Sometimes We All Need a Little Love Note To Keep Us Going.

I don't know if it is just me, but there are days when everything seems to just fall apart and all that you can think of is giving up. The easiest thing to do would be to let go and forget everything and everyone. In fact, there are days when I wish that I could forget everything and start over; a tabula rasa in my mind would sometimes seem the salve to soothe a tired mind. There are days, like the past four, when I just want the world to stop its revolutions. Then, the most amazing thing happens; the universe gives me a glimmer of hope and love to keep me going. And I am grateful for that glimmer of hope and love the universe deems necessary for me at that point in time.

Over the past four days, I have often thought about the loneliness I seem to be stuck in; the holidays have a tendency to give me that little reminder. I go to work and then come home to an empty bed and am reminded of just how alone I am. At that moment, I just wonder how cursed I must be to find myself alone without a glimpse of the loneliness ever changing and I want to crawl into bed and never get out. Those moments bring on the feelings of wanting to start life over or for the world to stop turning. Those moments are the times when I want to give up and stop trying.

But, I keep going. I keep waking up and I maintain the cycle that seems to be the meaning of my life. I try a
little more. I get myself out of bed and right before I hit the breaking point again, the universe deems me worthy to have a glimpse of hope and love. At that point, someone I haven't heard from in a while messages me and tells me they love me or someone invites me over for Thanksgiving dinner with their family. And the glimmer of hope and love spark a renewed desire for life.

Today, when I was feeling sub par and irrelevant, I received two very important messages from two very special people. First, I haven't talked to my cousin Megan in a very long time. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I actually sat down and caught up with her and her little family. However, today, out of the blue, Megan messaged me and said that if I didn't have plans for Thanksgiving, I was welcome to come and join her and her family for their meal. Then, as if one love note wasn't enough, one of my favorite teachers and mentors, commented on one of my posts saying, "Love you, Micah."

And with a dinner invitation and a message of love, I was reminded of how blessed I am with such loving friends and family. The universe saw fit to send me these two love notes. I am truly grateful for the little love notes the universe sends me to keep me going. I am grateful to Megan and to Karin for their simple but loving messages. I am grateful to know that no matter how alone I may feel, I always have family and friends surrounding me. Thank you all for your love and your light.

Ties That Bind: Grateful for Friends That Make Life Enjoyable

At the end of day nineteen, I feel it is necessary to say I am grateful to be free from the harmful addictions that plague our society. There are so many things that are harmful to the body and the mind. These things are so easy to get from pornography to drugs to online gaming and gambling. I am grateful today that I have not become addicted to some things that I have been exposed to and am glad I have not been exposed to the more harmful ones. I am not saying I don't have any addictions; I have an addiction to sugar and to soda, but, though these two are not necessarily good for my health, I am not losing friends and family over them.

Today has been a hard day for some of my friends. They have had to kick a friend out of there house because of his addiction to a substance. I won't go into complete details on the who's, the why's, or the how's, but because of his addiction to a heavily addictive substance, he no longer is able to live with them and their friendship will not be what it used to be. All of this because of a drug that will give him short amounts of relief from whatever he is running from.

I am very grateful to the universe, to God, to the angels, or to whatever aide I received and receive in my journey so that I was never lead down this dark and lonely path. In my job, I have seen many people's lives ruined because of drug addiction and alcohol addiction. These addictions, and the others like them, separate families and friends and they sever ties and bonds that can rarely be reshaped into previous forms of what they used to be.

Finally, I am very grateful to the friends that I associate with and the friends that make life fun and enjoyable without having to resort to substance abuse. I am very blessed with wonderful friends that keep me smiling and laughing. I am grateful I know them and I am blessed they have chosen me to be counted among their friends because without these ties, I don't know where I would be or what poor life decisions I would make. So, I am very grateful to my friends. You are amazing people and I can't thank you enough for all you do for me.

What are you grateful for?

I Am Second Class No More

Tonight, something happened that has forced me to evaluate my standing in the bubble in which I live. Mind you, tonight's event was not the first time I have been forced to see life and my placement in it, but it was the catalyst to make me want to change my standing.

I was at some friends' apartment and we were just sitting around hanging out. One of my friends received a text saying their other friends, co-workers, were coming over. The other friend told me that I wasn't going to get along with one of the people that was coming over, so we should go somewhere else; however, I like to think I am a tolerant person. I was wrong unfortunately.

