"Because I Have Been Given Much": Giving Aide and Succor Where It Is Needed

Tonight, after a race to the gas station, I pulled up to the pump and was approached by a young woman. "Do you have a few dollars you could spare for gas? I need to make it home to Santaquin. It has been a really long day."

I never carry cash and my trepidation, initially, in giving her money is that I don't have a lot of money. I could have told her no, saying that I just don't have the money, but, truth be told, I have the money; I don't have a lot of money, but I have a little. And then the lyrics to the hymn, "Because I Have Been Given Much," ran through my mind. The first verse starts: "Because I have been given much, I too must give." 

Considering the hymn, I responded to her, "I just have my card, so I would just have to go and get some money out for you."

"Would that be okay?" she asked, appearing to be tired and suffering from the aforementioned long day.

"No," I said. "It's no problem at all."

I finished pumping my own gas and asked the gas station attendant to put ten dollars on the pump she was on. He looked a little confused and told me someone else had already put five dollars on. On hearing this, I asked him to change the amount to five dollars, but then I changed my mind. What would an extra five dollars hurt to give her?

She finished pumping the gas as I walked out and thanked me. I told her she was welcome and proceeded to get into my car. I drove home and continued to hum the hymn to myself.

In this time of recession and joblessness, it falls on each and every one of us to lift each other up and give aide and succor where we can. I often find myself wondering what the beggar on the street needs money for and if they are going to use it to buy drugs or beer. However, I realized, especially tonight, it is not for me to decide what they are going to use the money for. What they use the money for is totally on them. What is on me is whether or not, seeing a stranger in need, I give aide and succor to them or deny them the help they say need.

I may not always be able to help a stranger, but I have decided that I will help where I can. I will give aide when I am able, regardless of what they choose to do with that help. Another line from the hymn springs to mind. It goes, "I cannot see another's lack and I not share." 

When we see someone suffering and have the means to help, should we not help? We are all under the same blue skies and we all, at some point in our lives, suffer. We are all connected. Give aide and succor where you can and raise up the poor in spirit to levels of dignity and peace.

Namaste.

Equality Was Forced to the Back of The Bus in Utah Again

There was a point last month that I finally felt like a human being. I felt like I was equal to all the other people in this beautiful country. Same-sex couples were finally allowed to marry and I was finally proud to be a Utahn. However, with the stay of same-sex marriage and Gov. Herbert's letter saying that the marriages that occurred when it was legal will not be recognized by the state, I am no longer a proud Utahn. I, once again, am a second-class citizen.

There is something that gets spouted off by bigots across Utah and across the nation. They say, "I have nothing wrong with you as a person. I love you and I think that you are a good person, but I don't believe what you are doing is right. I don't think your lifestyle is right. I don't think that you should be allowed to marry because marriage is between a man and a woman. We can't change the definition of marriage because it isn't right for two men to marry or two women to marry. What's next? Are we going to let a man marry his dog? But I do want you to be happy and I am very tolerant of you and others like you."

Statements like these, may seem like very supportive and tolerant statements to the people that make them, but they are simply backhanded slaps to the face and punches to the gut. Saying you support someone and want them to be happy and then taking away rights given to them through the law is a two-faced response. You cannot love someone and say you support them, and then advocate for their rights to be taken away from them because you don't "believe" in them.

Also,saying we cannot redefine marriage is erroneous because marriage has been redefined over and over. Men were able to have multiple wives. Men were able to marry and have concubines that they loved more than they loved their own wives. As part of the covenant of marriage, men were able to beat their wives and legally rape their wives. Women were property under marriage vows and not equals. People were only allowed to marry within their same race. When Mormons were practicing polygamy and it became illegal, they were forced out of the country into hiding to continue to practice their beliefs. All of the things that made up marriage and the legal rights of men have changed time and time again. Definitions change and times change.

I don't care if you don't allow same-sex marriage in the temples, synagogues, and chapels. That is your religious right to deny, but to not allow the legal marriage of two adults that love each other is unconstitutional and cruelly unequal. By allowing same-sex marriage, although you blanket your right to keep same-sex marriage from happening under the guise of your religious right, the state is not infringing on your religious rights. However, by not allowing it, you are infringing on my constitutional rights and the rights of all the other tax paying LGBTQ Americans and Utahns.

I can only hope that one day I will be proud to be a Utahn again. I can only hope I can feel like an equal and not a second-class citizen. For now, the words of a poem by Emily Dickinson come to me every moment of the day. She writes, "I'm Nobody! Who are you?/Are you--Nobody--Too?..." I can only hope and be patient that equality is on the horizon and my sense of being a "Nobody" will become a nightmarish past.

Namaste!

