Communications of the Heart

I never said I love you
     even though I do
I never spoke the words
     I wished for you to hear
Even though I wanted to

I never told you how much you mean to me,
     Though I truly care for you,
But it is not the spoken words
That let you know
     Of my affection for you.

A smile when you are near me
And a kiss when you come home.
A hug and meaning behind each moment
      I listen to your hearts complaint
And am there to comfort you.

Actions have spoken more loudly
     Than words can ever do.
And though three words can do so much,
I speak of my affection for you
Through these communications of the heart
   To tell you that I  love you.

Lawmaking

Constant disappointments
    From the Hollow Men*
Puffing their chests
Expelling promises
    Unfulfilled and empty
Raising fists in the air
    Arguments of stone,
Thrown in the pond of justice
     and law,
        Ripple and sink.
"Not for us?" the Hollow Men ask
     "Serve the people?"
Laughing and jeering
    Putting straw, empty heads
      together.
Hollow Men united,
"We know the answer
    to crisis averted."
Take more jobs
    And give raises to
       the Hollow men
   One and all."


*My inspiration for this poem came from T. S. Eliot's poem "The Hollow Men." You can read the original poem online to see where I am coming from.

We Are All Connected

In a voiceover monologue at the end of the movie Latter Days, the protagonist Aaron Davis says, "Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good." I have seen this movie many times and the truth of this statement has never really hit me until the start of this new year. I think part of the reason that it is hitting me differently now and that I am writing about it is an experience I had when I was down in St. George working side by side with my two amazing parents and creating beauty through landscaping the backyard. 

While I was in St. George, every morning before my parents and I got to work on the backyard, I would wake up and take my yoga mat out on the back porch that faces the rising sun. The blue hues in the sky and the white, wispy clouds greeted me with the joys of a renewed day. I laid my mat down and sat in the lotus position. With my headphones in but at a low volume, I put the meditative practices of Thich Nhat Hanh and Sister Jina van Hengel from the "Plum Village Meditations" on and began to exist solely in the moment. 

Sister Jina van Hengel guided me through breathing and exercises in dwelling in the present moment. At the end of "Plum Village Meditations," Sister Jina van Hengel guided me through a meditation to relieve anger and resentments toward my parents. (This mediation can be used to release resentments towards others too, but she focuses on the parents.) As I went through the meditation, envisioning my parents at the age of 5 years old, I saw them as fragile and pure beings whom, as they grew, experienced their own sufferings, struggles, and pains. Realizing and acknowledging this, I was able to have compassion for my parents and my love for them grew and continues to grow. I continue to try to water those seeds of love, compassion, and knowledge.

As I sat on the porch with my legs losing the circulation of blood and tingling with sensation, my awareness opened to the pigeons cooing in the nearby trees, the faint breeze caressing my face, the purifying light of the sun as it washed over my face, and the sounds of the neighborhood children waiting for the bus, I felt the connectivity of everything. I became aware of how everything touches everything with souls, if you want to call them souls, or energy. The hum of the pulsing energies of the universe coalesced and washed over me. 

With the compassion I felt for my parents, at that moment, I realized that everyone deserves that compassion because we are all connected, whether through our creator or through the chaos of creation. Our souls or energies meet, touch, and connect with one another. I felt pure joy for the moments I have and for the souls and energies that have touched mine, in pleasure or in pain. Sometimes, I still can't see through the confusion and chaos of life, but "more and more these days, I feel like we are all connected. And it's beautiful...and funny...and good." 

Good Parenting: Experiencing Unconditional Love

A good parent can go a long way. A great, loving parent can carry a child on a journey through the brambles of life when that child's legs won't carry them much further. Now, add another loving parent to that child's life and the load that child carries will be lessened that much more.

I have been one of the lucky ones to have two loving parents to have on my side and by my side during this perilous journey of life. At times, during those moments of growth when I felt so alone, I forgot that they were on my side and by my side. Sometimes, I think I took that fact for granted too often. And I fear, sometimes I cursed them for how protective they were of me. I didn't realize, during those times, that they were doing their best to shield me from the darkness they had seen in this world.