It all started out just fine, but then the phrase that makes me angry was thrown around; "That's so gay" was used one time too many and I got up and put my shoes one. I walked toward the door and said, "Ya'll need to realize that there are gay people in the world." I opened the door and slammed it behind me.

I should have listened to my friend when he told me I wasn't going to get along with their other friends. However, as I thought about it, I was brought to the conclusion that my energy and those two people's energies needed to meet. We needed to come together and clash. My outburst needed to happen because they were not taking into account the many different kinds of people that exist. They weren't taking into account that saying "that's so gay" is derogatory and hurtful. Although it is a colloquial way of saying something is stupid, it is substituting the way a person identifies themselves for something that someone considers stupid or dumb. Those two men needed to understand that and I needed to stand up and say something.

I have stood by for much of my life, being the whipping boy. I have stood quietly as other students have called me fag, faggot, queer and, yes, gay. I have refused to be confrontational and, in refusing to stand up, have simply continued on in my role and my standing as the whipping boy. I have refused to say anything to my family, to my friends, to co-workers, and to complete strangers. In doing so, I have refused to stand up and say that I am equal. I am more than just a joke. I am more than a homosexual. I am more than the man you see (or don't see, as is the case with my blog) standing before you and wanting to be noticed. I am more than skin and bones. I am more than just emotion. I am more.

In my life with my family, now, my life consists of work and solely that. I used to be a student and, therefore, they were able to add one aspect to my life to the small talk when they asked how I was doing. I remember a time, quite vividly, when I went with my little brother to see my grandma. We were sitting in the living room of her apartment near the St. George temple. Stephen sat in one chair and I sat in another. Grandma turned to me and asked me, "How is work?" and then followed it up with, "How is school?" After I responded, she turned directly to my little brother and said, "How is dating life? Are you dating anybody new?"

It was a direct slap in the face. I knew that my life would never be the same the day I told my family I was gay, but I didn't know that knowledge of my life would be limited to work and school. I didn't realize I would never be asked about people I was dating. I didn't realize I would become a second class member of our family.

When I was visiting my brother and his family in Eagle Mountain, we were contemplating watching a TV series with James Roday in it. One of my nieces came up to me and said, "Micah, do you know James Roday?" I told her that I knew of him. She then asked me if the actor was dating his co-star, the female detective. I told her that I wasn't sure, but that I didn't think so. She then got a serious look on her face. She said, "Is he --?" I knew what she wanted to ask me, but waited for her to finish her question. She looked at her feet, stomped and said, "Is He G-A-Y?" She couldn't bring herself to say the word. I told her that I didn't know, but then said, "You know, you can say the word." She told me she couldn't bring herself to say it and she had a look of disgust on her face. It hurt.

I know she is still very young. But I also know she knows what is going on in the world. I know she knows what the LDS church teaches their congregations about homosexuality and about being tolerant of us. However, I know the feeling she is feeling towards gay people because at one time in my life, I felt the same way. It took me years of realizing for myself who I am and learning to love myself rather than hate myself that I could understand life.

I try to understand the reasoning behind my family not wanting to know about my dating men, but my understanding does nothing to soften the blow in the moments when I am reminded of my status within the family social grouping. I am reminded in these moments that I am second class. I am reminded of my path to hell in their eyes. I am reminded that because I am gay, I will be separated, per their beliefs, in the life to come; they will be in the Celestial kingdom of heaven and I don't know where I will be. I will have a second class status in the afterlife as well.

I understand that, living in Utah Valley and Utah state, I am second class. I am an outcast. I am a black sheep. I understand people don't understand homosexuality except in the context the Bible has given to them to understand it as a sin and an abomination. I understand that, because of that naivety and that lack of understanding and tolerance, the people have a hard time seeing that people that are unlike them exist. Because of this lack of knowledge, they make comments that offend and hurt, and, though their comments may not be of the intent to hurt, it does not negate the fact that it still does hurt.

Tonight, however, I am deciding to take a stand on being silent and refusing to let the world (and myself) see me and other homosexual people as a second class citizen. I am refusing to let people use "that's so gay" in place of something that is meant to mean stupid. I am standing up for me and people like me. I will not be a second class family member and I will not be a second class citizen. I will stand up and I will say, "I am here too."

I don't deserve to feel second class anymore and neither does anyone else in the world. We are equal and we should treat each other as equals. Abraham Lincoln said, in the Gettysburg Address, "Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." Let us not treat our neighbors, friends, family members, or complete strangers as second class citizens because "all men are created equal." Namaste.