Beginning the New Year Off Right

2013 ended with the flu, but it began with me on the mend. Today, was the first day of this whole week I was able to go to the gym. Though it was interspersed with coughing fits, I was able to go for an hour and a half and I feel like a new man again. I will have to take it slowly for a bit, but being able to get my heart rate up again and work my muscles feels so good.

On day two of the new year, I am starting it out with a bang. I haven't suffered from a deep bought of depression for almost a year and I see life as a journey worth taking on. So with a goal for the New Year of continuing on this journey of self-betterment, I am starting the new year off with a healthier outlook than last year began with. I have gone from the darkest hours of life at the beginning of the last new year to brighter today's of the newest and best year yet. I know that struggles will be had and are waiting for me. I am not negating the inevitability of hardship and struggle, but I know I have been through some dark days and I can come out of any possible future ones with a smile on my face and sweat on my brow.

I hope that we all have a great year. I know mine is starting out well and I know that with each new moment comes a challenge and promise of something more. I will take on the New Year with my head held high. I hope each and everyone is able to reach their highest peaks and then reach higher.

Namaste.

Expect More: A Soapbox Response to a News Article and the Comment that Followed

I guess it is time for me to get up on my soapbox about a comment that was made to a link I saw in my News Feed on Facebook. The article was through Edge Media Network and is about a lawsuit that was filed Tuesday in Mississippi and the lawsuit says gay students are being bullied in a southern Mississippi school district. This bullying included a lesbian student made to sit alone in the class when the other students were split into boys and girls. (The article can be found at this link: http://www.edgeonthenet.com/news/national/News//153237/lawsuit:_gay_students_bullied_in_miss_district .)

While the information in this article and the act of bullying in any way are despicable, there was a comment to the link, in which Ms. Landry commented, saying, "I live in Mississippi & I love my state but honestly you can't expect much from a state that still holds KKK conventions! If Blacks can't have respect in 2013 why expect that for LGBT?" There are two things I find erroneous about this comment. The first is that we can indeed expect more from the people of Mississippi who are engaging in such horrendous bullying tactics. Just because the KKK conventions are being held does not mean that we cannot expect more. Expecting less is the reason this bullying warfare (yes, warfare because the students being bullied are bombarded with assault after assault) continues to go on in school districts. Expecting less of the teachers who allow this cruelty to continue is the exact reason bullying continues in the school districts. Expecting less of the parents is the reason the children aren't held to a higher standard when they are in a public forum. Expecting less of the kids in the school and not asking for more respect and decorum in schools is the very reason bullying continues. And finally, expecting the bullied students to just sit back and take it because the teachers, parents and the school district will do nothing to protect them is despicable and should never be expected of them simply because they live in a district that continues to hold KKK conventions.

Finally, stating that because we are in the year 2013 and other's can't expect any respect then why should the LGBT community. Stating that it is the year 2013 does not give any credence to the idea that we are in a civilized world. The year has nothing to do with the mindset of the people...obviously! Also, the LGBT community, the Black community, and every other community can indeed expect respect. It is a right given to us simply by being. And if the communities think because they are Christian that gives them the right to treat others as though they are lesser beings, these same Christian communities need to revisit their Bibles and the words of Christ. Even Christ would not judge the harlot when she was brought before him. If Christ and his words, which are the very essences of Christianity, will not judge a harlot and also state, "Love they neighbor as thyself," what makes it okay for someone to treat LGBT kids or Black people any less than Christ would treat them? Perhaps, they need to rethink their affiliations with Christianity. The message of Christ is love and has nothing to do with color, gender, or sexual identity. Just love! So, no matter what century we are in and no matter what race, gender, sexual identity, or any other thing that identifies us as different, we can indeed expect more. We, in fact, need to expect more or we will, in the end, destroy ourselves.

Expect more of each other. Expect love from your neighbors and your teachers. Expect change from school districts. Expect more! We are all a part of the great human race and simply because we are different from on another does not give anyone the right to treat us as though we are lesser. We all breath. We all love. We all live. And to do nothing and expect nothing is one of the greater sins. Is it not?

Namaste. 

The Fear of Tomorrow and What is to Come

There comes a time in everyone's life that we need to ask: is this all there is? I have reached that point in my life. I cannot tell you how many times I have looked at the minuscule and meager paycheck I receive bi-weekly and have realized that I can never get anywhere on that amount of money. The meager paycheck will continue to allow me to go from paycheck to paycheck and keep the debtors at bay, but is that enough? And lately, the resounding answer to this question is, "No! It is definitely not enough."

With the student loans I already owe, the idea of adding more onto that amount is ridiculous and absurd, but the idea of going nowhere with the current degree I have is disheartening and frustrating. So, today, I begin my journey to obtaining at least a Master's degree in Psychology, if not going all the way and earning my doctorate. It is going to be an interesting journey, but I the field I am looking into will be rewarding in its own way and will allow me to help people.