Today, I feel extremely grateful to my parents, who not only have my physical well-being in mind as they protect and have protected me, but they also have my spiritual well-being in mind. I don't know how often, as I've called home to talk, they have said, "We always have you in our prayers," or "we put your name in at the temple." If all else fails in this world, I know that I have two loving people who watch out for me and pray for me. I fear the day when their physical bodies are absent in my life. However, believing in something more than this life allows me to know that they will still be there in spirit and in my heart always.

It is thinking of my parents love for me that I wish with all my heart that every child could be this lucky. I wish everyone could experience the love of a parent. I wish children could experience the unconditional love a parent gives even when they disagree with where your life is headed. I know that not all people will agree with me, but in my wishing, I have a hope that people can see past sexual orientation when the well-being of a child is concerned and know that love is love. That child will be cared for. Whether by a mother and a father, two mothers, two fathers, a single mother, or a single father, that child will get to experience unconditional love. And that is a beautiful gift.

In one of the cover pages of Gordon Merrick's novel The Lord Won't Mind, it says, "I say, if it's love the Lord won't mind. There's enough hate in the world." And how can I disagree with this. There is so much hate in the world. I can't allow other's to suffer if they could have the chance to love and be loved, even if that structure of love goes against what society says is a "normal family." Because really, what is a "normal family?" Can anyone really say they have normal parents or a normal family?

Fantasy and Reality

"You're quiet today,"
He said to me.
"Do you forget I'm here?
Where do you go
When you are quiet?
You forget me, Love
When you fall silent
And remain in your world.
Do you not love me where you are
And do you hope to stay.
Your world must be much better
Because, often, you go there
And I remain on Earth.
Please tell me, Love
I beg you, where do you go?"

Silently, I held my tongue
Deciding what to say.
How do you explain to someone
That there is more elsewhere
Than here on Earth, as man?
And then I opened up,
"You see, that here on Earth is pain
And in my world is love.
Here, I die as no one.
There I live forever.
Does it matter where I go
As long as I come back?
Does it matter if I leave for moments
To relax and feel again
Only to return to you
Feeling more than what I am?
I leave, when I am hurting
Seeing the world this way
When day after day
All that is given
Is pain and death
Not joy?
When distopia is all we are,
Hating and fighting each other?
Does it matter if for but a moment
I leave a world such as this
To enter one much better
And keep myself from joining Earth
In their hating of everyone else?
I go, my love, to stay
Human and loving all else
Keeping everyone else in view
Desiring only for change.
Is it then wrong to forget
The pain and suffering on Earth
For moments to see something better
To see the potential we have
That humankind can be much more?"

Quiet, but for a second,
He rose from where he sat
And whispering he began,
"It's not simply that you leave me
To enter only your world
Nor is it your motive, Love.
The problem lies in this,
In leaving this world
To your own,
You enter fantasy.
True man's potential is greater
Than what we claim it to be,
But in pretending utopia.
You leave only problems behind.
You see but for a moment
What we could fantastically be.
It makes you hate us so,
Hate exactly what you are.
You look at man distastefully
More and more each time.
When you enter only fantasy,
You see only problems here.
You cry and cry for something better,
But leave the problems behind.
You seek no solutions in leaving,
You find no solutions in your mind.
Come back and help
The pained, the suffering, the failing
Help solve the problems we have now.

"Don't go and seek the fantastic, Love.
Come help the world become
What potential we have to reach.
Don't leave me here alone.
Stay here and see
That man is trying hard
To be better than they are
Pain is not the only feeling
But LOVE is so much more.
It's in your fantasy. Love,
That Earth's problems become worse
Because your fantasy is much better.
But that is all it is, Love
A fantasy. No more.
Return to us on Earth, Love.
Return to me here.
Forget the fantasy
And be."

Blissful Present Moment: Sharing and Creating Moments

Have you ever wished for a tabula rasa or a blank slate? I don't know about you, but as for me, I crave a blank slate. To be free from your past seems like it could be very open and refreshing. And the idea that the future doesn't exist and is only the creation of the moment in everything we make it to be. I think that is an amazing thought.

In the novel Chapterhouse: Dune by Frank Herbert, Herbert writes, "Let the future remain uncertain for that is the canvas to receive our desires. Thus the human condition faces its perpetual tabula rasa. We possess no more than this moment where we dedicate ourselves continuously to the sacred presence we share and create" (118). The one part of the statement that has stuck with me is to remain in the moment and let everything remain unwritten. We as humans are able to create each new moment for ourselves and for others.

