair shifting in the breeze and his deep blue eyes sparkled with happiness. His arms were open wide to receive me. There was no other place I desired to be than with him in those outstretched arms.

My heart beat sped up as I neared him and my limbs ached for those open arms to wrap me up in their strong embrace. As our two bodies collided, I knocked him to the ground with me in an embrace so strong, so needed and so full of love. I couldn't remember an embrace as necessary as that hug.

We laughed as we tumbled to the ground, feeling no force of momentum or gravity as we hit the ground. Nothing was more important than the two of us and no pain could come close to diminishing the immense love that was shared between us. The love I felt was no familial expression of love, but the love of a partner or lover who has been long separated from the other. It was like the holes that had been experienced and suffered through were finally filled. I felt complete.

Words at this point seemed unnecessary and futile. He was with me and I with him. Everything else seemed to fall away into insignificance. After we held each other for a while, our lips met in a passionate kiss. His lips on mine and his arms wrapped around me, gave me a strong sense of home and love.

After what felt like only a moment, but was more like hours, we rose and hand in hand walked to the edge of the dock. We sat and dipped our feet in the crystal blue water. He place his arm around my waist. I leaned into him and our heads touched. Then, I woke up.

I don't know if this was a glimpse at a past life or a glimpse at a possible future life, but I know that as I live life (and, whether I want to admit it or not, search for my one) I have been given a glimpse of the possibility to love another man and receive love in return. And when love comes, it will be as a dream I dreamed. I will be complete and whole and loved. Namaste.