I am very nervous about this life decision because I cannot see past what is happening today. The idea of tomorrow is very nerve wracking and scary, but if I do not step into the unknown, the fear of tomorrow will never leave me no matter if I choose to go into Psychology or not. Tomorrow is wrought with fear and uncertainty, but it is time to take of these vestiges of fear and dress in the armaments of courage and hope. So, wish me luck! I am definitely going to need it. Namaste.

Sometimes There is Just Nothing More to Say and the Words Speak For Themselves

Sometimes, I sit in front of my computer screen and wonder what I am going to write about. I try my hardest to see beyond the fickle and finicky things in life; however, sometimes, you just cant escape the fickle and finicky. Tonight, though, I am sitting in front of my computer and trying to see beyond my own existence and decided to pick up the collection of Walt Whitman's complete poems I have on my bookshelf. Sometimes, an author or a poet can give me strength to see beyond what is and see what needs to be seen. Sometimes, when I find those passages, I try to expound on them and add my own two cents. However, tonight, there is nothing that I can add to this passage but feelings. Tonight, I am just going to let the passage speak for itself and let it touch you as it has touched me.

The passage is from Whitman's Leaves of Grass from "Song of Myself." I can add nothing to it and I cannot find the words to expound on it. It is a gem hidden and waiting to be polished. All that I can say is if you haven't read at least "Song of Myself," do yourself a favor and pick it up. Without further ado, here is a passage from "Song of Myself."

...Not I, not any one else can travel that road for you,/You must travel it for yourself./It is not far, it is within reach,/Perhaps you have been on it since you were born and did not know,/ Perhaps it is everywhere on water and on land./Shoulder your duds dear son, and I will mine, and let us hasten forth,/Wonderful cities and free nations we shall fetch as we go./If you tire, give me both burdens, and rest the cuff of your hand on my hip,/And in due time you shall repay the same service to me/For after we start we never lie by again./This day before dawn I ascended a hill and look'd at the crowded heaven,/And I said to my spirit When we become the enfolders of those orbs, and the pleasure and knowledge of every thing in them, shall we be fill'd and satisfied then?/And my spirit said No, we but level that lift to pass and continue beyond./...Long enough have you dream'd contemptible dreams,/Now I wash the gum from your eyes,/You must habit yourself to the dazzle of the light and of every moment of your life./Long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore,/Now I will you to be a bold swimmer,/To jump off in the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, shout, and laughingly dash with your hair (118-19).

Namaste. 

"I Must Not Fear": Seeing Beyond Fear and Opening Myself Up to Possibility

How do you know the perfect time to say that you like or even love someone? Is there a set time for pet names? Is there a set time to do it? I found myself asking these question when I started to feel an inkling of affection for a guy. We haven't know each other long and we have gone on a few dates. However, I have had this strange need to call him "babe." When I text and talk to him, the word almost slips out as if naturally, but I tend to censor myself because I don't want to scare him away. Is there a time frame for things or do you just let yourself fall?

Life is an interesting hodgepodge of chaotic events that I don't understand and have a hard time navigating. I have to take what I see in pop culture as the way things are. I don't have a couple I am close enough to to turn to for these kind of questions and examples of how to approach dating men. I know it sounds stupid, but I don't know who to turn to to answer the questions that are abundant and confusing in my mind. It is a tornado of uncertainty and misconceptions on how to act and how to be.

When I told the guy I want to call "babe," that I keep censoring myself in text, he asked me why I was censoring myself. I told him it was a bit early to start doling out pet names and I didn't want to scare him away. He told me to stop censoring myself because there is not set time to do one thing or say another. He told me to do what feels natural.

It still makes me nervous to call him "babe," but at the same time, it feels normal and it feels great. I think if I continue to censor myself to save people's feelings from being hurt or because I am nervous I will scare them away, I will continue to miss out on some of the greatest adventures of my life because fear ruled me and my actions. I can't let fear be my ruler; I must rule it.

One of my favorite books is Dune by Frank Herbert and in it is one of my favorite quotes. It is the Litany against Fear that the Bene Gesserit say and the main character Paul says multiple times throughout the novel. (I know I am kind of a geek, but deal with it! :-) ) The Litany against Fear is kind of a mantra that I am adapting to my own life. The Litany against Fear is:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain (12).

Life is not meant to be feared but is meant to be lived. If we fear, we miss the most important and meaningful events in our lives. And sometimes we skip out on some important people coming into our lives. So, "[We] must not fear," and we must open myself to the possibilities beyond ourselves. And sometimes, just fall. Namaste.