I know I have already expounded on living in the present moment, but I think it is an important thing to realize and share with others. I suppose its like being a missionary and sharing a truth you have discovered in this life. But the present moment is not everything. It is sharing the joy of the present moment with those around you that becomes truly an amazing experience.

Whether it is destiny for some people to be placed in our lives at specific moment or not doesn't matter. It is what is created in the shared experience that does matter. Many instances in my life, previously, have been seen as negative experience for me, but when seen through new eyes and with a blank slate, those experiences helped to shape me into who I am today. And some of the people with whom I have had these shared experiences, have helped me to find the path on which I find myself.

I've mentioned my being bullied before, in previous blogs, and have spoken of the sadness and pain that stemmed from the moment. However, as I look at that experience, not with the eyes of a tortured youth, but with a clean slate and bright eyes, I see that those moments have allowed me to have empathy for those who suffer. Those moments of pain and sadness at the hands of others have allowed me to try to ease the suffering of others where I can. Also, looking at a clean slate, I can learn to forgive those people who caused me the pain and to thank them. Thanking them may sound a little too much, but because of the paths that we were all on and what we chose to do, I was able to become a better person.

As for shared experiences, when I first started at Utah Valley University, I took an English class that I chose at random because it fit with my work schedule, but little did I know that random selection would put me in the classroom of Ronda Walker-Weaver. She was (is) a great teacher, and that's all, at first, I saw her as, but I gained a friend and a mentor. Ronda helped me onto the path on which I am continuing. I was, at the time, trying to decide between an anthropology major or an English major. Ronda gave me some advice. She said that if I got my English degree and still wanted to do something else, that my English degree would not hinder me, but would rather help me with my other endeavors. That advice sent me meditating while walking through the halls. When I stopped, I sat down and looked up to see the English department in front of me. I took it as a sign. If it wasn't for Ronda and her advice she gave me that day, I don't know where I would be.

If we "let the future remain uncertain," live in the present moment, and "dedicate ourselves...to share and create," we can create a wonderful present moment. We can "share and create" moments of bliss rather than shared experiences in pain. We can establish ourselves in the joyous here and now. And we can "stand in the sacred human presence" because we are all sacred beings given purpose in this world. I want to share in that purpose and make every present moment count. Don't you?

Impermanence: Learning to Change with Grace

In the novel The Men From the Boys by William J. Mann, the characters are struggling to find the path that they are supposed to be on and struggling to find the passion in their lives again. One of the characters, Jeff, after struggling with change and wanting to have things stay the same, says, "There's a certain beauty to ambiguity. It's only then that we take control over our lives...But really, I think we can't know all the time what it is we're supposed to do. There's no way--not anymore--for us to think anything is ever going to stay the same. But we can trust that we'll do the best we can, and I like to think there will be people who love us who will help" (342). Jeff comes to realize that no matter how hard he struggles to maintain continuity and no matter how hard he tries to stick to the script that he think is written for this life, everything changes and nothing is permanent.

All through my twenties, and I guess part of my later teenage years, I have been struggling to find the passion I see in the lives of others and have been struggling to find permanence in this world, but I have grown to understand, lately, that life is not permanent and is full of impermanence. Everything changes. The weather never stays the same and changes from moment to moment. The seasons change; one season is colder or warmer than the last. The flowers grow in the spring and die in the fall. And all that we are changes with the epiphanies, the deaths of loved ones, the love we experience, and the life we live. We all change and are impermanent, but change is a good thing.

Through the changes that we experience, we come to experience life in new ways. If we can take the positive out of those experiences and epiphanies, we we learn to look at what we have now with new eyes every moment of the day. Life is an experience of change and we need to accept that change as a universal. When we fight change, we fight the tides of life and we become embittered because life isn't sticking to the script that we thought was permanent and written in the stars.

The key for me, in learning to accept change and impermanence, is learning that I am fallible and will make mistakes, but if I do the best I can, no one can hold it against me. Loved ones will surround me and will take care of me when I suffer. Loved ones will surround me and will celebrate with me when I achieve those moments of happiness and epiphanies. There will be "people who love us who will help" us get through the changes. People who will be there to lift our heads when we falter. People who will hold our hands when we are scared of the changes. People who will walk for us when we can't walk any longer. And people to love us through it all. We will learn to change and we will learn to love, laugh, and live that much more and that much deeper.